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Every year you f***ing idiots send me Christmas lists. Half of them are addressed to Jesus. Lord knows why. Santa couldn’t be less like him. Have you seen the amazing shit Santa puts under rich people’s trees? Put out a $300 bottle of cognac with the evening cookies and see what Santa leaves under your tree next year. Santa’s not stupid. This s**t is rigged.
Your good old buddy Saint Nick runs Christmas like a San Francisco whorehouse. There are certain things you can get with money, other things you can only get if you work in the film industry, and a few things you’re never getting because they’re disgusting and so are you. Here is a partial list of all the d**kf***ery you selfish goons are one hundred percent not getting this year:
• A f***ing SNES Classic. Does Santa look like an asshole? I must look like some kind of really stupid asshole for you to think Santa’s going to camp overnight outside some goddamn shopping mall. I’m not a homeless person, Lacey. You do not pay me anything for this. I’m not your bitch.
• Your dead relatives. You wouldn’t want them back. They’re gross now. Worms have literally eaten and digested nearly their entire face. Why would you want them back when they’re so gross? Anytime you’re sad thinking about how your loved ones are gone, just remind yourself how bad they probably smell by now. You’re welcome.
• Friendly reminder: Due to the ongoing federal investigation linking Santa to Russian hackers, and the immense time it takes from Santa’s already shitty schedule, Santa will no longer be delivering presents to children with last names that start with the letter S. If this is you, then you aren’t getting shit. Sorry. Welcome to the new Cold War. Call or write your representatives. Tell them to get off Santa’s goddamn back.
• Don’t ask me to bring you an actual book. That s**t’s as heavy as an old man’s balls. You can’t use an ebook reader? You’d rather pay twice as much for a heavy ass book? I’ll bet you’ve never even tried an ebook reader. All smug pretending like you’re never wrong- IT’S NOT A TABLET, THE SCREEN MAKES YOUR EYES FEEL LIKE IT’S A REAL BOOK, SCOTT. Maybe try something new. Just wondering, do you use premium gasoline? Never mind, don’t tell Santa. Santa doesn’t wanna know. Deep breaths. Don’t worry about things you can’t change. F**k everyone. Deep breaths.
• The Minnesota Vikings in the Super Bowl, for s**t’s sake. I’m a philanthropist not a goddamn wizard. They’re gonna lose. ‘Member all those times they lost for no reason? Santa remembers. 41-0, motherfuckers. They’re gonna lose. Just get used to it. Anyone who sheds a single tear when these useless assbags collapse every year isn’t a true fan. Remember when Brett Favre almost won but then totally f***ing lost? For Christ’s sake. Darren goddamn Nelson, if you wanna go way back. Three words that still make me puke. Right through his goddamn hands. Man, f*** that guy.
• A Nintendo Switch. I’m not saying you won’t get one, I’m just saying the first one with red and blue controllers is going to this sexy adult lady sitting right here in Santa’s lap! What’s your name, darling? What’s that? Oh god, you have a kid with you. Jesus. Never mind. Nintendo Switch is available again. False alarm boys, no need to stand at attention. Lady, I don’t wanna talk to your kid. I don’t do that mall Santa s**t. Well then don’t bring your kid to the IHOP that Santa’s using as a bar. I know they don’t serve alcohol, that’s why Santa brought his own. Santa’s a f***ing pro.
• Apologies to California residents, but Santa has not been approved for his recreational marijuana permit yet. The city councils have been very shitty about this to Santa, continually ignoring his emails and phone calls, as if Santa’s status were slightly less meaningful to them than a bag of dog s**t. So let’s make a new deal. Everyone who asks for weed this year will instead get something nice Santa has “borrowed” from the house of a naughty California politician. Maybe it will be a nice painting or the deed of ownership to an island in the South Pacific or the latest model of bullshitmobile that Audi has farted out lately. Or maybe you won’t get s**t. Who knows. As old Santa can attest, life’s a real f***ing gamble. Merry Christmas to all, and to all please kindly f*** off.