National Ice Cream Day ends in sodomy yet again

Paul Ryan

For the fifth straight year, Duluth’s National Ice Cream Day festivities have ended in a barrage of sodomy. Every single person at the event took part, with both men and women ritualistically sodomizing anything within their line of sight. People, animals, potted plants, and even aesthetically pleasing bicycle racks were sodomized with vicious efficiency. No one knows why every National Ice Cream Day ends this way. Once the event reached its predetermined end time at 8pm, the chaos stopped as quickly as it had begun.

“I just don’t understand it,” said Police Chief Brad Thurmon. “Every year the city plans a delightful family friendly ice cream social filled with games, musical performances and all the free ice cream people can eat, and every year it ends in a terrifying avalanche of sodomy. People, dogs, seagulls, even ladies’ hats! We’ve got an entire shop down here in Canal Park dedicated to fashionable ladies’ hats, and look at them now. Who’s going to want to wear these brutally sodomized hats now?”

Surprisingly, it isn’t any particular gender, race or creed causing the destruction. All citizens seem to be acting on a primal instinct brought out in them only by complimentary ice cream. While the city holds many annual events that provide free treats, only the ice cream festival results in backdoor anarchy.

“I wish I could explain how it happened,” said Niles Larson, one of a crowd of thousands who suddenly began anally penetrating everything around them without warning. “It was a beautiful day, lots of sunshine, I was full of ice cream. Life couldn’t have been more perfect. I guess with all the unspeakable horrors in the world nowadays, my brain just isn’t used to pure happiness. It just outright rejected that bliss and started compelling me to sodomize things. Fortunately, I don’t think anyone was figuratively butthurt over it.”
Scientists have confirmed Larson’s theory. With racial tensions, income degradation and the demise of the middle class leading America into a new era of slave labor and corporate dictatorship, the minds of human beings have spent the past 20 years acclimating to permanent unhappiness. When that cycle is interrupted by actual happiness, the brain panics and restarts itself like a computer, leaving the person with only their natural caveperson instincts for a few hours. That’s when everyone starts thrusting their genitalia and fists into anything remotely capable of receiving them.

Psychologists have actually found the antics to be quite healthy. Without the annual Ice Cream Sodomy Social, experts argue that even the tamest members of society would eventually be overcome by the constant misery of their meaningless lives, leading to mass shootings or other deadly purges that unfairly rob others of life. Not only is the ice cream sodomy useful, but the residents involved in the event also seem surprisingly fond of it.

“I humped a mailbox!” said Candice Brie, a 63-year-old with no criminal record. “I hate the postal service so much, how they leave those stupid delivery slips in my mailbox instead of delivering the actual packages. When the time came and the purge hit, I grabbed that mailbox and didn’t let go until I’d had enough. God, my Fitbit score for yesterday was amazing! I feel completely refreshed. I can’t wait until next year!”

Ron Goldman, a 24-year-old who lives with his parents, was repeatedly assaulted via his anus by a pack of crazed women armed with loaves of french bread. He said he was terrified at first, but ended up enjoying himself quite a bit, even through the two hour long removal process in urgent care. He’s already making plans to return next year and meet up with the new friends he made.

“I’m an anxious person and have trouble expressing myself around others, so life can get pretty lonely,” said Goldman, sitting on seven different ice packs simultaneously. “I don’t have a girlfriend at the moment, so when that pack of crazed elderly women jumped on me, it was like a dream come true. They took charge and did all the work. Finally, some action! I actually caught myself whistling a happy tune while working this morning. Imagine that!”

Despite the chaos and gross negligence, city officials have no plans to end the ice cream/sodomy festival. Most agree that while terrifying, everyone involved in the annual event seems quite consenting. People are a bit sore the next day and walk a little funny, but the city has never fielded a single lawsuit related to the event.

The only person in the entire Northland who seems upset is Frank Mendel, the city maintenance worker in charge of cleaning up after the event.

“Holy God, people are gross,” said Mendel, setting fire to his brown mop and other materials he just used to cleanse Canal Park. “I don’t like to judge, but look over there. Look at the way Mr. Peepers is walking. That poor stray cat wasn’t bow-legged before the ice cream festival. It sure wasn’t delicious handmade ice cream that did that to him. God, I hate free ice cream.”