Starbucks reveals new Jesus cup

Paul Ryan

The Lord may not hath risen until Easter, but Starbucks is bringing Him back a few months early for their new line of Christmas Jesus cups. Christians the world over are celebrating as the coffee chain known for their liberal zealotry turns over a new leaf and respects the Jesus.

Starbucks CEO Thad Mulberry says the change is for the right reasons.

“Hardcore liberals tend to prefer small, locally owned coffee shops,” said Mulberry. “But when we saw how much money hardcore religious folk will blindly throw at anything Jesus related, we really fell in love with them. All we did was change a cup, and now they’re our mindless slaves. We now have an army of orcs we can release if anybody messes with us. It’s amazing. We should have done this years ago.”

The new “Crucifixion Cups” for the 2015 holiday season combine the company’s iconic siren logo with Jesus’ brutal murder. This festive holiday design includes a partial 3D rendering of the siren’s arms nailed to a wooden cross, simulating the suffering of Jesus and the equal suffering that millions of people feel every day while drinking Starbucks’ burnt, sugar-filled coffee abominations. The protruding cup design is also covered in glitter to provide a cheerful effect. Mulberry warns that these collectible holiday cups will only be “hanging around” for a limited time.

To keep the holiday spirits festive for all, the company has also unveiled cups representing other mainstream religions.

People of the Jewish faith can look forward to a plain blue cup. Much like Judaism, this seemingly bland design actually has a treasure trove of rich features below the surface. Each cup can be folded into one of the following shapes: Star of David or Hall of Fame baseball player Sandy Koufax. In addition, the lid of the Judaism cup looks like a yarmulke, helping save the day for busy Jewishians who are late to synagogue and forgot theirs at home.

Muslim cups don’t have Mohammed imagery, for fear of causing offense, but they do have an image of Aziz Ansari giving a thumbs up. While Ansari identifies as an atheist, he was raised Muslim and is relatively inexpensive to book, despite having millions of social media followers. One out of every 50 cups are signed by Ansari and include his private cellphone number. Executives believe his image will sell slightly more coffee than Mos Def or President Barack Obama.

Mormons get the same cup design as Christians, but their cup comes adorned with a pair of miniature underpants that glow in the dark. Much like Mormon underpants, the cup’s underwear is not removable.

In the same style as Mickey’s Malt Liquor, Buddhism coffee cups are short and fat “grenade style” cups. This lets the customer shotgun their coffee, allowing them to return to meditation as quickly as possible. Starbucks trusts that the peaceful nature of Buddhists will keep them from using the cups as a weapon, no matter how incredibly easy and fun that may be.

Since Hindus believe the one supreme God cannot be fully known or understood, Starbucks has decorated their cup with line drawings of L. Ron Hubbard’s penis. This technically fits within the broader parameters of Hinduism, while also allowing it to double as a Scientology cup. One out of every 50 cups are signed by Gandhi and L. Ron Hubbard themselves, and include their private cellphone numbers.

Atheists are getting a holiday cup as well. In place of a deity, Atheist cups have a patterned image of dinosaurs wearing adorable lab coats. Each dinosaur is wearing proper eye goggles whilst researching the origins of the universe. When viewed from far away, the pattern appears to spell out the phrase “Fuck you”.

For Satan worshippers, Starbucks has chosen a rather startling image of a horned goat covered in cancerous lesions thrusting all nine of its warped, diseased phalluses into the buttocks of a bloody Uncle Sam. The image changes color based on temperature. The more coffee you drink, the redder Uncle Sam gets. A sprinkle of habanero powder is also added to the rim of the cup.

There are also cups for agnostics, which are generic but include a code for one free month of NFL Sunday Ticket.

Perhaps the most controversial aspect of the holiday cups is that customers cannot choose which religion they receive. The cups will be blind assorted, forcing patrons to return again and again if they want to collect the full set.

“The best part is that people can even use our coffee cups to determine their religion,” said Mulberry. “Not sure which religion is right for you? Let one of our 22-year-old baristas blindly choose your faith! The origin of the universe is a complicated subject. We hope to help ease the process of determining the fibers of one’s moral being by removing all that tedious reading and talking to people with experience.”

The cups will be available at Starbucks through the month of December, or until all their shops have been burned to the ground by deranged fanatics.