Presidential election canceled due to lack of good candidates

Paul Ryan

After a disastrous first debate in which both candidates looked like escaped mental patients attempting to blend in with humanity, Americans have unanimously decided to not hold a presidential election in November. On January 20, 2017 a small placard with “Fuck it” printed on it will be inaugurated into the Oval Office instead.

The placard is not an acting president, just a verbal agreement amongst Americans that no one deserves to be president right now. No decisions will be made over the next four years, no legislation will be passed, and all laws and funding will remain the same. The only change that will occur is on the placard’s first day, when it plans to sign an executive order to give all Americans free ice cream the first day of each month.

Americans have never been so excited to welcome a new president.

“I really love the placard,” said Melanie Hobbs of New York. “I think the placard will do an excellent job. Nothing’s changing, and while that means nothing is improving, it also means I’m not getting screwed any worse than last year. I think most Americans are pretty thrilled with that.”

The placard has been heavily criticized in some circles for not pushing civil rights legislation or fixing our mediocre economy, but with the placard receiving an approval rating of 93 percent before it’s even taken office, it’s hard to argue with success.

“Is the placard single?” asked a hopeful 16-year-old Timothy Anderson of Kansas, literally bouncing up and down as he asked the question. “I love the placard! Anything that placard wants, I’ll do. And I do mean anything. DTF, placard. DTF!”

The placard - greatly lacking in personality and charisma - never would have had a chance of being president if not for the utter incompetence of the two mainstream candidates. Hillary Clinton did not speak at all in the first debate, instead pandering to Millennials by texting her answers to the moderator in the form of memes. Memes have never been an area of strength for Clinton.

“Here comes dat boi?” said Lacey Davis, a freshman at UMD. “Who says that anymore? She didn’t even include the ‘O shit waddup’ part or the frog riding a unicycle. Memes have a shelf life of a week at best. Only a smelly old gargoyle like Clinton would repost old ones. That’s why I like the placard. It just says fuck it to everything. It doesn’t pretend to be me. It already is me.”

Donald Trump fared even worse than Clinton in the debate. The Republican nominee removed his penis from his slacks a record seven times, banging his genitalia against the podium whenever he felt Clinton was speaking too long. He also repeated this behavior three additional times to signify to the debate moderator that he was out of cookies. Once the complimentary cookies ran out, things got really weird.

“I’ll bet you dumb shits will vote for me even if I do this!” shouted a heavily inebriated Trump, falling over as he pulled down his pants to reveal a tattoo on the back of his scrotum. The artwork featured a surprisingly well-drawn likeness of Chelsea Clinton french kissing a horse. “Heeeeere horsey horsey horsey! Who likes sugar cubes? Youuuuuu doooooo!”

Trump, still nude from the waist down, then stumbled into the audience, sat in the lap of an elderly woman and crapped himself.

“I like how Trump doesn’t follow the rules and childishly shouts down anyone who disagrees with him, just like everyone else in America, but the placard has poise,” said Mab Baker of South Dakota. “The placard doesn’t bring anger, dread or disappointment to anyone. It literally can’t. It only brings free ice cream. There’s something very calming about that.”

Before the placard became the most popular president in United States history, political insiders made various other last ditch efforts to find a suitable candidate. Republicans yet again asked Speaker of the House Paul Ryan to run for office, but he politely declined.

“Jesus! Fuck off already!” shouted Ryan, simultaneously giving GOP Chairman Reince Prebus the finger while pushing him down a flight of stairs. “Tell all those fucks I’d rather eat my own balls than be president! What a thankless, garbage position.”

The Democratic Party was even more pathetic, snubbing Bernie Sanders and instead asking 88-year-old Walter Mondale to run for office. Mondale also politely declined.

“Are you out of your goddamned mind?” said Mondale, stubbornly refusing to close his bathrobe in front of reporters crowded around his home. “I’d rather earn $200,000 the hard way by cleaning toilets at Twins games for 40 years. It’s a hell of a lot more fun than being president.”

Regardless, Americans seem quite happy to be led by a piece of paper with a curse word written on it. It seems all’s well that ends well.

“Placard doesn’t take away guns or abortions. It doesn’t raise taxes, it isn’t capable of bigotry, and it used to be captain of the USS Enterprise!” said Hallie Brown of Michigan, mistaking the placard for Jean-Luc Picard, the fictional Starfleet Captain from Star Trek: The Next Generation. “Wait. It’s just a sign? We’re electing a sign? Jesus. Whatever, fuck it. I’m just going to smoke a joint and forget I exist for four years.”