Angry fans want to trample Trampled by Turtles

Northland Enquirer

by Richard Thomas

The Northland folk music community is in shock after their beloved Trampled By Turtles decided to become an all-bagpipe band.

“It was like, as if, everything that we held dear had been betrayed,” said fan Melanie Cranberry. “We made them and they betrayed the cause.”

“What cause?” asked this interviewer.

“Well, I always thought because they played banjos and fiddles, they were for some cause,” she said. “The banjo and fiddle cause, I guess.”

The matter became tense at a recent concert when a fan shouted, “Judas!”

Responded leader singer Dave Simonett, “I don’t believe you. You’re a liar!”

“How can I be a liar? I’m expressing an opinion,” the fan said.

“Opinions can be lies, can’t they?” Simonett said.

“No!” the crowd shouted in unison.

Simonett turned to his bandmates and yelled, “Play it f--king loud!” They launched into a brain-rattling rendition of “Highland Laddie.”

Charlie Parr desperately tried to chop the microphone cables with an axe while Jim Hall passed out earplugs to the cringing audience.

The Turtles’ next album is reported to be played with forks on chalkboard.

Local bands bemoan devastating groupie drought

Twin Ports musicians are upset that their adolescent dreams are dying as they are not being mobbed by hordes of sexy young women.

“I grew up thinking of sex and drugs and rock ‘n roll and girls, girls, girls, and what do I get? No sex, so-so weed and craft beer,” said Ozzie Osbourne, lead singer of The Gnarly Dudes. “When I look out at the audience all I see are guys and most of them are middle-aged.”

The last groupie sighting reported in the Twin Ports was in 2006, when three women briefly hooked up with the band Fractured Fairy Tail, only to ditch them when the van stopped at Chicken Spur in Superior.

Musicians report the closest they have to groupies are girlfriends, most of whom aren’t particularly into their music and keep asking when the men are “going to get a real job.”

Female musicians report greater success in attracting male groupies. “They’re great,” said Lana Kleenex, drummer for Judith Does Holofernes. “We get them to carry our instruments, do our laundry, clean the bathroom, run to the store, return library books, anything.”

Osbourne has become a groupie himself for an all-female band because “it’s the only way I’ll score,” he said. But it’s not likely to happen since the band is named Big Boo.

Sparhawk forgets what band he’s in

Alan Sparhawk, frontman for Low, Los Besos, Retribution Gospel Choir and many, many other acts, recently became confused on stage when he didn’t realize which band he was playing with. 

“It’s Tuesday, this must be Velvets,” he said into a microphone he didn’t realize was on. “Or wait. Is this the Black-Eyed Snakes?”

Reminded that it was Saturday, Sparhawk said, “Okay, then this must be Murder of Crows, but where’s Gaelynn?” Turning to the drummer, he said, “Who are you, again?”

“Mimi Parker,” the drummer said.

“It’s hard,” commisserated audience member Marc Gartman, who has been in numerous bands himself, including Two Many Banjos, Coyote, Glitterati, LazyLightning420, Basement Tapes Band and Marc Gartman’s Fever Dream. “I use an Excel spreadsheet and logarithms to keep track of them all and I still end up playing Grateful Dead on disco nights.”

Uncle Frank sues Hobo Nephews

Teague and Ian Alexy, brothers who make up Hobo Nephews of Uncle Frank, are being sued for defamation of character by Frank Grabowski of Altoona, Penn.

“Their music is all lies,” Grabowski said. “They’re not my nephews. They’re not even hobos.”

The Alexy brothers admit to not being actual hobos, but claim they didn’t know of Grabowski’s existence until the lawsuit. Nonetheless, the suit has opened the floodgates in which they’re being sued by everyone in the country named Frank.

Sesame Street postpones appearance by 4ontheFloor

Raucous rockers The 4ontheFloor recently were set to appear in an episode of Sesame Street, performing a song about counting to four along with the Counting Count. Plans fell through, however, after Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem joined in, bringing the total number of performers above four and blowing The 4ontheFloor’s hive mind.

“Our music, our philosophy and our entire quadrilateral existence revolve around the number four,” said lead singer Gabriel Douglas. “There aren’t any numbers above that, are there? Someone told me there was, but I thought they was yankin’ my chain.”

Further problems arose over the fact that the band runs four words together in their name rather than separate them with spaces. The show’s producers worried that kids would think all writing is supposed to be like that. 

The band is now locked in a room and being forced to watch every Sesame Street episode since 1969 before they can appear on the show.