LIBRA: Sept. 23

Zodiac sign of Libra from The Hunterian Psalter, an English illuminated manuscript of the 12th century. Image: University of Glasgow Library.

ELEMENT: Air. Libra Air never shuts up. Here’s how it goes: They discuss and you listen. The droning is insufferable, yet you are somehow charmed by them….go figure.

QUALITY: Cardinal sign. Libra is a backstabber, belittler, and bimbo.

SYMBOL: The Scales. So…they are out of sync, and usually off balance.
Another attribute would be that sexually they play on both teams.

RULER: Venus. The Goddess of Joan Rivers and mirrors on the ceiling.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Smirking

DREAM JOB: Playing the Devil’s advocate

KEY PHRASE: “On the other hand ... ”

Libra’s symbol, the Scales, represents life’s continual balancing act. Libra lives in the Seventh House of Partnerships. If I were to sugar-coat my astrology, I would say that Librans are harmonious, impartial, diplomatic peacemakers who seek out the truth, find the beauty within, and pursue the perfect mate. BUT…..the truth is slighter different. Beneath their sickeningly fake smile lives a selfish, self-indulgent, indecisive money grubbing ass who has the personality of a bale of hay.

Libra is ruled by ass-kicker bad-girl goddess, VENUS. She is also the planetary goddess of Taurus, and in that sign she bestows a greedy nature that lustfully craves possessions. In Libra, she bestows an endless hunger for perfection….creating a climate of never being satisfied. Consequently, the Libran is never satisfied with either themselves ... or you. If you contradict them, or heaven forbid ... have your own opinion, they will pout or sulk, or go drinking, or f--k your best friend. You will have to eventually try to win back their favor, that is if you can hold your nose long enough.

Because ... the Libran’s idea of peace and harmony is your total agreement with their philosophy of the moment.

If you had a major brain fart, and for some un-Godly reason decided to argue with a Libra, you would be met with a sudden explosion of rage. If you managed to prove your point, the shiftless, wishy-washy, milk-toasty side of their nature comes to the forefront. So…you get a tepid nod of agreement (all very reluctantly, of course) and silently, they are planning the removal of your genitalia….never forgiving you for being right.

Oscar Wilde, famous Libran was quoted as saying: “I can resist anything ... except temptation.” Thus succinctly summing up the Libran male.

He is funny, charismatic, and just oozes the charm. He is well dressed, with his own unique sense of style. He is the kind that will take you to HIS favorite restaurant to propose to you, drop to one knee (your heart is all aflutter) and while he is slipping the engagement ring on your finger, he is checking out the waitress’s ass, or the rack on the chick at the next table. Can we say, NEXT ...

A Libra man is perfectly capable of marrying you on Saturday, and starting his next string of affairs on Sunday. He is fickle, inconsistent, and constantly on the prowl. He is as flaky as a used car salesman sniffing out his next sucker deal.

He is also extremely shallow. If you have spent the night with him…the future to him is defined as until tomorrow morning, when he forgets your name even before he can finish flossing his dazzling white teeth, and tactfully telling you the stink in the bathroom has to be yours.

Your Libran man wants a Barbie doll who can cook, clean, and entertain his endless procession of casual friends, most of which are gay…curious.

He does NOT want a real woman who will snap him out of his escapist daydreaming into the world of house payments and crying kids….these things are not supposed to happen to him in his fabricated world of big boobs and anal sex on the kitchen table.
He is also self-obsessed. Libra Timothy Leary used all of his formidable intelligence and personal magnetism to force the world to agree that his endless quest for a bigger high was actually the key to brave new worlds. When faced with the inevitable opposition, Leary reacted in typical Libra fashion. He devised an entire thought system to detract from his self-indulgence. In his mind, the rest of the world made a terrible error in judgment by not embracing his philosophy. And the issue was more important to his Libra soul than proving that the path to God was sprinkled with LSD and magic mushrooms.

At his worst then, the Libra is king of the lounge lizards. The seventies should be renamed the Decade of the Libra Man. The well seasoned older Libra probably still has his old, blue polyester leisure suit, gold chains, pinkie rings, and his original bottle of Hai Karate cologne. The modern versions of these guys are clad in leather vests over bare chests…strutting like peacocks down the middle of the dance floor during the band’s break, hoping every eye is turned in their direction.

The Libra woman is the sweetheart of the zodiac. She is discriminating, thoughtful, romantic, and fair minded. Lovely Libra’s main objective is harmony and a meaningful relationship. She is warm, sensual, and feminine, and you will have to compete with several other ardent suitors for her delicate hand. If you are lucky, someone else will win it.

If you thought Snow White’s wicked stepmother was vain, jealous, and in love with her mirror, you’ve never fought a female Libra for a spot in the bathroom.
A Libra female wields her credit card like a lethal weapon. She never weighs the pros and cons of anything ... just getting her next nail job, or hair appointment. I wouldn’t call her stupid, but logical thoughts can’t make it through her hair spray to her brain. By the time she is sixty, she will have botoxed herself into oblivion, and had more work done than Dolly. She will literally be silicone from the ankles up.

She will either live like a monk, sleeping on a grass mat, and crystals hanging everywhere with a statue of Buddha in the window, or ... have so much crap that her home looks like a museum ... crammed from floor to ceiling with every garish piece of “art” she can drag home. Either one of these “don’ts” will not hesitate a bit to tell you that you need a different shade of toilet paper in the bathroom, or your salt shakers don’t match the kitchen.

The Libra female craves attention, and is usually cheating on whomever she is with ... currently. These are the women who are teachers screwing the 14 year old boys in their classrooms, or engaged to a relative (well, maybe that’s just Alabama) ... or ... writing to a serial killer in prison. Their only criteria is that you are “hot” and know how to dance.

If you offer her a cup of coffee, she’ll think you are after her for a date.
Older Libran women actually believe their doctors are secretly in love with them.
If you take her on a date, she will start ordering the wedding invitations. I’m NOT kidding here. If you decide to marry her, you will have a warm, sensitive affectionate lover ... for about a week. Then you will be presented with her RULES.

They are endless and pointless, and involve the usual toothpaste caps and toilet seats, and not touching her shit and not talking to her friends and finally ... she will critique your sexual performance. Be brave ... it won’t be pretty. She will discuss your odor, your endurance, your timing ... *sigh*

When you have finally decided that you have to survive, and you decide to leave your Libran woman, she will cling to you long after you’ve moved out. She will need to know from her “spies” that you are the one suffering and in agony….be ready for a late night phone call or text, as she is in need of a “quickie”. If you are foolish enough to fall for this ... you deserve what you get ... I can’t help you. If you seriously expect any tenderness or rationale, forget it. By the time you are dressed and get back to your place, she is calling your best friend for “benefits”.

On the positive side:

The ability to bring together opposites that would otherwise be in conflict with each other is what the Libran is marvelous at. They are wonderful intermediaries, precisely because they are able to see both sides of a situation.

GOOD DAYS: Oct. 11, 12, 13.

DIFFICULT DAYS: Sept. 27, 28, 29.

Lady Ocalat is a Professional Astrologist, Reiki Master, Minister, Paranormal Investigator, and Tarot Reader.She can be reached at 218-722-2240 or at Lady Ocalat’s Emporium in downtown Duluth.

www.ladyocalat.com

www.ladyoparanormal.com