NUFA probe finds Rumpt “extremely unfriendly”

Forrest Johnson

The Mueller report is in and while we have few details at this point about the substance of the 22-month investigation, we do know that he found little evidence of conspiracy between the Rumpt campaign and the Russian government. 

What’s lost somewhere in the report are the known facts of at least 100 contacts between Russian nationals and WikiLeaks with Rumpt, campaign staff and top advisors over the past three years. But that’s neither here nor there. Russian government, Russian nationals who have connections to the Russian government but aren’t the Russian government. Whatever. It doesn’t matter to Rumpt’s base and the enabling New Conservative Neanderthal Party, formerly known as the Republicans. Let the right wing Blab-o-Sphere blab away. Karma gonna get this president, gonna get you for believing in him and dragging us down this path. Karma gonna get you.

Still, Mueller did write, “While this report does not conclude that the president committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him.”  

We’ll see much of the report at some time in the future and can then make our fair judgements.

In the meantime, the National Union of Friendly Americans (NUFA) Report has also been released to great fanfare and its conclusion is simple and direct: President Donald V. Rumpt is not friendly… at all. Ever. Never has been, never will be.

Based on voluminous evidence gathered over a lifetime of con man activities and personal appearances, Rumpt has been found not friendly, not amiable, not neighborly, not sociable, civil, affectionate, attentive, agreeable, accommodating, pleasant, cordial and definitely not congenial.

He may simply be one of the least friendly people in the history of mankind.

Of course all that matters little to a man who spends his executive time in the Oval Office putting golf balls into a cup. And we all know his middle name is Vengeance. So we’re sure NUFA will be on the receiving end of a tweet storm after we send the findings of the report to the White House.

Be that as it may, the NUFA report found that in addition to all the aforementioned habits of Rumpt’s unfriendliness, he is also extremely unfriendly to the environment, immigrants, people of color, the homeless, allies, health care, the planet in general, people in general, dogs and small children in general, any type of loan that needs to be paid back in general, education in general, any thought of a renewable future in general.

The list of what he was unfriendly to was nearly infinite.

In very specific terms the report saw that his efforts to build a wall and militarize the border were rated “extremely unfriendly, to the point of madness.” It was “very unfriendly” to use hush money in the weeks before the 2016 election to keep his sexual encounters with playmates and prostitutes hidden and then lie about it to the American people. Demonizing immigrants and locking up their children was rated “liar, liar, pants on fire unfriendly” in the report. Ignoring climate change was rated “just plain stupid unfriendly” by NUFA investigators. Handing our public lands over to the fossil fuels, mining and other polluting industries was rated “ignorant and foolish and we’ll all pay for that a long time unfriendly.”

On and on it went.

Taking away health care and replacing it with “something beautiful and cheap” was rated “criminally unfriendly and downright mean.”

And lying to the Boy Scouts last year at their national jamboree, for crying out loud, was rated “who would lie to the Boy Scouts unfriendly.”

And the lying, sheesh. It just doesn’t end.    

Nixon lied to the American people about the Watergate cover up and he resigned in disgrace. Rumpt lies to the American people on a daily basis, calls the press “the enemy of the people” just like Stalin and he draws wild support from the fake Christians and the weak-kneed politicians of the New Conservative Neanderthal Party, formerly known as the Republicans.

Get a copy of the report and a free drink at any NUFA sponsored bar, lounge or tavern nationwide.

Believe me, it’s a doozy.