God too busy playing Fallout 4 to fix The Middle East

Paul Ryan

Tensions are high throughout the world as France struggles to recover from the devastating terrorist attacks last week. Through millions of prayers worldwide, God has been called upon to punish the evildoers and restore humanity’s faith. God says he will do so as soon as he’s finished with his current task.

“Goddamn it!” shouted God, dying yet again in the supermarket scene in Fallout 4. “They’re coming out of everywhere, climbing through the windows. This is bullshit! Ghouls can’t climb through windows! This whole stupid video game is bullshit!”

God then threw his controller across the room in disgust.

“God, I hope that’s not broken,” said God. “That lady at the store is going to give me the look if I have to replace another one.”

While many argue that God shouldn’t be playing games if they make him say words like that, He feels everyone has to let loose once in a while, even supreme beings made entirely of cosmic glitter and pegasus semen. He also understands that people want world peace now, but it’s just very unfortunate timing. He’s been planning this vacation around the release of the game for a long time, and it simply wouldn’t be fair to Him to cancel His plans on such short notice.

“Look, I don’t work at Walmart. I don’t have to cancel my vacation because some dude called in sick,” said God, chugging as much Mountain Dew: Code Red as possible while the next cut scene in the game played. “Did I spend the last decade treating Muslims like second class citizens? No. Have I wasted nearly a year sitting on my hands and ignoring a growing trend of violence? No. Did I choose to ally with nations that have spent nearly half a century arming every hostile fringe group in The Middle East to further their own political interests? No. Once people are born, it’s their responsibility to run their affairs. Wait, can I not improve my existing gun using parts from other guns? I could do that in the last game. Ugh. Why the sam hell have I been lugging around seven laser muskets for the past four hours? Bastards.”

God thought about reducing the difficulty level on the game, perhaps trying “hard” or “very hard” instead of the “survivor” level, but he feels that move would be unethical. If God can’t complete the game on the highest level, then the universe, and possibly our entire perception of space and time might spin out of balance.

As for solving terrorism, God is using a little tactic He likes to call “Ignoring people until they solve their own problems.” He’s used this tactic quite liberally since the dawn of mankind.

“People have to adapt to life, just like I’m adapting to this game,” said God. “You can’t flip a switch and make life easier, and you can’t kill your way out of terrorism. It’s not like if you kill enough terrorists, the rest of them will dissolve and join your fantasy football league. The only way to beat terrorists is for civilized nations to stop creating them. Get rid of drones and other unethical war tactics. Fix your own morality before asking Me to fix theirs. Good Lord, more deathclaws. Every time I’m on a roll, goddamn deathclaws! I will treat them with respect and leave them alone, rather than attacking. I will set a good example for France. Teach a man to fish and all that.”

Despite His absence, God is making sure to check in from time to time. Dolphins are still His favorite mammals, but he believes humanity can compete somewhat if they’re disciplined with constructive sarcasm.

“Oh look, everyone changed their social media photo,” said God, rolling his eyes. “Great job, everyone. That’ll stop terrorism. I’m sure ISIL will see that French flag you added to your photo and go take straight jobs working at a tanning salon. Jesus Christ on a cracker.”

In the absence of a fictional version of God who solves everyone’s problems in exchange for simply mentioning His name, world leaders have picked up the slack, offering equally vague promises and solutions.

“Last week, we saw a terrible tragedy take place in France,” said American President Barack Obama. “We are deeply saddened, and will offer help in any way we can. Speaking of help, if anyone knows where to find the flaming sword in Fallout 4, let me know. For security reasons, the Secret Service doesn’t allow me to Google, so I’m in a bit of a bind here.”

French President Francois Hollander is equally frustrated.

“The people of France thank everyone for their support,” said President Hollande. “Together, we shall beat these evil fartknockers. We will persevere through the strength of … Wait, what’s happening? Pierre, why is my character stuck inside an elevator? You’ve gotta be kidding me. Try to load a previous save. It’s not working? What do you mean I have to start over? I’ve already been playing this game for 20 hours! I can’t start over! Why do they ship games when they’re this buggy? This is truly a sad and very frustrating day.”