Personal transformations now available at Camp Shack

Forrest Johnson

Don’t tell Lake County, but with the recent doubling of fees for hunting camp leases, we had to “take in laundry” so to speak.
Somewhere in the year-to-year lease arrangement are some rules that prohibit leaseholders from earning any income off the property. That means no storage of spent nuclear fuel rods, no chair rentals to traveling dentists, no bootlegging, no secret government interrogation sites, no ball-bearing manufacturing plants or steel mills.

But there doesn’t appear to be anything in the rules about earning a living by metaphysical means.
We’ve hung out our shingle at the end of the trail, miles from the nearest road.
It says, “Have Your Personal Transformation At The Shack.”
We just can’t wait to get our hands on Donald V. (for vengeance) Rumpt and the rest of the New Conservative Neanderthal Party (NCNP) nincompoops who really are in need of a transformation of some sort, any sort. That potential client list is endless. 
In the Great Room at Shack Hall clients can tune into the universe all on their own, with no prodding, cajoling, or high pressure tactics from any of our highly trained staff of provocateers who are on hand to see that your transformation goes as smoothly as possible. Stop by the phone booth on the trail into the shack and please call ahead for an appointment.

We tested our process out on two willing subjects, our friends the Frankensledders, and it was an immediate success. After connecting the dots in the vast empty spaces in their heads, Frankensledder One drove off as that sporty Lamborghini he’d obviously always wanted to be, while Frankensledder Two tap danced his way down the trail like Fred Astaire in “Easter Parade”. We only hope his wife recognizes him when he gets home and is willing to dance, dance, dance.

Personal transformations are a healthy way of reinventing yourself. We use no chemicals or stray voltage in the transformation process. Swamis from truck stops all over the East Coast were consulted for the appropriate mental discourse. Dieticians from Shack Memorial Holistic Hospital created an extensive menu including canned peas, mashed potatoes and the finest simulated meats in copious amounts to help realign the dining genes and create balance between body and soul.

Trained technicians work throughout the night to rid the patient of free radicals and spare isotopes that can slow or confuse the transformation. 
Once the perfect wavelength is reached, there will be a slight hum in the room as the patient comes into contact with the eternal song of the universe. Depending on the patient, that hum may grow into a do-wop, a be-bop, a hip-hop, a lama-bama-ding-dong.
As the comet of consciousness roars freely through the mind of the client, a host of free associatives occur. This torrent is to be expected as the jaded past is rinsed briskly away....

...White bread is unstable...The master of ignition is sleeping...This has been a production of the Hemsdale Leisure Corporation...The Omnivore’s Dilemma by Michael Pollan...Einstein made wine in his basement...What ever you do, don’t mix rum with grape juice...Don’t use a child to help sell your religion...Ernest Tubbs singing in the dark night from across the lake...Men fell off their chairs when Lavender Hump shook her hips...The Sons of Secondary Fermentation Color Guard need you...Please call Arnie Hogan for a tee time...The end and reward of toil is rest...

Perhaps you’ve dreamed of being a cosmonaut but you just weren’t Soviet enough? A ventriloquist? Benevolent dictator?
Now’s the chance to find the real you in the grand scheme of things.
There is no small print in our agreement, everything is right up front.
Levitation is possible at some time during the transformation but not necessary.
No waiver is needed. You only pay for the number of pounds (or kilograms) of transformation that are achieved. Our scales are tested by the U.S. Standard of Weights and Measures. Payment in full is expected at the time of the transformation. We will assist you back to your vehicle. Arrangements can be made to care for your family, pets and houseplants while you’re away.

“Have Your Personal Transformation At The Shack.”
We just can’t wait to get our hands on Donald V. (for vengeance) Rumpt and the rest of our valued NCNP clients. Boy, do they need a bunch of personal transformations, and fast, if the republic is to be saved. Coupons and gift cards are available on request. 
The personal transformation process is a wholly-owned trademark of the National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA).