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“All my fans can eat shit” proclaims vile bastard

Pathetic loser and chronic bedwetter Paul Ryan is quitting his Ramblings column forever, refusing to publish them beyond 2017. Ryan’s mediocre, amateurish writing has been skanking up the Duluth Reader for over 15 years. His column will be replaced by a full page advertisement for diarrhea medication. The publisher believes this will retain Ryan’s loyal audience. 

The humor columnist, best known for accidentally posting an online video of himself masturbating to Chewbacca, has been writing the offensive humor column since 2002. The newspaper has received roughly 6,000 complaints in that time, but finds publishing smut much easier than trying to fill the page with actual news. 

“News reporting is hard work, but jokes about people shitting in each other’s mouths require almost no resources at all,” said Publisher Robert Boone. “He’s very popular with misfits. The sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”

Ryan’s columns, filled with pointless profanity and the same joke about eating poop rewritten thousands of different ways, have spent 15 years serving as the only means for the Northland’s impressionable middle school children to learn new swear words. With the newspaper being free and completely lacking in parental warnings or age verification, it’s a miracle the publication hasn’t been sued or boycotted. 

“Before Ramblings, I didn’t know what a cunt flap was, let alone a cum dumpster,” said Noel Clausen, age 9. “Paul keeps me up to date on all the latest insults and disgusting sexual acts that are usually blocked by the parental controls on our family computer. Ramblings is great! It’s like a gas station that sells cigarettes without checking IDs!”

Perhaps most perplexing is that Ryan won the Best Columnist award in the 2017 Best of the Northland poll. This marks the first time that a column filled entirely with run-on sentences and borderline softcore pornography has been honored in any way. 
Many blame the downfall of manners and politeness in society as the cause for Ryan’s popularity. In the 1950s, everyone watched campy musicals and movies about the history of Jesus. Violence, sex and crime didn’t exist until the 1960s when filthy, filthy hippies changed America forever by filling televisions, movie theaters and newspapers with endless sharting and buttfucking. 

“I rather enjoy buttfucking, but swearing? My goodness, there’s no use for that,” said Vivian Joachim, a deeply religious woman who hates Ryan’s columns yet has read all 780 of them. “What I really love is the politician named Paul Ryan. He’s such a nice handsome young man, giving tax breaks to non-lazy white people and pretending to like Jesus. The columnist Paul Ryan is a vile, communistic bastard who… oh my, now he’s got me swearing. What a dirty little piece of shit he is! Seriously, fuck that toxic little plague. I can write better columns using my husband’s dick as a pen.”

Ryan’s columns were often filled with confusing jokes that made no sense, like someone using another person’s penis as a pen. He seemed to write only for himself, never caring whether his crude yet baffling jokes made sense to readers who weren’t high for 20 hours of every day. Like a painting of dogs playing poker, Ramblings seemed to exist for no reason other than one very weird person having way too much time on their hands. 

Confusing or not, Ryan’s column was a hit with bitter aging alcoholics, bitter aging drug addicts and people who needed newsprint to keep parakeet shit off the bottom of their bird cages. On rare occasions when Ryan sobered up enough to write coherently, he would sometimes write about serious issues that only included seven or eight jokes about bodily functions. No one really liked those columns. 

“GET BACK TO THE FART JOKES ASSHOLE, DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE!” wrote Todd Queefins, an unemployed taconite miner and Ramblings reader who was once arrested for drunkenly punching a walrus at the zoo. “I DON’T WANNA READ ABOUT PROBLEMS JUST GIMME TITTIES AND BUTTS AND JOKES WHERE SOMEBODY POO ON A LADY’S HAIR REAL NICE C’MON DICKHOLE THE PAPER DON’T PAY YOU IN FREE MOVIE TICKETS TO BE A SNOWFLAKE!”

No matter how fans choose to remember Ryan’s column, it will certainly be his last. The columnist’s mother, who only recently discovered what her son has been doing the past 15 years, has assured this. 
“Sweet Christ, our son wrote this trash?!” said Yvette Ryan, seeing her son’s work for the first time. “This is absolutely disgusting. He had a great childhood. We were very kind, loving and supportive parents to him. There is absolutely no justification for why he would turn out so demented and evil. I am so sorry to anyone who had to read these awful things. If his father and I had known, we would have taken away his computer privileges 15 years ago. I swear to you all that he will be grounded and will not be leaving his room for the next month. You hear me, Paul?! No more applesauce for dessert, bucko! The gravy boat has left the station and crashed into the goddamn lift bridge!”

Final Note: In all seriousness, thank you to everyone who has read Ramblings over the years. I’m going to really miss writing it, but I’ll now be working on books and other opportunities. Feel free to follow along at www.dailyramblings.com or on Twitter (username “mrpaulryan”) to see what I’m up to next!