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Listen up, gonads. This election is important, damn it. You Minnesotans not only get to help select the crappiest douchebag from our nation’s political Man Stable, you can also pass an amendment on one of the most important moral battles of our time. You get to vote on whether a small group of loving, caring, and committed people have the right to eat at Arby’s restaurants.

Eating at Arby’s is an abomination, and it’s high time we put a stop to this disgusting lifestyle. Their sandwiches are gooey, their french fries defiantly choose not to be straight, and all they have for dessert are weird apple turnover thingies. God-fearing folk simply cannot tolerate this sort of “lifestyle choice.” Please vote “yes” on Tuesday’s amendment, banning Minnesotans from eating at Arby’s. Let the devious bastards take their non-grilled beef out of the public eye, where things that make me uncomfortable belong.

I know what you’re thinking. You think this doesn’t affect you, because you don’t like eating at Arby’s. That’s not surprising. Studies show that only 10 percent of the population enjoys eating at Arby’s. The very act itself is unnatural. Also, I personally don’t like it. That’s why it’s so deathly important that we make sure NO ONE can eat at Arby’s. If we allow people to choose Arby’s, then what’s next? People marrying penguins, that’s what’s next.

Some people say it’s not a choice whether to like Arby’s or not. They say no one in their right mind would ever CHOOSE Arby’s. It would be like choosing to be beaten up, or choosing to be a Wisconsin native. They say people either like fluffy meat with nacho cheese drizzling out of the sandwich like snot, or they don’t. They say everyone is born with an Arby’s preference, chosen only by God. They believe some people know of their Arby’s tendencies right away, while others spend years eating at McDonald’s like a normal person only to later realize that the uncomfortableness they’ve always felt was because they’re really of the Arby’s persuasion.

What a load of bullshit. Natural or not, the desire to eat at Arby’s can be suppressed. We’ve given these freaks plenty of chances to keep their lifestyle to themselves, but they refuse. They have to walk around all day making a show of it, eating Arby’s in front of our children. You don’t eat a Big Beef & Cheddar in front of a small boy! Not in my town! Before you know it, every kid in the state will be turning “Arby’s curious” and heading toward a life of sin.

Besides, roast beef isn’t even fast food. Arby’s is changing the very definition of the phrase. Some people say the meanings of words always change to fit society, rather than the other way around. For instance, in the early ages, marriage was mainly an arranged cementing of family alliances and property, with love not being much involved. But don’t you think it’s time we banned change, since everyone agrees that life is perfect right now?

Liberal floozy Al Franken has spoken in favor of Arby’s. Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe—whom I’ve always suspected of abusing steroids to lengthen his punts—is also pro-Arby’s. Big celebrities, sure, but do you know who shares MY opinion on the matter? God. Yes, the scriptures are very clear about God’s position on Arby’s:

- Lev. 18:22, “You shall not eat at an Arby’s as one eats at a McDonald’s; it is an abomination.”

- Lev. 20:13, “If there is a man who eats at an Arby’s, he will have committed a detestable act; he shall surely be put to death”

- Rom. 1:26-28, “For this reason, God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function of eating at Denny’s for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the Grand Slam meal and burned in their desire toward wet, poofy roast beef sandwiches. And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those Arby’s-related things which are not proper.”

- Lev. 27:14, “And God declared to Mary, ‘Fucketh Arby’s. Let us stayeth home and eat excrement from the toilet instead. It is but the same.’”

You just read the word of God with your own eyes. “Fucketh Arby’s.” That sounds like He’s pretty serious about it. And since the majority religion is the only one that matters, and the entire reason the United States exists is because the British empire WASN’T forcing the majority’s religious beliefs onto an entire populace often enough, this is a very ethical amendment that is not in any way mind-numbingly stupid or insulting to the very purpose of our country.

Pass the Defense of Meats amendment! Do it now! Or possibly Tuesday! Then we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief, knowing that roast beef sandwiches won’t exist anymore. For once we ban them, they will be erased from the world, never to be seen again. Just like marijuana and gay people.