News & Articles

Reporters catch Stauber race-baiting in office

An awkward scene resulted when reporters walked in while congressman Smilin’ Pete Stauber (Fascist-MN) was “aggressively and emphatically” race-baiting behind his desk.

Said one unlucky observer, “Everyone wanted to pretend they didn’t see it, but it was impossible to ignore, even after Stauber tried to cover it up with a crusty towel.”

Stauber, after having squeezed out his racist “Stop Fraud from Somalia” Act, had invited reporters to his office to discuss his next act of flagrant fascism, the “Not Again, Somalian Immigrants” Act, or NASI.

“Still, I wish they’d knock!” said Stauber. When told that ICE agents had just blown through a Black person’s apartment door to abduct a 9-year-old parapelygic, Stauber responded, “Meh.”

New Epstein files reveal — no, wait, we’re bombing Guam

We were about to report on some more damning revelations from the Epstein files, but apparently the president just decided to bomb Guam for no explicable reason, so we’re talking about that now.

As always, it is unclear if the president knows Guam is a U.S. territory, or if he thinks it’s an entirely different country. All we know is that it’s another day we’re not talking about the Epstein files, which now reveal an accusation involving a 11-year-old and a goat.

Shit, we’re at war with Andorra now. Sorry, Andorra, that one’s on us. I guess we’ll be shutting up before we get Malaysia into trouble.

Duluth voted best place to live, eat boxed ramen noodles twice a day

Duluthians were proud to learn that the website Livability ranked their city as the number one place to live, as well as the best place to eat cheaply packaged ramen noodles twice a day for sustenance while you contemplate your low-salaried job and bone-crushing poverty.

“I’m so glad we’re the best place to live,” says resident Mark Denton. “I was on my way to Dollar Tree to get some ramen noodles to celebrate, but I can’t afford to fix the broken suspension on my car after hitting the 1,076th pothole.”

“Anyone from Duluth will tell you how great the job opportunities are here,” says Pete “Slender” Slenderman, slurping down a bag of expired chicken-seasoned Maruchan. “Not to mention the functional city government and the hassle-free parking. Hey, want to see me play xylophone on my ribcage?”

“The water never smells,” said Chet Banzanas, in a statement made before disappearing in last March’s blizzard. “So I can boil my ramen securely, as soon as the landlord turns my electricity back on.”

ICE agents complain about broken penal-enhancement promise

Following complaints about not getting the promised $50,000 sign-up bonus, or even their paychecks, ICE agents took to X to complain that they were also not getting the surgeries they desperately needed for their tiny, tiny mirco-penises.

“I was told that if I joined, I’d get a bigger thingy,” whined one ICE agent, who posted as “Anonumus” [sic], but included a picture of himself with his ugly wife, whom we could easily identify as Wichita residents Randy and Karla Burpalott. “But three weeks and seven abducted children later, my wife is still sexually unsatisfied.”

“My dingy is recessed,” complains X user IllliggalsGetOut [sic]. “All my adult life, I’ve basically been peeing out of a tiny hole beneath my belly button. Guess I’ll just have to keep terrorizing everyone with an accent until I have a pecker that’s visible to the naked eye.”

Bondi: Prosecutions on hold till end of Sweeps Week

After having to explain to stupid libtard congressmen that the Dow hit 50,000, thereby making the crimes against Jeffrey Epstein’s victims moot, Attorney General Pam Bondi has now explained to them that her department can’t focus on prosecuting criminals until the end of May, when Sweeps Week wraps up.

“You want to talk about the president taking bribes for pardons,” Bondi told a congressional hearing last week, “when what we should be talking about is how this season of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is going to end. Unless you think you can predict how Aubrielle is going to react when Sariah knocks her raspberry torte on the floor, maybe just shut your soft-on-crime  Antifa mouth.”

Her testimony brought shrugs from Democratic leadership, with Chuck Schumer pointing out, “It’s not like justice exists in a country that elects a 34-times convicted felon as president, anyway.”

Duluth to replace parking meters with disappointed gym coaches

After the city of Duluth announced that it would be phasing out parking meters, the city council revealed that parking spaces would now be monitored by your disappointed gym coach, who will berate you for failing to jump over the flaming tar pit placed in front of the single parking kiosk, conveniently located six blocks away from your space.

“Should have just downloaded the Duluth parking app,” Coach Harttass tells you, as you pull your burnt, slime-covered corpse from the pit. “Nowadays, everyone has a cell phone that never gets lost, stolen, broken, or whose battery runs dry after 14 minutes from having so many apps on it.”

When asked how this saves the city any money, councilor Janet Kennedy beamed, “That’s the beauty of it: We actually save money because public-school educators are paid didley-squat. These subsidies to the Incline Village aren’t going to pay for themselves, you know!”

ICE bravely captures 11-year-old criminal mastermind

Although primarily known for arresting legal residents or US citizens without a warrant, ICE won a public relations victory this week by bringing in 11-year-old Travis Bachentee, who has a rap sheet longer than his three-foot arm.

Bachentee is suspected in at least sixteen murders, dozens of sexual assaults, and concocting a plan to vaporize Jim Falls, Wis., with a death ray.

“It’s like we often say,” says DHS head Markwayne Mullin, “that if we arrest and terrorize enough children, we’re bound to find at least one that committed a felony big enough to be one of the ‘bad hombres’ Trump promised to focus on.” 

Mullin added, “Of course, it helped that Bachentee’s parents were a couple of [racial slur redacted].”

Hermantown Data Center to be powered by local outrage

Local residents who are concerned with the impact the proposed data center will have on their energy bills were assuaged when told that the center would largely subsist on their own burning hot rage.

“So the angrier I get about it, the less strain it puts on the electrical grid,” notes Hermantown resident Mark Denton. “Sounds like a good plan to me. I’m satisfied--no, wait! I mean I’m angry. Grrr, grrr!”

But the plan confused fellow resident Bob “Bobbity” Bobbson. “I mean, my fury is definitely clean energy,” Bobbson reasoned, “but now I’m helping the data center stay in business, which makes me angrier, which gives them more fuel. I need to go lie down, maybe read a book.”

Here, just take our money, says Duluth City Council to random guy in trenchcoat

Giving up any pretense at guarding the city’s coffers, Duluth city councilors this week decided to hand the rest of the treasury over to a guy dressed like Lefty the Salesman from Sesame Street.

The trenchcoat guy, after asserting that he would “bring affordable housing, a pickleball court, or maybe just a catchy tourist slogan” to the city, was handed a giant-sized check for $112.4 million, signed by a majority of the council.

Asked to justify the expenditure, councilman Lynn Marie Nephew simply shrugged. “The check’ll probably bounce, anyway. We signed away the deed to the city to some Nigerian prince.”

Walz saves orphans in vain attempt to distract from day care scandal

Governor Tim Walz single-handedly rescued a bus full of orphans from plunging over the Robert Street Bridge, in an act that many critics call a distraction from the Somalian daycare issue.

“What’s next?” asks congressman Tom “Bootlicker” Emmer. “Infrastructure renovations? Affordable child care? This guy will do anything to distract from the roughly $300 million in defrauded funds, which I’m pretty sure is more than the $1.8 billion a day that I support giving to the president for his Iran ‘excursion.’”

Republican gubernatorial candidate Lisa Demuth applauded her role in the rescue. “If it weren’t for our constant drum-beating on the Somalia scandal, Walz would’ve just let those kids drop into the Mississippi. I mean, it’s certainly what I would have done, because I’m a psychopath.”

Duluth Entertainment and Convention Center to be renamed the DJT ICE CENTER

In a bold move that absolutely no one asked for — except for a certain self aggrandizing president who proclaimed it as “the greatest naming deal in history” — Duluth Entertainment and Convention Center will reportedly be rebranded as the DJT ICE CENTER.

Officials say the new name reflects a “colder, tougher vision for ICE,” along with a branding package that includes gold-plated Zambonis, a luxury penalty box labeled “Executive Time-Out Suite,” and a strict two-minute minor for fact-checking.

A spokesperson for the Duluth Entertainment Convention Center said the proposal came with “an impressive stack of unsigned paperwork” and a promise to replace all existing signage with “much larger, much classier signage, believe me.”

Fans of University of Minnesota Duluth Bulldogs hockey were initially confused but optimistic, with one noting, “If it keeps the ice frozen, I don’t care what they call it — as long as the mascot doesn’t change to a spray-tanned eagle.”

Under the plan, concessions will be updated to include “Freedom Fries on ICE,” while the national anthem may be replaced by a rotating playlist of rally speeches and dramatic pauses.

Critics have questioned the legality, logistics and basic reality of the proposal, but supporters insist the deal is already “fully complete, totally finalized and possibly conceptual.”

Vance goes missing during “totally routine” Greenland takeover trip

Officials confirmed today that J.D. Vance has gone “temporarily unaccounted for” during what aides described as “a perfectly normal, not-at-all suspicious trip” to Greenland.

The vice president was last seen confidently stepping off a military transport, declaring the mission a “great success already,” despite having just arrived. Witnesses say he then wandered off “to take a quick look at some ice,” adding that he “would be right back.”

The trip itself had already raised eyebrows, as it followed previous visits tied to renewed interest in acquiring the icy territory — a long-running ambition frequently championed by Donald Trump.

Search efforts are reportedly underway, though early attempts were hampered when staff realized every direction in Greenland “looks exactly the same but colder.”

One aide admitted, “We tried calling his name, but the wind immediately vetoed that idea.”

Local residents reported spotting a lone figure attempting to negotiate with a group of sled dogs, offering them “very strong deals, the best deals,” in exchange for directions back to the base. The dogs declined comment but appeared unimpressed.

Meanwhile, administration officials insist there is no cause for concern. “He’s not lost,” one spokesperson clarified. “He’s conducting an independent, exploratory freedom walk across sovereign ice.”

At press time, a rescue team had located what they believe to be Vance’s footprints, which appear to circle repeatedly before leading directly into a gift shop that has not existed since 1979.

Paris Sues City of Superior for ‘Paris of the North’ ad campaign

In a development that has stunned absolutely no one familiar with French enthusiasm for intellectual property, the city of Paris has filed a lawsuit against Superior over its recent tourism campaign branding itself as the “Paris of the North.”

Officials in Paris argue the slogan creates “confusion in the global marketplace,” with one spokesperson noting, “Tourists expecting the Eiffel Tower may instead encounter a snowbank and a Kwik Trip, which is not the same experience.”

Superior city leaders, however, are standing by the campaign. “We also have culture,” said one official. “We have at least three cafes, a lake two bridges. Frankly, we think that’s Paris-adjacent.”

The lawsuit reportedly cites multiple instances of “emotional distress,” including a French influencer who arrived in northern Wisconsin expecting croissants by the Seine but instead received a bratwurst near Lake Superior and “a very firm handshake.”

Legal experts say the case hinges on whether Superior’s use of the term “Paris” constitutes false advertising or “aspirational geography,” a relatively new concept in which cities simply decide what they feel like being called.

Residents of Superior appear unfazed. “Look, we’re not saying we are Paris,” said one local. “We’re just saying if Paris had more ice, fewer landmarks and significantly more pickup trucks, it’d basically be this.”

In response, Paris officials are reportedly considering a counter-campaign rebranding themselves as the “Superior of Western Europe,” though early feedback suggests there is some confusion about snowmobile availability.

The case is expected to proceed, unless both sides agree to settle over a mutually respectful exchange of pastries and cheese curds.

Smilin’ Pete attended No Kings rally and nobody noticed

The usually absent Congressman Smilin’ Pete Stauber (Fascity-MN), incognito in a thrift-store pea coat and a fake beard that looked suspiciously like a chia pet, slipped into Saturday’s crowded No Kings rally in Duluth determined to catch George Soros’ funded agitators in the act of maligning his glorious leader.

But he wasn’t counting on the nor’easter blowing in off the big lake, so his mission was compromised when his chia beard was peeled off by the bitter wind. Thinking his cover was blown, Smilin’ Pete pulled the pea coat over his head and scurried away down Second Street to his pickup with the Trump 2028 sign in the back window.

What Smilin’ Pete didn’t realize is that he is so unknown to his constituents that no one would have known him anyway.

The Northland Enquirer’s Believe It or Not!

State of the Union or the insane rantings of a disgusting old man?

“If you took every true thing President Donald Trump said during Tuesday’s State of the Union address and tattooed it onto the genitalia of a flea, there would still be room for the Gettysburg Address.” David Rothkopf, writing in the Daily Beast.

Excerpts from King Donald’s State of the Union address, delivered on Tuesday, Feb. 24, 2026 ,with comments and fact checking in parenthesis.

“...my fellow Americans, our nation is back: Bigger, better, richer and stronger than ever before.”
(If you believe this crap your brain must be smaller than a flea’s genitalia)

“...the state of our Union is strong. Our country is winning again. In fact, we’re winning so much that we really don’t know what to do about it. People are asking me, please, please, please, Mr. President, we’re winning too much. We can’t take it anymore. (Spoken like a true “natural genius”)

“...I took prescription drugs, a very big part of health care, from the highest price in the entire world to the lowest...The result is price differences of 300, 400, 500, 600% and more, all available right now at a new website called trumprx.gov – and I didn’t name that one, either, by the way.” (Reality check: it is mathematically impossible to decrease a price more than 100% and the program details show it is a PR scam that will help very few people).

“...brand new Trump Accounts. And I didn’t name it. I did not. I did not name them. Nobody believes me, but I did not name it...tax free investment accounts for every American child...This is something that’s so special. Has taken off and gone through the roof...” (Fact check: these are only available to babies born between 2025 to 2028 not “every American child.” Most parents won’t earn enough to use this  PR scam. It’s another tax break for well-off families)

“One of the primary reasons for our country’s stunning economic turnaround, the biggest in history...I used these tariffs...to make great deals for our country...Countries that were ripping us off for decades are now paying us hundreds of billions of dollars... And yet these countries are now happy and so are we...”(Like the tariff “deal” with Canada that put the All-America whiskey distillers Jack Daniels and Jim Beam out of business?)

“I believe the tariffs, paid for by foreign countries, will, like in the past, substantially replace the modern-day system of income tax, taking a great financial burden off the people that I love.” (Fact check: tariff income in 2025 was about $275 billion. Individual income tax was $2.7 trillion. Do the math.)

“And the big story was how Donald Trump called the economy correctly. And 22 Nobel Prize winners in economics, didn’t. They got it totally wrong.” (Are you going to believe a serial liar and known con-man or respected economists?)

“...many of the wars I’ve settled was because of the threat of tariffs...”

(Sure Donny – just like in Gaza, Venezuela and Iran!)

“Moving forward, factories, jobs, investment and trillions and trillions of dollars will continue pouring into the United States of America because we finally have a president who puts America first.” (Along with a $2 billion increase in his family’s fortune.)

“I’m also confronting one of the biggest rip-offs of our times, the crushing cost of health care, caused by [the Democrats]...passage of the “Unaffordable Care Act...That’s why I introduced the great health care plan. I want to stop all payments to big insurance companies and instead give that money directly to the people, so they can buy their own health care, which will be better health care at a much lower cost.” (Who will people buy health insurance from if not “big” insurance companies?)

“I am officially announcing the war on fraud to be led by our great Vice President JD Vance...And we’re able to find enough of that fraud, we will actually have a balanced budget overnight.” (Fact check: The GAO says the high estimate of federal spending fraud in 2024 was $521 billion and individual income tax revenue was $2.7 trillion. King Donald is not good at math).

“The Somali pirates who ransacked Minnesota remind us that there are large parts of the world where bribery, corruption and lawlessness are the norm...Importing these cultures through unrestricted immigration and open borders brings us problems right here to the USA.” (Making American great with misinformation, racism and fear mongering.)

Democrats “have closed the agency responsible for protecting Americans from terrorists and murderers...I’m demanding the full and immediate restoration of all funding for the border security, homeland security of the United States, and also for helping people clean up their snow.”(Lie alert: all federal law enforcement agencies are “essential” and still working – although without pay AND THEY WON’T SHOVEL YOUR SNOW!)

“I’m asking you to approve the Save America Act, to stop illegal aliens and others who are unpermitted persons from voting in our sacred American elections, the cheating is rampant in our elections. It’s rampant.” (Lie alert: this legislation requires documentation of citizenship that 21 million citizens don’t have and would create voter registration hassles for many millions more. It is voter suppression and “voter fraud” is statistically insignificant)

“No one cares more about protecting America’s youth than our wonderful First Lady. Now a movie star, a movie star. Who would have believed that?” ( No, but it is not hard to believe they are making money off his being president.)

“Starting last summer, I deployed our National Guard and federal law enforcement to restore law and order to our most dangerous cities...crime in Washington is now at the lowest level ever recorded, and murders in D.C. this January were down close to 100% from a year ago.” (More lies,  misinformation and fear mongering about crime rates.)

“...And when God needs a nation to work his miracles, he knows exactly who to ask...God bless  America.” (Ashamed of his “chosen people,” God recently moved to Canada.)

2026 Duluth State of the City Address

MC and Community Engagement Officer Jessica Harhar: Alright, let’s get this thing over with. Our first speaker is District 4 Councilman Clownow. Whaddya got, Clownow?

Clownow: My family has lived in Lincoln Park for half of my 26 years in the city. Like many, we faced the housing challenges of our city. While Tracy and I were combing the Twin Ports for a home, I recalled my time at CHUM helping postal workers with their annual food drives, at times gasping for oxygen …

Harhar: I’m gasping for oxygen, Clownow! Get to the point.

Clownow: I’m running to be the next mayor.

Harhar: I could tell. Do that on your own time! Next up is City Council President Lynn Lepew.

Lepew: We are facing significant challenges as a city. These are complex issues, but they’re also opportunities to shit – to shape Duluth’s future …

Audience: BWAH HA HA

Lepew: Hey, shut up! Y’all make bigger gaffes with your atrocious spelling and grammar. I’ve seen your Facebook pages.

Harhar: At least you don’t seem to be running for mayor, Ms. Lepew.

Lepew: I’m a real estate agent. I want to sell houses! Here’s my card, everyone! (Throws a boxload to the audience, which screams as sharp little cardboard rectangles rain down.)

Harhar: Ugh! Get off the stage! Finally, here’s Mayor Roger Ramjet. Better salvage this Titanic, Roger.

Ramjet: We got pretty much the same problems as last year. Get off my case, these things take time. So I just brought last year’s speech and penciled in a few edits. First I want to recognize a few key peers and partners …

Protester: Penis!

Harhar: Who said that? Quit clowning around!

Clownow: It wasn’t me!

Protester: It was me! I just wanted to get everyone’s attention. Sorry, now I forget what I was going to say.

Another protester: Siddown, junior. Mr. Mayor, you’re the most corrupt Mr. Mayor we’ve seen in years! You’re selling out Duluth! You’re supporting a dystopian surveillance state and you’re retaliating against whistleblowers in your police department! You hired Michelle Soldo to investigate that police department because she did a good job for you when you were investigated for your girlfriend doing your job …

Ramjet: OMG, why does everyone bring up my girlfriend? Sounds like you need to get one, buddy!

Harhar: Officer, get him outta here!

Protester (being shooed out the door): Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, I’m being repressed!

Ramjet: Bloody peasant! As I was saying, I want to thank the city staff who make these events possible. Now I’m going to embarrass her, but I want to say a special thanks to …

Harhar (covering face with hands): Don’t say my name, don’t say my name …

Ramjet: Jess Harhar.

Harhar: AAUGH!

Ramjet: Jess is the warm, soft and friendly to the more serious and business that I am …

Audience: EWWWWW

Ramjet: What was wrong with that?

Harhar: You make it sound like I’m your girlfriend, Roger! I’m not your girlfriend!

Ramjet: There it goes again, someone bringing up my girlfriend!

Yet another protester: I’m going to read a statement here –

Audience: NOOOOOO

Ramjet: Okay, we’re being tested by a growing lack of trust in institutions, the spread of misinformation and conspiracy theories and challenging behavior in our public spaces from both ends of the political spectrum …

Still another protester: FWA FWA FWA FWA FWA?

Harhar: The heck is that?

Protester: I was talking like Charlie Brown’s teacher to protest the fact that I don’t have a microphone and no one can understand what I’m saying anyway.

Ramjet: That’s it! On my command, unleash tear gas!

(Nothing happens)

Ramjet: That was the command, you idiots!

(Audience scatters as room fills with tear gas)

Harhar: The state of the city 2026, everyone! (Puts on a gas mask and makes a peace sign.) See you next year!

The Frog who would be king

By the Brothers Grin

Once upon a time, in the misty marshlands of Pondington, there lived an unusually large frog named Donald J. Trump.

Donald J. Trump the frog was not merely fat — he was monumentally, gloriously bloated, a green, wobbling mound of ambition perched on a lily pad he’d had painted gold and that bent dangerously under his weight.

His golden eyes bulged with self-importance, and he spent most days croaking loudly about how he deserved to be king of the entire pond.

“I have the best croak. Everyone says so,” he’d declare, puffing out his throat sac like an overinflated balloon. The other frogs would exchange glances but say nothing. It was easier that way.

While other frogs were content leaping from lily pad to lily pad, Donald J. Trump preferred to sit on the grandest leaf in the swamp — a wide, floating pad he had declared his “royal platform.” He believed he was destined for greatness.

“The swamp is failing,” he would declare dramatically, puffing out his throat. “Only I can fix it. I will be king frog.”

The other frogs were unsure what to make of him. Some found him amusing, others found him exhausting.

But Donald J. Trump was persistent. He built tiny twig banners, crowned himself with a discarded beetle shell and bloviated endlessly to dragonflies passing overhead that avoided his flicking tongue.

“I have the biggest lily pad. Tremendous. Everyone says so,” he would insist, even when no one had said anything at all.

Donald lived in the murkiest corner of the pond, where the water barely moved and algae clung thickly to the surface.

Still, he insisted it was the finest territory — “prime swamp real estate.”

He promised the smaller frogs that, once he was king, he would make the pond bigger and better, using something called clean coal. His fellow frogs had no idea what he was talking about.

“You’ll see,” he said. “Tremendous improvements. The best improvements.”

But Donald had no interest in improving anything. He snapped at dragonflies before anyone else could catch them, gulped down more than his share of flies, and chased off tadpoles who wandered too close.

Slowly, the pond grew quieter. The insects thinned out. The water stagnated further.

One day, the Elder Toad of Pondington called a meeting.

“There is no such thing as a king in the swamp,” the elder said. “We are all equal here.”

Donald J. Trump blinked slowly, considering this. For a moment, the marsh was silent. Then Donald declared, “You sound like a Marxist communist or even a Democrat,”

And so he remained on his lily pad, dreaming of crowns and kingdoms that did not exist, while the swamp carried on around him — indifferent, ancient and free.

Until one dry summer when the rains didn’t come.

The pond began to shrink.

Donald called bullshit..

“Fake drought,” he yelled.

But the lily pads curled, the reeds dried and the other frogs started leaving, hopping toward distant wetlands that still shimmered with life.

“Traitors!” Donald croaked after them. “You’ll regret leaving me — your king!”

But he wasn’t king. He never had been.

Soon, he was alone.

The pond shrank to a foul puddle, thick and hot. The insects were gone, not even a single buzzing cicada was left.

Funny, Donald thought in the stark, empty silence, I always thought I had tinnitus but it was just cicadas.

At first Donald tried to follow the others, but he was too heavy, too slow. Each jump fell short, landing him back into the same shrinking patch of mud.

Days passed. The sun burned overhead until, at last, the puddle dried to cracked earth, and Donald lay there, unmoving, his grand dreams of kingship evaporated along with the water he had taken for granted.

In the end, the pond didn’t need a king.

It needed care — and by the time Donald realized that, there was nothing left to rule.