News of the Business As Usual

Northland Enquirer April Fools Parody Issue

Phil Anderson

If you think News of the Weird is wacky, check out these stories from News of the Business as Usual.

Wisconsin Supreme Court opens first “ATM for Justice”

The Wisconsin Supreme Court is moving into the 21st century with automated court rulings. The new program will utilize state-of-the-art ATM type machines. The “ATM for Justice” machines will be much more efficient and deliver case decisions immediately.

Justice Daniel Kelly says the automated machines will totally eliminate any chance that a liberal justice might “legislate from the bench.” The new technology works because the Supreme Court’s conservative majority has predetermined every case based on their “judicial philosophy.” No inefficient, time consuming arguing of the facts of the case are necessary.

Plaintiffs simply enter their campaign contribution, select general topic (screwing workers, keeping women in their place, protecting the freedom of multinational corporations, etc.) and select the desired ruling. The ATM prints a tax deductible receipt and the case decision.

Justice Kelly praised the system for returning the court to the “original intent of the Founding Fathers – making money.”

Pentagon announces creation of National Strategic Waste Reserve

The Pentagon can not spend all the money Congress has appropriated in recent years. With total national security spending soaring past $1.25 trillion for FY 2021, they just can’t keep up.

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Staff, General Mark Milley says war planners are working overtime to manufacture enemies and create new wars, but the avalanche of new money is just too big to handle. He says, “All the armed services are doing their patriotic best to spend more. The F-35 fighter – which doesn’t work as well as the older F-16 – is wasting $1.5 trillion. The $7.8 billion Zumwalt class destroyer is running six years late and the main gun weapon system doesn’t even work.”

The Pentagon has thrown trillions into the sand of the Middle East but just can’t spend enough. With 800 bases in 143 countries, DOD has run out of countries to build new military bases. Creating the Africa and Space commands isn’t enough to solve the problem.

General Milley says the solution is to store waste for future lean times. “At some point people may get a clue and cut off the endless flow of money. This could be disastrous for the war economy.” The National Strategic Waste Reserve will ensure future wasteful spending and protect our American way of life.

Republicans introduce legislation to eliminate elections

Republicans introduced legislation this week to eliminate “inefficient” democratic elections. For years Republicans have discouraged people from voting with voter ID laws, purging of voter registration lists, gerrymandering, and denying felons the right to vote. Republicans have opposed limiting campaign contributions and made political campaigns as ugly as possible to turn off potential voters. So the new proposal is simply taking election fraud and manipulation to its logical conclusion.

Recent research shows politicians don’t pay any attention to the opinions of voters anyway. If they did, the country would look radically different – marijuana would be legal, campaign contributions tightly regulated, everyone would have good healthcare, college would be free, and all guns would be sensibly controlled.

Professors Martin Gilens from Princeton and Benjamin Page of Northwestern posed the question, “Who Really Rules in America?” Their conclusions were,

“When the preferences of economic elites and … organized interest groups are controlled for, the preferences of the average American appear to have only a minuscule, near-zero, statistically non-significant impact upon public policy ... the majority does not rule.” (From a real study – not satire.)

Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) said, “Voting is just a hassle for people and costs too much. Besides people are really dumb and if allowed to vote would make the wrong choices. What is good for big corporations is good for America!”

Good Samaritan accused of being a socialist

A recent Facebook video tells the story of Lena Q. Publicsky who got COVID-19 but didn’t have health insurance. She turned to Go Fund Me for help. The Southern Baptist televangelist told her, “God helps those who help themselves.” The hospital CEO wouldn’t help. He had to serve stockholders. Tom Tiffany, Republican candidate for Wisconsin’s 7th Congressional District, said, “Competition and the free market would lower costs so everyone could afford to go to the doctor.” (This is really on his web site). So Lena’s fund raising didn’t work well.

But Tricia Zunker, the Democratic candidate, did try to help. She proposed having single-payer, universal health insurance so this wouldn’t happen again. She said, “No one should die because they can’t afford to go to the doctor; people should not go bankrupt because they can’t afford their medication. We need to ensure everyone has access to quality, affordable health care.” (A real statement).

Tom Tiffany attacked this good Samaritan approach as “socialism.” As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to grow and meltdown the economy, Tiffany says he will continue “to protect Wisconsin families from the greatest danger we face – creeping socialism!”

Trump orders end to pandemic

President Trump issued an executive order today officially ending the pandemic. The COVID-19 pandemic will end on Easter Sunday, April 12, 2020 at 12:01 a.m. “America will again — and soon — be open for business,” Trump said in the news conference.
“Our country wasn’t built to be shut down,” Trump said. “We cannot let the cure be worse than the problem itself.”

Trump brushed off concerns about people dying from the virus. “It’s time,” he said, “People want to get back to work.” (All quotes are actual statements.)

Gullibility Index hits record high

For 244 straight years the American Gullibility Index has gone up. Since the election of Donald Trump in 2016, the index hit record highs soaring to 25,017 in early 2020. Started by Benjamin Franklin in 1776, the index measures the susceptibility of American citizens to religious claptrap, marketing hype, consumer scams, political manipulation, and similar cons.

Dr. Bo Vine Schitt, current director of the Index say, “As we all know is that it is easier to believe than to think. Americans are particularly susceptible to believing lies, conspiracy theories, and fake news of all kinds.”

Professor Kurt Andersen, author of “Fantasyland: How America Went Haywire,” (a real book) says, “Fantasy is deeply embedded in our national psyche.”

His book reviews 500 years of American delusional behavior. The country was founded by religious nut jobs and get-rich-quick schemers and has had many true believers, hucksters, and suckers. So what’s happening in our country today – the post-factual, “fake news” and shameless lies – is nothing new. Anderson writes, [Only in America does]” science and reason remain undocumented immigrants, so to speak, tolerated but not embraced.”