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In what some have characterized as “The Love Boat” incident, an unknown number of nuns hijacked the Coast Guard icebreaker Sundew Tuesday.  Outraged over the state of our society, and emboldened by their successful trashing of a laundry room on the College of St. Scholastica campus earlier in the day, the rampaging nuns captured the 140 foot ship with few casualties.
The nuns hope to call attention to a variety of social justice issues such as the disappearing middle class, gay rights, animal rights and unreasonably low speed limits.

“It’s not needed to break ice due to the early spring, so we’re using it to break another barrier,” said Sister Henrietta, one of several steely-eyed nuns fighting outdated cultural and religious injunctions against certain sexual orientation. Contacted on the bridge of the icebreaker by the Northland Enquirer, Sister Henrietta explained the action. “Society is growing ever more dysfunctional, the environment is deteriorating and the future looks bleak. We are mad as hell…beg pardon…and we aren’t going to take it any more!”
    
“We want out of the closet.  Our closets are filled with very drab uniforms.  I actually preferred the older habits with the basic black and white tunics, wimples, veils and cornettes. Wimples rhymes with dimples, after all,” noted Sister Gertrude, winking at our intrepid reporter.

Asked about the furor over UMD hockey coach and self-described lesbian, Shannon Miller’s termination, the nuns were conflicted.  “Some of our Sisters are straight, some are gay, and if we had the freedom she had, we would be happy to be treated equally rather than expect special treatment because of our sexual preference.  And unlike Miller, our priorities are with education, not a single-minded devotion to sports. We want equality, not superiority,” said Sister Margaret as she stood at the helm steering the ship in wide circles in frigid Lake Superior water.  But others differed.

“Miller wasn’t afraid to throw a fit and put herself first.  As nuns and possibly lesbians, we’ve been quiet and subservient for so long, it’s refreshing to see someone with our sexual preference make a fool of herself.”  Sister Heather snorted. “Essentially, she is advancing the theory that it was her sexuality rather than her failings as a coach and college mentor that led to her firing.  Shit, did you EVER see her at ANY UMD functions helping to promote the school with those deep pocket alumni?”  “ You take the good with the bad, and she made her rink, and now she has to skate in it” Sister Heather explained, somewhat mixing her metaphors.

Some Church authorities were reluctant to go on record, but privately, speaking off the record, Paul David Sirba, Bishop of the Duluth Diocese, condemned the illegal hijacking, but sympathized with the women and wished them well. “The church used to say the Pope was infallible, but with Pope Francis refusing to judge gay people, embracing the poor rather than those who donate large sums to the church, and arguing against control of government by the 1% who have no sense of Christian husbandry,” he said, “ anything goes.”

This band of sisters has captivated the country.  The nuns often wear GoPro cameras to capture their activities, and their blog has received over a million hits and counting. A Kickstarter campaign is imminent.
“I never thought I’d be turned on by nuns, but watching them on their webcam, in their skimpy habits, and seeing the occasional kiss is strangely compelling,” said freshman college student and self-confessed nerd Skyler Flintstone. Flintstone also is impressed by their political platform advocating equal rights for crustaceans.

Local and state authorities have not disclosed plans to end the crisis, but rumors are circulating that the National Guard may storm the ship and arrest the dissident nuns. Media are pouring into Duluth hoping to capture any bloodshed in sensitive, yet gory, footage.
Mayor Ness promises swift action. “We can’t have rampaging nuns on the loose in Duluth. It could ruin the tourist friendly downtown we have worked so hard to promote. There is no room for nuns in downtown Duluth, or on the lake either for that matter.  We’ll use the three strikes rule on them, even if it really is their first strike.” he said.  The nation watches and waits.