News & Articles

With the fence for the former St. James mine at the N side of my house, I’m in a good position to keep an eye out for the various notices that get posted. Most are the usual Keep Out, Danger, Not a Public Road sort of thing. But seeing we have many different levels of public concern this year I selected those or particular interest.

NOTICE: Effective 2021, the Chorus Dolorosa of Not My President coming from one side of the pit will be expanded by addition of the Beaten Brass Ensemble playing Hail to the Thief. Use of ear protection is advised.

FROM OFFICE OF HEALTHY LIVING: Skating on the pit in summer is strictly prohibited. All violators will be severely lectured and have their skates confiscated until December. Stay Safe!

OFFICIAL NOTICE: Further disposal of opponents’ bodies in the pit is forbidden for sanitary reasons. Please Note the buoy at the NE pit corner marks the deepest part of the pit where you are advised not to sink any more bodies. This is the fifth final notice.

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: With address verified, dead voter registration is to be done by proxy only and is valid through the entire period of death. Early registration is encouraged. The same procedure is used to file dead candidates for office.

PUBLIC NOTICE: This mine, formerly Colonial Steel, is wholly owned by Global Enterprises International with offices in the mid-Pacific. Global is committed to making the best decisions for you on its behalf. Call your ambassador for information on how to reach Global for news and special offers. Remember to select which dialect to use. – Your Friends on the Global Team!

CAUTION: Pit 17 and only pit 17 is to be used for underwater stockpiling of unwanted diplomas, useless degrees, training certificates, and other proofs of additional learning done to keep workers occupied while their jobs were being sold. Dispersal of these certificates and degrees in other places is highly polluting and will not be tolerated. For further health and safety information contact your friends at Global.

HEALTH ADVISORY: Use of this pit for recreation is forbidden as being unfair to those without access to such opportunity. All watercraft (boats, canoes, inner tubes, & etc.) are banned until everyone has equal opportunity to share them. Fishing for personal consumption will not be tolerated. Sightseeing is discouraged though healthy hiking done blindfolded will be allowed under special permit from the Wellness Patrol open five days a week in the capital. Stay Safe!

NO DUMPING: This rule is absolute unless ignored by the Agency in charge of secret dumping.

DANGER: These fences are here to protect you. Steep slopes represent a severe fall danger. You could be injured or killed. Respect the fence as it respects you. Anyone injured here is subject to sever fines and possible imprisonment. Be Warned! (This fence is not at a border and is therefore 100% effective and appropriate.)

NO HUNTING: Discharge of a firearm over water is illegal. Shooting any gun over land is forbidden. Firing weapons into the air is recklessly antisocial and punishable by legal action. Raids, confiscations, and public flogging will continue until all citizens understand coercion and violence never pay. (These regulations subject to review, amendment, and enforcement by your local Committee of Peace and Reconciliation.

NO SWIMMING: Until further notice the pollution caused and potential for disease transmission closes these waters to all forms of wading, swimming, snorkeling, scuba, and etc. No lifeguards are provided. Drowning is at your own risk. Play Safe! Wear a mask!

AREA CLOSED: This safe parking area with proper vehicle distancing is no longer approved. Do not park here. Underage drinking is no longer sanctioned here. Recreational drug use has been moved to under the old bridge. Recreational steroids are banned from all sports and gym facilities. Please observe the new schedules for these activities as posted at selected location. The Department of Drugs and Recreation is here to serve your needs. (Working remotely until further notice.)

DO NOT ENTER: This public facility is closed to the public until the current emergency is over. We are here to serve you by appointment. Use the phone numbers posted outside.

NEW PROCEDURE: These mine pits have long been suitable places for abandoning promises not kept, vows and pledges ignored, and dire warnings and predictions along with baseless speculations and curious theories. Election years cause a peak storage demand that exceeds capacity. Only the stupidest of political plans can now be accommodated here. Suitable homes should be found for all other pet ideas and fond desires.

FINAL WARNING: As members of a free and open society this is your last warning that skinny dipping in the pit at midnight on moonless nights will not protect you. We know who you are and have full surveillance video to use in court to protect your freedom. No infraction is minor unless we choose to ignore it. This is the FINAL WARNING! (Your friends on the Global Team.)

CLOSED: Due to its long history of use and popularity this overlook is closed. Find another place to view the sunset. Signed: Your Recreation Department. Stay Safe!

PUBLIC NOTICE: Do not dispose of unwanted cats, dogs, and other pets in this pit. We need the space for political opponents. Peace and Reconciliation Committee for the Greater Good.