Methuselah to challenge Joe Biden for youth vote

Although President Joe Biden is largely expected to face token opposition in the Democratic primaries, political pundits believe that the candidacy of Methuselah may draw away some younger voters who are looking for someone to represent their generation.

Methuselah believes he can upend Biden’s nomination with ideas that are a mere century old, telling the Reader, “How the hell do we still have a for-profit health care system and no wealth tax? Biden’s running on the same platform he ran on during the Bronze Age.”

“I think that, being closer to us in age, Methuselah is a youthful, fresh-faced alternative,” says Boogers R. Gross, head of the UMD chapter of Young Democrats. “Methuselah captures the young energy of JFK. And, coincidentally, both of them slept with Marilyn Monroe."

Stauber edits footage to look less like a fascist douche

Apparently taking a cue from Tucker Carlson, Rep. Pete Stauber released a still image of himself in hopes to convince voters that he’s not the pro-fascist, know-nothing dickface he demonstrably is.

The photo, showing Stauber handing a child an ice cream cone, was immediately labeled “bullshit” by the Associated Press, with analyst Neiner Neener noting, “The still photo is from video footage of Stauber taking the cone away from the crying child, whose foot the seditionist congressman is painfully standing on.”

Other media analysts have pointed to Stauber’s clearly visible Celtic Cross armband. “And just look at that douchey face,” says Neener. “It’s the kind of face that projects ‘no cancer care for veterans exposed to toxic burn pits’ and ‘I’m the kind of asshole to mock wearing masks during a pandemic.’ There’s not enough Photoshop in the world to cover that shit up.”

Sheriff Gordon Ramsay refuses to give up Hell’s Kitchen gig

Despite recently being elected St. Louis County Sheriff, Gordon Ramsay has announced no plans to reduce his role on the Los Angeles-based TV show Hell’s Kitchen.

Ramsay, who is the exact same person as the British chef but with Hollywood makeup to make his face look marginally less like MODOK’s butt cheeks, admits that his reduced presence in Duluth will no doubt be to the county’s benefit.

“I mean, I got progressives to vote for me and then lobbied Jeff Dotseth to vote against basic gun-control measures,” says Ramsay, taking time away from screaming into a young woman’s face about the proper way to glaze ham.

“I even made my constituents a sucker cake,” brags Ramsay, a confection that combines cake, candies and “the occasional inedible cardboard stick for them to drool on like the morons they are. Because apparently the voters are suckers for punishment.”

Reinert throws his shirt into the ring, promising a bare-bones campaign

Roger Reinert announced today that he’s confused about all the races he’s run in his life.

“My races for city council, state office and Most Musical have all blurred together,” said Reinert, while posing for another selfie. “This morning I couldn’t remember if I’m training for a triathlon, the Park Point 5-Miler or running for mayor. Frankly, I’m scared shirtless.”

Reminded that he’s truly running for Duluth mayor, Reinert slipped back into election mode like a sweaty foot into a well-worn Nike. “They don’t call it the campaign trail for nothing. A vote for me is a vote for Roger Reinert.”

Mayor Emily Larson fires her proofreader

Gender-reveal parties take incoming fire as balloon paranoia escalates

Following a spate of Chinese spy balloons entering U.S. air space, gender-reveal parties across the country have endured numerous F-22 air-to-air missile attacks as the Air Force cracks down on this insufferable yuppie trend.

"We had just spent a few grand setting up dozens of 24-inch Qualtex balloons, so we didn’t have to go through the inconvenience of writing a single social-media post, or making just one phone call to either of our mothers,” says daddy-to-be Pecker Hardagin, who lives, we’re guessing, in Anoka or Willmar or some other white-privileged rich-prick town polluted with “Blue Lives Matter” signs.

“And then,” Hardagin annoyingly continues, “someone shouts, ‘Incoming!’ and an instant later, my balloons, my shed, and my gazebo were wiped out. Oh, and maybe a quarter of my in-laws. I haven’t checked yet.”

It remains unclear how many of these cloying, Rihanna-blaring, jizz-jamborees were targeted because of the balloons, or because they were, as one Air Force pilot put it, “simply worth a global dose of fiery hell.”

Boebert and MTG call for committee to investigate why Sarah’s such a bitch

Mean-girl Republican congressmen Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Traitor Greene have asked Kevin McCarthy to form a committee to investigate a rival cheerleader, Sarah Ainso, especially focusing on how she could be dating that football-hottie Brad when everybody knows she doesn’t do mouth stuff.

“Like, OMG, Brad could totally do better,” whined Boebert, who somehow got re-elected to Congress despite spending all her time bitching about Twitter likes and instigating insurrections. “I heard that he was beating on some trans kid and she didn’t even join in.”

“I know, right?” chimed in Greene, who somehow looks like every mom that tried to lie her way back into high school. “When’s the last time you ever saw her chase down the survivor of a school shooting and berate him with asinine questions? We need to get to the bottom of this, before the lamestream media do more stories about my vile hate speech or the fact that I have a grapefruit for a head.”

New Beatles documentary 85 hours of Ringo napping

A new Disney+ documentary revealing the desperate need for streaming-platform content will feature the most talented Beatle, Ringo Starr, asleep on the couch during 1985-1991, the era that most critics agree produced the drummer’s greatest napping.

“He was at a low point in his drug and alcohol addictions, so there wasn’t a lot of musical activity to disturb his randomly passing out,” notes Beatle historian Every Sixties Music Fan Ever. “Now at last we get to see him as his unconscious best.”

The documentary has so far generated nothing but positive reviews from critics who have not sat through more than 22 minutes of the film. “Now if we can only get Yoko Ono to release the footage of John Lennon on the crapper,” says Ever, adding that the “John on the John” title was his idea before Peter Jackson floated it. So to speak.

Elon Musk temporarily suspends the Red Skull’s Twitter account

Twitter announced that it would be suspending the account of the Red Skull, a comically evil genocidal maniac, only for Musk to reinstate it hours later with an apology, because of course he did.

The Red Skull’s now-restored Tweet calls for “the rise of the Aryan race” by use of a cosmic weapon to vaporize minority groups, prompting predictable responses from the cancel-culture Left.

“You’d think Musk would see him as a potential rival,” observes Anti-Defamation League lawyer Blather Mouthful, “given that the Red Skull is also a wealthy fascist with an unnaturally colored face, as well as being—let me check my notes here—oh yes: a literal Nazi trained by Hitler himself to be the embodiment of Axis evil.”

A request for comment from the comic book villain (Red Skull, not Musk) was met with the usual screed about how he’s going to kill Captain America.

Newspapers preemptively drop “Lucifer for Congress” comic strip

Virtually every newspaper in the country has announced that it will not be publishing the comic strip “Lucifer for Congress,” even though they had never before expressed any plans to carry it in the first place.

“We never read it, never even saw it,” admits United Feature Syndicate. “But we took one look at the cartoonist’s picture and figured it was only a matter of time before he makes an inappropriate remark on some teenage girl’s Instagram account.”

“We definitely got burned on Scott Adams,” says Andrew McMeel Universal, referring to the “Dilbert” cartoonist whose blatant racism will no doubt find him a home on The Daily Caller or Breitbart News. “So there was no risk in dropping the ‘Lucifer’ strip, especially given that it’s only read by a couple other people in his AA meetings, and even then, it’s driven a few of them to drink again.”

Northern Lights are a scam

For those who stayed inside last week and stared at your phone or plasma TV while your friends on social media rushed out in droves to the dark areas on the edge of town and posted fantastic, spectacular, psychedelic photos of aurora borealis, oohing and aahing about what a once-in-a-lifetime, transcendent experience it was THAT YOU MISSED, worry not. 

The dirty truth is, auroras look way better in photos than they do in real life. Cameras pick up the colors but our eyes don’t. The cells in our eyes that detect light at night are lousy at detecting color, so auroras appear to us mostly in shades of gray. You might catch some pink or green but they mostly look like clouds and you see cooler clouds in the sky nearly every day. Anyone who sees auroras in vivid color is on drugs or has weird optic cones.

If you had gone out, you would have had to rouse yourself up from your comfy bed or couch and fight through the traffic of all the other aurora watchers on Jean Duluth Road, Hawk Ridge, Boulder Lake or Park Point. Once you find a parking spot and walk to a half-decent viewing spot, you watch for about three minutes before getting fidgety. Finally, around sixty cold, clammy minutes later, the transcendence kicks in. You have an epiphany: BRAGGING RIGHTS. You get to snap colorful pictures, post them on Facebook and make your friends who stayed inside day-glo green with envy. And soon you start to BELIEVE you were dancing under undulating cosmic rainbows and you become part of a mass delusional memory.

Really, you can have a more transcendent experience by staying home and streaming the 1953 black-and-white classic “Robot Monster” (like I did) and there’ll be about as much color. And you’ll spare the environment from extra carbon monoxide spewed by unnecessary driving.