Price of dog turds skyrockets! Everyone’s richer than balls! Invest now!

BitCoins are dead! The new investment opportunity sweeping the world is dog turds! Every tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist simply MUST have them, no matter the cost! F*** government control, buy and sell dog poop now! Prices are going up, up, up! Buy high, sell higher! 
Yorkshire terrier turds, $500 per unit! Golden retriever poops, $3,000 per unit! Giant mounds of Great Dane are breaking records at $10,000 per unit! There is literally no way to lose money when it’s invested in dog s***! You’d have to be a complete f****** idiot to not invest heavily!
Dog shelters everywhere are barren. All dogs have been adopted by savvy entrepreneurs mining poops for profit. Cats are also in short supply, adopted by seedy counterfeiters looking to pass off common, useless cat turds as if they were valuable limited edition dog s**t currency, which they are definitely not! Cats blow ass! Dog poo is the new cool! 

No one’s really sure how dog turds became the hip new world currency for trendf****** hypebeasts everywhere, but there’s no denying that social miscreants, drug dealers and mildly racist libertarians everywhere are hoarding large sums of very specific dog turds as investments. They know what you don’t, stupid! This new untraceable form of currency will soon form the genesis of a new world order that prioritizes privacy and personal rights over the prying eyes of government death squads and corporate rape factories! Everyone loves them! Don’t believe me? Check out this guy!

“You government goons think you can track me with your credit cards and bank accounts and submarine sandwich stamp cards! You can’t track these dog turds, motherf*****!” said Lord Cream, a 38-year-old adult man who requires everyone he meets, both online and offline, to call him Lord Cream. “We the People have founded our own currency, free of the shackles of government oppression and slavery-based corporations that condemn modern man to prisons of false opportunity! Ughhhhhhhhh! Oh god! Oh man. I came in my pants a little bit. I’m still learning to control my passion. Anyway, f*** those capitalist pigs and buy BitTurds! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to visit the restroom and spot wash my pants. Lord Cream away!”

Before dog poop became coveted, BitCoins were all the rage. The digital cryptocurrency that exists only in computers was quickly derailed by people buying only for investment, making its wildly fluctuating price too unstable for day-to-day transactions. Cryptopoopery uses the same horribly flawed system, but with real, non-digital coiled lumps of dog waste. Investors claim they really love cramming crumbling pieces of dog s*** into their safety deposit boxes. Investors believe the currency will stabilize in the summer once more timid investors realize BitTurds will melt in their pockets on warmer days. Everyone’s investing! Don’t believe me, you son of a bitch? Check out this person!

“I don’t know what happened. My friends all began feverishly buying dog turds and I felt left out,” said Kim Moistly, a 43-year-old who invested $15,000 in one day. “Everyone else wanted these dog turds so badly that my overly competitive nature went into overdrive. I didn’t even care about the value, I just wanted to win. I wanted the power that these literal pieces of dog shit gave me over other people who own slightly less dog shit.”

So why not just use cash, the original anonymous currency that’s not only stable and backed by our entire society, but doesn’t track citizens at all and can be insured in any bank and used in any store? Because unlike cash, limited edition dog s*** is available in developing countries that have no access to banks. Or something. Beats us. All we know is it’s huge and prices will never fall!

Breaking news! Dog turds are now worthless! All breeds crashed to 10 cents per unit in five minutes! Only stupid people buy them! What a huge bunch of f****** idiots all these people were for buying and trading and hoarding these dog turds that we media types have been endlessly promoting and creating a mysterious aura and sense of wonder around for the past few years. Sell, sell, sell! Dog turds are s***!

Dennis Kempton of Duluth, who owns the most dog turds in the entire country, was devastated by the collapse. Once a man capable of being useful to society, Kempton now sits broken in the street like a smelly old garbage can filled with farts. Tattered and alone, he clings desperately to his huge bags of dog turds, which he swears are worth $10,000 each. 

The BitTurd epidemic has destroyed millions of lives, wiping out entire neighborhoods of neckbeards and goateed guys who wear jean shorts and wraparound shades while they vape... wait, what’s this? Holy shit, people are buying dog turds again! Buy, buy, buy! Some idiot in Michigan bought 12,000 of them and now we all love them again for no reason! What a huge bunch of fucking idiots all these people were for not buying dog turds! Buy, buy, buy! Tell your dog to hurry up and do his business before the imaginary Bitturd system hits its imaginary limit and all the dog turds are snatched up! Hurry up you f****** morons!