Giant murderous duck expected to attack in August

Paul Ryan

A 61-foot tall yellow duck is on a murderous rampage, and its next stop is Duluth. Weighing nearly 11 tons, the vicious duck with a lust for human blood will destroy everyone and everything in its path. “Mama”, as the duck is called, has already leveled the once thriving metropolises of Toronto, Canada and Fairport, Ohio.
Nearly 1.2 million people died in Toronto as the giant flesh-eating duck smashed through the city like a runaway freight train through a paper mache toilet filled with raccoons. Spewing fire and brimstone from its razor-sharp beak, the cruel monster cooked and swallowed innocent citizens in one swift motion. Those who weren’t eaten were burned alive in the fires or crushed to death inside crumbling buildings.
“That duck is some bullshit,” said Travis Gleen, one of Toronto’s local youths. “He looks all smiley and shit, but once he gets close he’ll eat your friend Dave. Trust me, I know. Took Dave’s head clean off! I don’t even mind all that, it’s the poop everywhere. There’s duck poop the size of my car all over Harbourfront Centre. Somebody needs to clean that shit up so people can walk around here. What’s the use of having a lakewalk if nobody can walk on it? These damn ducks are out of control.”

Fairport, Ohio wasn’t so lucky. Their entire city was leveled along with its 3,097 residents. The shitty duck turned the rubble of the once thriving city into a nesting ground to lay its shitty eggs. Not a single resident was left unscrambled.
Scientists are baffled by the duck’s violent behavior. Most Americans don’t eat duck eggs because of high cholesterol levels, and Duluth has more vegetarians and vegans than ever before. The region is also known more for hunting deer than birds. The angry feral duck has not made any demands, and Canada’s attempts to throw bread at the duck have been met with alarming disinterest.
“We’ve always had problems with aggressive geese in these parts, but never ducks,” said Dr. Edna Tamplon, head of the Biodiversity Department at St. Scholastica. “If any water-based fowl was going to give us problems, everyone’s money would have been on geese. But a duck? What the hell has anyone ever done to a damn duck? People feed them crackers, for God’s sake! Crackers! For free!”
Duluth officials have realized they can’t defeat or defend against the duck, so they’re taking an unusual strategy. They plan to win over the duck with kindness. Rather than defend Duluth from certain doom, Mayor Emily Larson has ordered the city to lower all defenses and instead create banners and advertising for the duck’s arrival, treating the region’s coming apocalypse as some sort of delightful festival for tourists.
Tall Ships Duluth, an annual event in the Twin Ports, has agreed to sponsor the vicious bastard of a duck. The majority of the tall ships will sail into the harbor around the same time as the immoral, sadist duck, and Larson plans to treat the duck like the arrival of any other ship. Music will play, cheers will be given forth by the crowd of onlookers, and if the plan works, the bloodthirsty duck will be pleased by our serfdom and spare our lives and our city. Greg Samborghini, producer of the festival, is optimistic about the plan.
“I love my family so much,” said Samborghini. “Oh God, what have I done? I love them so much. They’re all going to die. We’re all going to die! All of us! The duck is coming, and it holds no fancy for humankind! We are like delicious miniature waffles to him. Our people will see you again in hell, vile duck! We will rise again and burn you in the savage fires of Satan’s butthole, you gigantic rubber bastard!”

Tall Ships Festival 2016 - possibly the last festival ever - will be held Aug 18-21 in Bayfront Park. Attendees should prepare to be ravaged, pillaged, enslaved and possibly raped by a new master race of gargantuan ducks. Police also want to remind residents that ducks don’t have nerves or blood vessels in their feet, so any attempts to attack the 61 foot tall monster from the ground will be futile.
The best thing for citizens to do is move far away from the Twin Ports and all water-adjacent regions permanently, like young people on the Iron Range. Only by hiding in dry desert locations and underground vaults can humanity save itself from its cruel duck mistresses, which will certainly move inward to dry land when their food source of human flesh runs low. There is no other way to avoid certain death. Ducks don’t accept bribes, threats or intelligent reasoning. Ducks are just assholes.
“Some ducks aren’t looking for anything logical, like money,” said Dr. Tamplon. “They can’t be bought or bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some ducks just want to watch the world burn.”