[Not Satire] Humanity deemed too stupid to recognize satire

Paul Ryan

After decades of the least intelligent members of society producing the vast majority of the offspring, human beings have declared themselves too dumb to differentiate real news from satirical sources. “Satire” tags will now be added on Facebook when an article is a satirical farce, thereby ruining said farce completely.
“I give up,” said Anna Kendrick, a gas station attendant from Cheyenne, WY, with an IQ of 53, well above the national average. “This article is titled ‘Johnny Manziel retires early to start horse gynecology clinic,’ but is it real? I can’t tell! Damn you, non-mainstream media!”
The satire tags will keep blatantly obvious entertainment websites like The Onion from being interpreted as real news. Political articles promoting blatant lies and intentionally misleading information will be allowed to continue unfettered.
“I don’t read no news,” said Amy Adams, a Walmart greeter from St. Louis, MO. “But I seen the newsies on Facebook, so I reading enough. Did you know Obama don’t pay taxes and I pay for his daughter penis implant? My moneys stolen liberal agenda illegal immigrant rape monkeys but I knows the truth! It get me all riled up!”
Most users of the popular website agree with the change.
“I read an article that said Chuck Norris was dead!” said Bradley Cooper, a postal service worker from Detroit, MI. “He wasn’t dead at all! It was a hoax! People laughed at me for three whole seconds and then forgot about it, and now my life is ruined! Thank God Facebook will point out jokes to me in the future, so I’ll know when to laugh.”
Much like the beloved laugh track added to TV shows, Facebook’s satire tag will ensure that humor can be enjoyed by everyone, without less clever members of society feeling left behind. By telling people when to be amused, Facebook is also helping people who are intelligent but too busy and self-fellating to use basic common sense. Facebook officials argue that these two groups—morons and egotists—make up roughly 97 percent of our species.
Some users are asking for even more intervention from Facebook, with tags required next to each joke in articles. While laughing at jokes is a reflex so carnal that even mentally challenged people who aren’t allowed to use forks have mastered it, most fully developed humans find thinking to be a task best reserved for people less important than them.
“You know how sometimes you’ll read an article or watch a movie a second time and you’ll notice jokes you missed the first time around?” said Donald Sutherland, a toilet salesman in Raleigh, NC. “I hate that. Just tell me where all the funny stuff is from the start so I can move on to the next meaningless piece of pop culture faster.”
If the changes to Facebook are popular, the move could alter media across the world. Scary movies will add warnings before monsters jump out, preventing viewers from becoming frightened. Singers will be forced to enunciate clearly so the lyrics are decipherable without multiple listens. Artists will be limited to only painting literal interpretations of objects, so the half-retarded mongoloids who make up this world will know every single thing about everything within five seconds of realizing it exists.
Some businesses see potential profits in this change. A company named Pizztronics just completed a prototype of a smart watch that alerts you when you have to pee. This same device will inform you when you’re hungry and provide instructions on how to chew, in case the user’s daily life is too vexing for them to remember how to feed themselves.
“I’m very busy! I lead a very busy life!” shouted Leonardo DiCaprio, an insurance salesman from St. Paul, MN, as he played Candy Crush on his phone while driving to work. “Usually I have my secretary read my Facebook to me while I drop a deuce in the restroom, but she has trouble recognizing satire. Hopefully this will help. God knows I’m too busy to help myself.”
DiCaprio then vomited his breakfast out the window of his moving SUV.
“Sorry,” said DiCaprio, “but it helps keep the morning bowel movement as quick as possible. But at least there are satire tags on Facebook now, ensuring that I’ll never read anything fake on the Internet ever again. Life is good.”