Cupid charged with 105.3 billion counts of drugging people

Paul Ryan

After years of allegations, Cupid is finally on trial regarding charges that he drugged billions of men and women with a date rape substance he calls “love”. Over 105 billion people have stepped forward as victims, joining together in a class action lawsuit. The testimony alone lasted months.

“I dated this guy once who made me watch professional wrestling every week for a year,” said Carrie Block, one of Cupid’s millions of victims. “He also used to eat spaghetti with slices of American cheese. I was so confused! I couldn’t figure out what possessed me to keep dating such a loser. Now it’s clear that Cupid’s arrow forced me to fall for a douchebag.”

Perhaps most disturbing is the distribution method for “love”. The drug - which has not been approved by the FDA - can only be administered by firing a bow and arrow into the person’s chest. Assuming the target survives, they’ll become obsessed with the first person they see, even if that person is really, really ugly.

“When I first felt the sting of Cupid’s arrow, I thought I loved it,” said Chelsea Boyd. “Twenty years later, the drug is finally wearing off and I’m realizing I married some fat guy from Wisconsin. We collect decorative spoons from each state we visit in our RV. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was younger! How the hell did I end up living in a trailer in Sheboygan? Every time he goes to the bathroom I have to take a 45-minute walk! This Cupid asshole has a lot to answer for!”

It wasn’t just women Cupid targeted. There are an equal number of male plaintiffs.

“I know everything about every Kardashian who has ever lived,” said Peter Sockjiz, another victim. “I wasted two years of my life dating some girl who was obsessed with the Kardashians. Every moment together was filled with endless talk of them and whatever mindless crap they were doing that day. It was unbearable, and yet I continued dating her for an unreasonably long time. Did you know that Kim Kardashian uses a blow dryer on her jewelry so it’s not cold when it touches her skin? Yeah, I don’t give a fat shit either, but thanks to Cupid’s arrow, my potentially brilliant mind is now clogged with useless factoids about morons. Thanks, dick!”

Even those who haven’t been on a date in years are complaining that Cupid messed up their life.

“I love pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets, and it’s all Cupid’s fault!” said Wilbur Horsemann, yet another victim. “I don’t want to love them. They taste awful, yet every night when I come home from work, I reach for them first. They’re so much easier to cook than real food. I thought Cupid was supposed to help ugly people get laid. I haven’t been laid in the nine years since he forced me to love Hot Pockets.”

Cupid is being charged with 92.1 billion counts of archery-related rape, 13.2 billion counts of unlicensed matchmaking whilst not wearing pants, and three counts of public urination inside an Applebee’s restaurant. It didn’t take long for recordings of the proceedings to be leaked to the public.

“The defendant shoots people in the chest with arrows made of quaaludes,” said Special Prosecutor Don Donden. “He’s openly admitted to doing this for nearly 1,452 years, and shows no signs of remorse whatsoever.”

“Objection, your honor!” said Charles Fartquest Sr, defense counsel. “The prosecution is trying to Cosby my client. Mr. Cupid used arrows made of love, not quaaludes. Love doesn’t have a sedative effect, it just makes you fall head over heels in love with a person as if they could do no wrong and you’re their personal slave. It’s totally different.”

“Cupid is a monster!” retorted Donden. “Imagine a roofie that lasts your entire life. Have you ever seen couples where one of them is really attractive and the other one looks like an old trash bag left outside in the rain? This evil little man is responsible for all of that! Well, him and alcohol.”

“The prosecutor is way out of line, your honor,” said Fartquest Sr. “He’s trying to Cosby us right in our Cosbys using the entire girth of his Cosby. Cupid is the son of Venus and the immortal God of desire, erotic love, attraction and affection. Let’s not drag him down to the level of a mortal rapist who both produced and starred in ‘Leonard Part 6.’”

Cupid has refused to speak to the media about the allegations, but gave a brief statement when called to the stand.

“I’ve been bringing love to the world for close to 1,500 years,” said Cupid. “But are people grateful? Nah. They just bitch, bitch, bitch all damn day. Even I can’t help them. To be honest, it’s not terribly hard to see why all these whiny bastards are still single.”