News & Articles

Reinert’s girlfriend brings chainsaw to City Council
Roger Reinert’s girlfriend, Kathy Cargill, brought a chainsaw to a recent City Council meeting to show how she plans to slash the budget and terrorize members into doing the mayor’s bidding.
To illustrate the desired budget cuts, which Attila the Hun has described as “draconian,” Cargill sawed in half the Council’s meeting table, sending residents thronging for the exits and a few severed limbs into the air.
After a public spat in 2024, Reinert and Cargill began dating after being forced to spend 90 minutes together in a rom-com. Cargill now serves as the mayor’s unofficial strongman, telling reporters, “You can’t make an omelet without breaking some legs.” When asked if she meant “eggs,” she said, “No.”
Asked for comment, Reinert said, “It’ll have to be off the record, because I’m not authorized to speak for the administration.”

007 now licensed to kill “woke mobs”
Following the sale of the James Bond franchise to Jeff Bezos’ Amazon Prime, the secret agent will no longer be assigned to take down evil billionaires, but will now mostly target transgender athletes.
“This will be an adjustment,” admits 007. “After all, one billionaire tried to saw me in half with a laser, starting with my balls. Now they’re kept on Bezos’ desk, in one of those Newton’s Cradle thingies, where they bounce back and forth, along with those of his new Washington Post editorial staff.”
Perhaps to show his cockiness at no longer being pursued by the secret agent, Elon Musk plans to name his next rocket “Moonraker II,” which is scheduled to explode and cause travel disruptions sometime this fall.

Trump’s support among transgender mice remains strong
Despite having their funding cut by President Musk’s DOGE and their achievements mocked by Co-President Trump in his congressional address, support for the regime remains strong among MAGAt mice, or “MAG-Rats,” as they hate to be called.
“I mean, it sucks we’re out of work,” admits the red-hatted Pinky, smoking outside the building from which he pushed out. “We’ve tested countless hormone-therapy drugs so humans were safe, which we think is worth a couple million, especially when you consider that President Musk got $38 billion (billion, with a B), in government subsidies, and he kills roughly a dozen people a year with his Swasticars.”
Given those statistics, why does Pinky still support MAGA? “Well, the Democrats nominated a black chick, so, you know, come on.”

Dylan to be gender-swapped in new Dylan Cinematic Universe
Following the success of the Timothee Chalamet’s Bob Dylan biopic, A Complete Unknown, Searchlight Pictures has announced a series of Dylan films, although Dylan is no longer expected to be depicted as male, much like Chalamet himself.
“If there’s one wrong lesson we can take from Chalamet’s success, it’s that people want more leading sort-of-men, who come across as gender-fluid,” says production assistant Poddenma Peter. “But they also want boobs, so Dylan’s going to be a chick now. We’re thinking Halle Berry.”
The next film, Dylan II: Totally Known, is expected to start filming this summer with Josh Brolin reprising his role as Thanos. It’s also expected to feature Nicholas Cage, because apparently Hollywood has only three actors.

Stauber flees constituents, accidentally wins Beargrease
While running from angry voters affected by DOGE firings, Rep. Jim Stauber inadvertently won the Beargrease marathon, coming in at just over nine and a half hours.
Stauber has one of Minnesota’s busiest politicians, dodging phone calls, escaping town hall meetings, and refusing to accept emails. Despite this, Stauber still found time to vote for Medicaid funding cuts, impressing supporters and critics alike with his Aryan stamina.
“Outrunning the elderly and cancer patients was easy,” Stauber said of his victory. “It was the fired food inspectors and park rangers who made me really ramp up the speed, because those mofos eat a lot of  ‘woke’ foods like fruits and vetgetables. But I haven’t won every race by not knowing how to run from accountability.”

Don’t kill spiders, say 8-legged, beady-eyed monsters in lab coats
With spring in full swing, some hairy, multi-limbed naturists with huge mandibles and clipboards want to remind you that spiders are our friends, keeping nature in balance by eating unwanted pests, like mosquitoes, ants, and only rarely your pet poodle.
When encountering a spider in your basement, try not to think of that newly discovered “Big Boy” spider that could swallow your arm. Try not to think of its potentially fatal venom, its serrated fangs, or the black, soulless, globular eyes that invite you into the pits of Hell.
By the way, have you seen that video of the giant tarantula eating an opossum? No, seriously, look it up. And then remember that spiders are an important part of our ecosystem and ignore the thousands of years of evolution that make us scream in terror and kill these terrifying leviathans in a desperate act of self-preservation.
Oh, and don’t think about swallowing spiders in your sleep. It almost never happens, we’re pretty sure. Don’t go to bed wondering if you’ll accidentally inhale one of those spiders with the fat, bloated hindquarters, the kind that could clearly and fatally obstruct your epiglottis. It won’t happen. Probably. So relax.

Heartwarming: Deceased pen-pal’s letters answered by her murderer
Although Duluth resident Greg Murkey was disappointed to learn that his 22-year-long pen-pal relationship with Danish woman Frida Hensen had come to an end, he was touched when her murderer had taken time to write him back.
“Sad to hear that Frida’s husband poisoned her and threw her body into the Gudena River,” Murkey admits. “But he was moved by our friendship, even though he only opened her letters because he falsely suspected her of cheating.”
Murkey and the murderous Mr. Hensen have been corresponding ever since, with Hensen often describing Frida’s death throes in vibrant, colorful detail. “I like to hear about the discoloration of her face, the blueish tint to her oxygen-deprived body,” says Murkey. “It’s my way of keeping her memory with me.”

College roommate never needs to obey “don’t come knockin’” mandate
The roommate of Jared Sidarksi never worries about the “If the place is rockin’, don’t come knockin’” sign that Sidarski placed on their dormroom door, because Sidarski couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse with a fistful of twenties, according to the dean.
“The only time Sidarski saw a beaver in the wild was when he was ejected from the womb,” says interim dean Jennifer Brady. “His room is less rocking than his grandma’s sewing club. At least his grandma gets women in there. Probably gets more tail, too.”
Roommate Mark Denton agrees, saying, “It’s a wonder that he hasn’t been able to lure women in with his camo pants, his pipe collection, or his ‘let’s go Brandon’ collectibles. If that doesn’t proclaim, ‘I am not a douche,’ I don’t know what would.” 

Gen Z spurs decline in child-eating ministries
As interest in organized religion continues to decline nationwide, churches who preach the eating of schoolchildren are struggling to get younger converts into their blood-splattered pews.
“It’s getting harder to turn Gen Z to God,” said Pastor Zeke Heddabone, who preaches at the Evangelical Church of Child Consumption, an offshoot of Lutheranism. “People tell me it’s because, as youths, they witnessed their brethren being devoured by our congregants; but I blame video games and those pesky I-phones.”
Church leaders are trying new ways to appeal to Gen Z, with more dynamic music, colorful presentations, and allowing children to be eaten with cilantro.
“We’ve simply got to adapt to the times,” says Heddabone. “Whether that’s relaxing the church dress code or allowing child feasting to be done remotely, that’s entirely up to individual parishioners.”

Can of Worms update
Great news for the Northland! The stalled Can of Worms construction project is back on. Due to unforeseen circumstances, it will be put back into place exactly as it was before. Apparently, MN Dot Planner Billy-Bob Bottompants hadn't heard the idiom, “Don't open a can of worms."

Duluth, Greenland, what’s the diff?
Last week, President Trump's briefing via group chat to Vice President Vance, regarding his trip to Greenland, got leaked to the Reader Weekly. An excerpt reads:
Trump: “Listen, when you get there let them know that we have a really good deal, a great deal, a really good & great deal. Really. Tell prime minister Nielsen, in exchange for handing over Greenland, the great people, the wonderful people, will not only avoid getting nuked, there will also be an expansion of McDonald's.”
Unfortunately, due to a glitch with the DCA's navigation, Air Force Two landed at the Duluth International Airport. One spokesperson blamed the fact that “it is very difficult to differentiate one frozen tundra from another.” Trump is now demanding to acquire Duluth and make it part of the U.S., using military force if necessary.