I got all these Adam West underpants for sale

Paul Ryan

Hey there pal, do you have a minute? It's just that I have all these underpants with Adam West’s face on them and, coincidentally, he is now dead. Also coincidentally, I am selling these Adam West underpants for $350 each. For every sale, a portion of the licensing fees I did not pay would have gone toward Adam West’s personal bank account.

 You want red underpants? I've got red underpants. You want blue ones? Join the club, that's standard Batman underpants coloring! Of course we have those! We have everything! Yellow, black, white, orange? Jump on this underpants train before it leaves Booty Station! Do you want plaid underpants? Well fuck off. I don't have plaid. That's just ridiculous. I'm selling things I found in a dumpster. Don't be so particular.

 But seriously, I do have many, many underoos and Adam West is very, very dead. These two facts are not a coincidence. I'm not one who normally believes in fate, but I once got laid after sitting through the film “Love Always”, so fate is an idea I associate with very positively. Some might say I'm an expert on fate. Want proof? Look at all these goddamn Adam West underpants in my house! He croaked for a reason! I'm about to be richer than Dan Hanger!

I don't want to suggest that Adam West died so I could sell you these underpants, but he did and I am. The planets have aligned, Adam West is being eaten by the secret mole people who inhabit the lands beneath us, and I've got buttloads of underpants with his face on them just waiting for their forever home. Adopt these butt covers ASAP!

 Want Adam West on your crotch? A lot of people do, and I can oblige. Want Adam West on your butt or slightly in it? Bend over and join the sexy parade! I've got you covered. Want some underoos where Adam West looks like he's about to sneeze? I have anticipated this need and altered an unlicensed photo to look very realistic! What about a morbid, illegal photo from his open casket funeral? Those are our premium underpants, and they're $400 extra.

 Want underpoops with Robin on them? Nah, son. You don't get your face on fancy underpants like these unless you're a real hot slab of celebrity man beef! This isn't a fancy operation. I can only produce so many beefcakes. If I could print on demand, I wouldn't be selling these out of a soiled suitcase on public transit.

 Speaking of great customer service, we have a very simple return policy. If for any reason you're unsatisfied with the Adam West underpants you bought off a filthy-looking solicitor on the bus, go yank yourself! Even if you're able to find me later, I'll pretend we've never met! It simply won't be worthwhile to take me to court because I have no repossessable assets. I don't even own a car! If I did, I'd be selling these Adam West underpants out of the back of that car, making this a much more legitimate operation.

 Hey you! Yeah, you! Get your nuts primed, because I've got Adam West underwear here! Did I mention he's dead? They're the perfect item to help you grieve! Get 'em while they're hot! I mean that literally. Most of these underpants were very recently removed from homeless people while they were sleeping, so they're still quite warm. I got bit three times! Add an extra $25 to your order and I'll run them through the wash cycle without any detergent. These underpants are extra warm and extra friendly, like a stranger you didn't know was your friend yet. I cannot stress the absolute importance of buying all these goddamn Adam West underpants before people forget about him again next week. They'll be worthless then and I'll be ruined! Buy them! There's so many! I have no idea what I'm doing and I have a drug problem!

 You can totally write this purchase off on your taxes. These Adam West underpants are essential for your job. You can't go to work all bare-assed, can you? Put on some Adam West underpants in case your boss checks. Or throw caution to the wind, get fired and end up living on the street where weird guys like me will steal your Adam West themed underpants while you're all drugged out.

 May I pause for a moment and connect emotionally with you in a sincere and profitable way? It's really hard to let go of these Adam West underpants. I've grown attached to them over time, as if they were my own children. That's why I'm selling them for the same price I'd sell my children for. The unreasonably high price honors his memory.

 Adam West signed all of these underpants personally. For realsies. I didn't just sign them myself with a marker. You'd better get over here and buy seven or eight or maybe a few thousand of them as an investment before I change my mind. I'm just so sad about him passing, and that's why it's so hard to let go of all these Adam West underpants. All 100,000 of them.