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I was listening to a discussion on the radio the other day about the excessive cost of American health care. The very circular talk kept coming back to the absurd notion that profit-driven health care and insurance plans can and will compete their way to lower costs in the long run.
They didn’t come anywhere close to dipping a toe in the other half of the problem of cost: that we’ve become unhealthy and sedate, overfed by a food industry that specializes in unsustainable cheap food. You are what you eat. Cheap food cost low, health care cost high.
The New Conservative Neanderthal Party (NCNP) people in the bunch said “Let the free market take care of business”, forgetting that the free market is what got us here in the first place. The liberals in the bunch noted that a single-payer system will eventually be the answer (here, here), without explaining that in order for that to work you need to regulate costs. Sounds too much like socialism to say that.
But regulate we must. Call it what you will but lower health care premiums ain’t-a-gonna happen unless you install cost/price controls. Sorry profit-driven entities but in order to reign in mounting costs to the society as a whole you’re going to have to learn that big money can’t be made on the backs of the sick or injured.
As a proponent of the National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) Camp Shack Medical Indemnity Insurance Health Trust Inc., Ltd., LLC, IOU, I’m here to offer you low-cost, low-budget, cheap health care that is performed relentlessly and with as much precision as can be expected using simple tools and propane lights.
Our medical facility on the grounds of Camp Shack is miles from the nearest road and devoid of electricity. We are not overwhelmed by inane hand-held and addictive technology. Matter of fact, there is no technology on the grounds invented after 1971.
Our leisurely-trained medical staff, no they’re not doctors necessarily, have performed many successful field operations, including minor and major stitching jobs, mending of broken faces, organ and limb replacements, lacerations and broken bones due to late night recreational mishaps that occur on moonless nights with the temperatures below zero near unmapped sheer cliffs that descend into major rivers that are partially frozen.
No costly anesthesiology, no noxious gases or needles full of toxic drugs. Just a good, solid, carefully-placed thump on the head with a large rubber mallet and you’re ready for surgery quicker than it takes to recite “Mary had a little lamb…”
Some patients have said that our patented Bonk Technology feels somewhat like a hangover. And we all know that a hangover doesn’t last any longer than the fun you had the night before.
We accept wine, beer, hard liquor, wild game, fish and fruits and vegetables produced by sustainable means. Payment plans are structured by body mass, shoe size, barometric pressure and a handshake. It’s that simple.
How can we provide such quality health care at such a low price? We don’t subscribe to the expensive market-based health care system that profits from the sick or injured. That’s just not moral. Our minimalist, low-tech methods are standard operating procedure. We were the first health care initiative to understand that people are simply talking in circles if they believe that a profit-driven system built up over decades will magically reduce its costs and profits willingly and without having a gun pointed in its direction.
Put simply, we’re the closest thing you have to a single-payer universal system that regulates costs so we don’t go broke in the future.
Lab, X-rays and diagnostic tests? We hold you up to our brightest propane light and see what we see. If you prefer, and the weather cooperates, we’ll hold you up to natural sunlight to better see what ails you.
Outpatient surgery? The shack only has six bunks and they’re all taken. You’ll be in and out of the operating room real quick, we guarantee. We offer free patient delivery back to the shack of your choice.
Emergency room facilities? Everything at the hunting shack is an emergency.
Mental health and chemical dependency treatment? We’re not crazy. You crazy. Have a beer and a vitamin cigar while browsing the many titles in our allegorical library. Please, no ashes on the floor and whatever you do, don’t talk to the librarian. He is crazy.
Our renowned four-step program is the talk of the industry:
1)You hobble or drag yourself to the shack
2)You sit down
3) We determine by process of deductive reasoning and poking at your wounds what’s wrong
4) We fix
“I was in and out of their shack, all fixed up, in less than an hour. My wounds have healed completely except for the slight limp caused by an infection from the baling wire that was used to hold my leg together. My fault though. I was sent home with a bottle of cheap bourbon and instead of soaking the wound like I was supposed to, I drank it all instead. And the whole procedure didn’t take a single bite out of my bank account either.”
“Those fellows will consult with you prior to any use of saws, clamps, soldering irons, cutting torches or chisels. You won’t be rushed or pressured into a decision regarding the most important thing you have, your health. But they don’t waste valuable time worrying about the small stuff. If the pain of your extreme injury has you addled, they’ll make the appropriate decision for you. If they decide that a limb has to go or that exploratory surgery is needed fast, you can be sure that they’re thinking of your welfare first and foremost. And I tell you, I’ve never had such cheap medical care in my life.”
Fall Lake Township
Don’t waste anymore of your hard-earned money on preposterous health care plans. If you’re injured, or just need a check-up, stop by the shack now and sign up for the Camp Shack Medical Indemnity Insurance Health Trust Inc., Ltd., LLC, IOU plan. Don’t wait.
Note: Offer not available in most states or where appropriate permits or licensing are required.