News & Articles

New Two Harbors idea sounds a lot like Magic School Bus

Although ridiculed for his proposal for an underwater hotel, Mayor Chris Swanson has come forward with another Two Harbors tourist attraction: a shrinking bus that will drive down someone’s throat, explore their intestinal tract, and exit though the nasal cavity, an idea that seems to resemble a particularly disturbing episode of The Magic School Bus.

“We’re only in the early stages,” says Swanson on Twitter, because God forbid he should face actual questions, “and we haven’t yet mastered the shrinking technology. So far, we’ve just attempted to get the bus down an intern’s throat, but he swallowed only about half the coach section.”

Like that hotel crap, the bus is to receive financial assistance from a financier known only as “Mr. O,” whose identity was recently revealed to be actress Sandra Oh. Through a spokesman, Oh responded to the bus proposal by saying, “Hey, it’s no stupider an idea than Mulan II, and that thing actually got made!”

Sheriff candidates compete by slapfest

Taking a cue from the recent best-ever Oscar awards ceremony and to cash in on a rapidly growing sport, the three candidates for St. Louis County sheriff have agreed that no one wants to hear ho-hum speeches and debates. Instead they will go for a more action-oriented approach, a slap-off.

Former Duluth Police Chief Gordon Ramsay, St. Louis County Undersheriff Jason Lukovsky and Moose Lake Police Officer Chad Walsh will take turns rhymes-with-witch-slapping each other until their faces or their hands can’t take anymore, whatever comes first.

The contest will go by the same rules briefly outlined in the “Olympic slap face” episode of “The Office.” Gun nut Walsh has argued for the right to pack a Glock for the event, but as his opponents pointed out, the “right to bear arms” in this case refers to actual arms. Punching, kicking, wrestling, hugging and kissing, wet willies and melvins are officially off-limits, but no contest is fun if a few rules aren’t broken.

Current Sheriff Ross Litman will be the referee. The stone-faced lawman said, “I ought to win the Oscar myself if I can keep from guffawing.”

As of press time, dozens of St. Louis County residents with enormous hands are filing to run for sheriff just so they can join the contest.

Redistricting shifts Stauber from fascist to just authoritarian

Because of changes to the 8th district that bring in more minority voters, Pete Stauber has decided to appeal to swing voters by running less as a fascist and more as an authoritarian.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Stauber to one of those private functions where he thinks the audio won’t leak out for some reason, because apparently in his universe, recording devices don’t exist. “I’m still anti-democratic and will continue to contest any election where a Republican doesn’t win, even if the Democrat wins on the same ballot that I won on.”

As promised, Stauber has assured low-information voters that his approval of the fascist wing of the party “will have to be reduced to a wink-wink, nudge-nudge, you-know-what-I-mean kind of thing.” Stauber is clearly betting on voters being as stupid as he is, a strategy that, according to the Cook Political Report, gives him an eight-point advantage.

Damn it, Biden left his pen in Superior

Oh, goddamn it, Biden left his pen behind when he signed autographs during his visit to Superior last month. No, no, it’s not worth sending it back, but damn, that was a good pen. Given to him by an Amtrak union leader back in Scranton, what’s his name? Ol’ Jimmy John. That’s it. Jimmy John gave him that pen, and now it’s probably in some plebeian’s dirty, grimy hands. What a bunch of malarkey.

Maybe he’d get it back if he returned to Superior, but holy hell, god, no, jesus. The thing probably smells like cheese and cheap tobacco now. If you find it, you might as well give it to Joe Manchin, because he already took the president’s lunch.

Christ, you know what else he forgot to do? He forgot to insult someone. Didn’t call a woman a “dog-face” or a reporter a “dumb son of a bitch.” Could’ve at least sniffed a wee lassie’s hair. But that’s the way the cookie crumbles, Jack. God loves ya.

Aerial Bridge to be polka-dotted for  pothole awareness

Duluth Mayor Emily Larson announced that the Aerial Bridge would be lit with polka dots to bring more awareness to the city’s pothole problems, as if your broken axles and worn shocks weren’t constantly reminding you.

“It’s all part of our petty-grievance month,” said Larson, which would allow citizens to light up the bridge every day of the month. “First it will be polka-dotted for potholes, then it’ll be colored atroviens to bring awareness to cabbage shortages, sarcoline for white privilege, wenge for Starbucks coffee cups that with misspelled names, and smaragdine for fart smells that won’t leave your car, because at that point, we’ll have run out of colors.”

When asked if perhaps this was the best use of taxpayer dollars, Larson just grumbled something about lighting the bridge celadon for “butthole reporters who won’t get off my lawn.”

Stunning coincidence: Hemp advocate just happens to be stoner

Chester Park resident Heddy Potts, 24, has long been an outspoken advocate for the industrialized use of hemp. In a stunning turn of events that left many Duluthians’ heads spinning, it was revealed that Potts also smokes a buttload of weed.

“He’d never shut up about making all these common household items out of hemp,” says his shocked neighbor, Telly Abortet. “How could I suspect that he was also a pothead? Aside from all the billows of pot smoke and the fact that he smelt like a head shop. But why would I suspect he was a stoner? What are the odds?!”

“I can tell you the odds,” says local statistician and smarty-pants Justin Lemmehaviswon. “It’s about 1,000,006 to one. It’s obviously very rare that a person who partakes in hemp that has more than 0.3% THC would simultaneously push for hemp’s ubiquitous use in society.”

Despite those odds, the fact that Potts argues for hemp to be used in the construction of buildings, trains, and trees shows that he has smoked, like, several tons of that stuff.

Gas prices nation’s biggest threat, says sick, homeless Republican

Despite having no health insurance for his COVID treatments, which left him deeply in debt and homeless, former Denfeld resident Dave Daveman manages to get up every day from the Canal Park bench he slept on to bitch about gas prices.

“If I still had my sense of taste, Biden would leave a bad taste in my mouth,” Daveman insists. “Gas prices are sky-high, as I can see every time I use a gas station’s men’s room to bathe myself. Mind you, I had to sell my truck back in 2020 for some black-market toilet paper.”

Daveman says he remains optimistic that Trump will return to office and “make M&M’s sexy again. I swear, it’s all I can do to pluck them off the ground and eat them for basic sustenance. Let’s go, Brandon!”

Putin to reclaim Black Widow

Continuing his efforts to restore Russia to its former Soviet glory, Vladimir Putin announced that he wants to reinstate Natasha Romanov, a.k.a. The Black Widow, to the Kremlin, according to sources who spoke on the condition that their families be spared.

“Putin likes to brag that Black Widow began as a Russian spy, pumping Hawkeye for secrets against Iron Man’s boss, Tony Stark,” recalls former Russian ambassador Michael McFaul. “It’s not surprising that Putin wants her back, given that she once held her own against Spider-Man when he had the flu.” That’s true, we looked it up.

It’s unclear how Putin intends to recruit Romanov, given that she’s spent much of the last 55 years in service to either SHIELD or the Avengers. But this will not deter Putin, says McFaul: “In Putin’s Russia, asshole f--ks YOU!”

Study: ‘Male Karens’ are definitely Daves

The term “Karen” has recently become popular to describe nagging, white-privileged harpies, but labeling the “male Karen” has become mired in controversy, until U of MN released its study showing that such Karens are actually Daves.

“It’s over, they’re Daves now,” insists Horton Rubbernecker, sociology professor and milk-carton enthusiast, although only the first half of that is relevant here. “If you see a guy complaining about wearing a mask in a store, or that he didn’t have enough time to read the menu before being asked for his order, his name is Dave. I don’t care what his driver’s license says. That’s a Dave. And if they deny it, just say, ‘Stop being such a Dave, Dave.’”

The study clearly gives the public the green light to bully anyone named Dave. “Especially if it’s Dave Johnson, 907 Acre Ave, Adolph, MN, 55701,” says Rubbernecker. “You know, the kind of guy who leaves his dog shit in my yard even after I politely called him a douchebag for doing it.

‘Free cat to good home’ ad clearly placed by your cat

An ad in The Reader classifieds seeking a new home for a cat was clearly placed by your cat Toby, based on public information in the ad, like your home address and phone number. Also, “the” was always spelled “teh,” which is a simply adorable thing that cats do.

“It’s not that I don’t love my human,” says Toby, “I don’t even respect my human. The final straw came when he patted my belly a second too long, and he got all pissy when I bit a chunk of flesh out of his hand.”

Toby is seeking an owner who is “a bit quicker on the draw with the food delivery,” and who “understands that the carpet is the perfect place for vomit, as it is soft and soaks up the bile more readily.”

Spam found to be link to the ‘quintessence’

Researchers have confirmed that the much-maligned canned pork product from Hormel of Austin, Minn., is positively good for you.

Despite the highly processed pink product containing a plethora of preservatives and being very high in fat, calories, sodium and low in protein, vitamins and minerals, researchers at the National Institute of Highly Processed Meat say there is something about the shape of Spam that attracts and captures potent energies of the universe.

“Spam acts much like our pyramids as receptors of dark energy from beyond our world,” said Dr. Pastor Zoraster. “Think about it – Spam is a four-sided pyramid with the top cut off where two of the sides are wider than the other two. Is there a name for this shape? No, but I suggest Spamoid.”

Dr. Zoraster explained “dark energy” as a new kind of dynamical energy fluid or field, something that fills all of space with what he calls the “quintessence.”

“After the fifth element of the Greek philosophers,” Zoraster said. “But, if quintessence is the answer, we still don’t know what it is like, what it interacts with or why it exists. So the mystery continues.”

Dr. Zoraster added that it is essential that you do not eat the Spam.

“Just having the can in your home should attract the quintessence to it,” he said.

Wearing masks leads to fascism, internet says

Those of us who are bold enough to search for whatever we can find on the internet that totally confirms what we want to believe say those who listen to medical establishment’s mask recommendations are sheeple. Your coworker who took high school biology 40 years ago knows far more than those who have been studying epidemonology for only two or three decades.

The powers-that-be behind the banning of the respected online documentary “Birdemic” are obviously afraid of something that will expose them for planning something evil. Tyrannical corporate forces, starting with Google and YouTube and the CDC and Big Pharma and the M&M have kicked into high gear before any more of the sheeple are allowed a chance to view some unwelcome truths that are considered dangerous to the powers-that-be.

Seeing masked people driving alone is a vision of human tragedy. Possibly they already know they don’t need to wear masks alone and they were just comfortable enough that they forgot they had them on and possibly those of us who stare into other people’s cars should wonder if we’re kind of creepy. Better a creeple than a sheeple!

Death on a mass scale from COVID didn’t occur. Only 977,000 died in the U.S. and a mere 6 million worldwide. Those figures are obviously exaggerated because the part of the internet we want to believe said so. It’s nowhere near as much a tragedy as the trillions of people wearing masks alone in cars. Do your research! Go to infowarts.com for a true opinion.

Facebook debate remains civil, stays on topic

In a turn of recent events, the Internet is amazed as a revolutionary model of civil debate emerges from Duluth. Two Duluthians, who wish to stay unnamed, carried out a lengthy debate about their differences in opinions last Monday, and despite all odds, they managed to stay on topic and remain civil.

The Internet is shocked. This is unheard of.

“I was blown away, I didn’t know it was possible,” said local internet-troll enthusiast only known by the username ‘H8erSk8er218’.

H8erSk8er218 went on to say, “They managed to build a model for mature educational debate, without stooping to name calling, or personal attacks. This is the death of everything I love.”

Though the internet-trolls will be sad, others find it wonderful.

One local woman said, “It’s so nice to be able to discuss our differences in opinions online without everyone just spewing hate from behind their keyboards. I hope this new model spreads everywhere.” Yeah, we’ll believe it when we see it, lady.

On again, off again