Halloween party tips from Martha Stewart

Paul Ryan

Halloween is right around the corner, and the Duluth Reader is excited to welcome guest columnist Martha Stewart! Today she’ll be sharing tips for decorating our homes and ourselves for Halloween!

- To make your life more enjoyable this Halloween, try replacing your decorations with a bottle of bourbon, and your costume with another bottle of bourbon. If you have kids, don’t replace them with bourbon. They can get you candy.

- Make sure you put some time and effort into your decorating. You wouldn’t want to anger Satan, now would you? Answer me, goddamn it! Sorry, I’m not sure what came over me. Let’s forget this happened.

- Never use Halloween as an excuse for misogyny. That’s what Hitler did, and look at him now. He’s dead!

- Vampires are no longer sexy. Scrooge McDuck from Duck Tales is the sexiest costume now. Why? Because it’s printed in a newspaper column. We wouldn’t print something that isn’t true. Just go do it.

- There are sexy costume options for people of all shapes and sizes. Pokemon Go may be a fad six months past its prime, but nobody’s going to pass up banging a sexy Snorlax. Nobody.

- Try this fun Halloween game! Lie down on your back, pull your head and legs as close together as possible, and then carefully insert your head into your own anus.

- Stay positive about what you have: If you live in a neighborhood where your home has bars on the windows, then your Halloween decorating is already half done!

- Halloween trivia: When Abraham Lincoln invented Halloween in 1324 BC, he included costumes as a way to hide his very prominent “VAPE LYFE” tattoo.

- For the scariest Halloween cookies, accidentally lose your band-aid in the dough and don’t tell anyone. It’s spooky fun!

- Serve your friends Kit Kats. Serve your enemies a giant garbage bag full of candy corn and kitty litter. Make sure to keep the two bags separate.

- Looking for a fun DIY way to keep your kids quiet? Take cotton balls and stretch the cotton out to simulate cobwebs! Then keep stuffing the cotton into your ears until you can’t hear your children anymore.

- Tips for kids: Bats aren’t actually scary. In real life, bats are wonderfully smart animals that help rid the world of mosquitoes and vermin. Human beings dressed as bats are far less useful, so feel free to beat them unmercifully with a crowbar and steal their candy.

- Don’t go trick-or-treating at Duluth News-Tribune columnist Sam Cook’s house. He gives out lectures about dental care and individually wrapped Necco wafers. Go to Paul Ryan’s place. He shows a lot of cleavage and gives out full size Snickers bars.

- For those of you with a gluten allergy, don’t worry! Many candy brands don’t have gluten in them. Also, unless you have Celiac Disease, your gluten allergy is fake and just a pathetic cry for attention.
- Safety tip: Give your children costumes that make them look ugly. That way all the human traffickers creeping around your neighborhood will kidnap the neighbor’s children. And trust me, there’s a lot of them in your neighborhood!

- Want to create Oreo cookies for your friends that just as tasty as the real thing? It’s easy! Go to the store and buy actual Oreos for them, you cheap ass.

- Cocktails are the most important part of any Halloween party for adults! Start by throwing a horse penis into a 10 gallon aquarium, and then filling that aquarium with Pharrell Williams’ Qream liqueur. First person to pull the prize out with their teeth gets to eat it!

- Let’s be real for a second. There’s an article on MarthaStewart.com that invites people to create some variety by painting a few pumpkins black to mix nicely with the orange ones. Don’t do it! We’ve tried it a million different ways, and it just looks like blackface. It’s absolutely awful. We are horrible, horrible people. Just the worst.