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I was well prepared for Minnesota’s 2026 Republican caucuses. Having rescinded my intention to run as a Democrat for Congress I printed 100 copies of my two-year-old column about the 2022 Republican convention, “The Furries are coming for us."

Along with my flyers I brought a dozen resolutions to offer. They included: There shall be no invasion of Greenland or other territories recognized by international convention. All candidates for president must submit complete personal audits before accepting the presidential nomination. No President may draw taxpayer dollars to pursue personal lawsuits. Federal police shall not wear masks to hide their identity.

All of this was for nought.

GOP Poobah Donna Bergstrom approached me cautiously and asked if I really was a Republican.

I assured her that I was very much a Republican in the mold of Abraham Lincoln. Looking perplexed she asked which precinct I was from. I told her Precinct 9.

She typed my address into the Secretary of state’s precinct finder but drew a blank. Twice. I did the same. Minnesota assured me I was from precinct 9.

I asked where I could leave political literature and someone pointed to a table for Precinct 9. It had a table but it was not included on the posted list of rooms where precincts would caucus. I settled myself at the table to fill out my official caucus registration form.

I was glad I had arrived at the caucuses 20 minutes early. A couple old friends came by to chat. One old buddy teased that I might get an iffy reception. No kidding!

I smiled and said I’d already noticed it. When I saw Art Johnston, my old comrade on the school board, he scowled at me.

“You called Republicans turds,” he told me.

I recalled the cartoon President Trump posted of himself dropping a payload of cartoon shit on No King’s protesters. I parried by telling Art,  “Forty years ago I was called a ‘baby killer’ at a Republican convention.” (I was also described as “a worse mass murderer than Stalin, Hitler and Mao combined.”) Art did something he probably would have been well advised to do more often. He walked away.

After my friends departed, I looked at the last question on my registration. “Please sign here only if you are:

1. An eligible voter in your precinct.

2. you are in general agreement with the principles of the MN GOP, and

3. have voted Republican in the last Presidential election or place (I’m sure “place” was supposed to be “plan”) to vote Republican in the next election.

#1 I was an eligible voter.

#2 I thought loving Lincoln was a reasonable qualification.

But number #3 was tricky. I planned to vote for myself in the August primary. However, since I think Pete Stauber acted treasonously when he voted to stop the 2020 presidential election, I couldn’t imagine voting for him.

Before I could finish Donna found me again. She told me she was challenging my right to caucus as a Republican. She had printed out my three-week-old decision, since rescinded, to run as a Democrat.

At the time I thought a liberal Republican with a Democratic nomination and a flailing Trump economy might be just the ticket. But then I realized I owed it to Abe to clean up his party. 

However, I could see the writing on the wall. I told Donna I wasn’t there to put up a stink. (I’d just file as a Republican and let the votes decide.) She thanked me for not putting up a fight.

I recalled that Groucho Marx said he wouldn’t join any club that would have him. But what, I wondered, about a club that didn’t want him, or me?

My Furry flyer described Republicans who insisted that public schools were being forced to put kitty litter boxes in school bathrooms. Above the column I quoted John 8:32, “The truth will set you free.”

When I was 12 my grandfather, a recipient of the Congressional Medal of Honor told me, “Don’t ever vote for a Democrat. I did it once and it was the worst mistake of my life.” 

He was still mad at Woodrow Wilson for breaking his campaign promise not to send American boys to World War 1.

I think if George Robb was in my shoes he’d change his mind. A world where the GOP is prepared to invade Greenland, ally themselves with tyrants and replace history with bullshit is a world turned upside down.

As for shooting people sticking up for frightened people doing the work Americans don’t want to do to keep our economy humming – that is beyond a deal breaker.

Maybe this time when I challenge Pete Stauber, I’ll find the money to mail 300,000 voters the story of our congressman’s betrayal of democracy. There are still a few folks like my grandfather. He went to war to make the world safe for democracy.

Welty’s campaign is unfolding at lincolndemocrat.com and elsewhere online.