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Not since JFK has America elected a candidate based solely on their attractiveness, but Minnesota’s newest senator may be handsome enough to break the entire mold of modern politicians.
An adorable puppy lightly snoring while sprawled out in a sunbeam has won the hearts of registered voters in Minnesota, and without being accused of a single sexual assault charge! Men and women alike seem drawn to the newest, warmest, softest US senator who recently had a bath and meekly licks your face when disturbed from his sunlit slumber.
Lightly snoring dog sprawled out in a sunbeam is replacing former senator Al Franken, who was thrown out of office like the disgusting piece of trash he is after it was discovered that he thrust his tongue down a woman’s throat without permission in 2006 and grabbed another woman’s buttcheeks at the state fair in 2010. Voters claim the dog is better trained than Franken.
“The dog pisses on the rug occasionally, but that’s still better than 90 percent of the behavior exhibited by Al Franken and other politicians,” said voter Clark Manbee. “The dog has also been neutered, so unlike Franken he won’t be rubbing up against any ladies or grabbing ass during photo shoots.”
The pudgy black and tan mini pinscher - so sleepy it can barely keep its eyes open, squinting ever so tightly as the afternoon sun warms it to the temperature of a sleeping bag filled with soft pillows - reacted happily to the news of its victory, snorting and rolling onto its belly to balance the distribution of sunlight.
The lightly snoring dog sprawled out in a sunbeam is the first political candidate in American history to win with 100 percent of voter support. Literally every demographic and every political party gave their full endorsement of lightly snoring dog sprawled out in a sunbeam, rocketing the independent candidate to a flawless victory.
Former senator Franken attempted to run against lightly snoring dog sprawled out in a sunbeam, but only received endorsements from pro-rape businesses. Politicians were shocked by the landslide victory, blindly unaware that America’s long love affair with sexual assault had fallen out of fashion.
“Throughout its existence, every single person in the United States has always been a selfish asshole all the time,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). “Why change now? Because of some dog in a goddamn sunbeam? Jesus, can someone send me a postcard or a memo next time? A singing telegram maybe? Something? We all created this toxic cesspool of a culture together through years of patiently ignoring and at times insulting women who came forward with accusations of sexual assault. We can’t just turn it on and off like a goddamn faucet. We’re going to have to spend years only partially turning a blind eye to sexual assault first before we actually make a serious effort to stop it.”
Other Democrats tried the more traditional method of distraction, used to exhausting effect by both parties.
“I fully condemn everything Al Franken did, except all the amazing things he did,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “Franken is a disgusting man who assaulted a woman and even though he raises a lot of money for us - like a huge amount, like holy shit amounts of money - we fully condemn his actions and think he should be punished by being condemned by us verbally. He is a horrid asswipe bastard of the worst kind, and we just can’t lose his seat. I understand he sexually assaulted people and that’s just awful of him but we’re kinda doing a thing here where we’re trying to get rid of the president. Franken’s a great mental health advocate and he does a lot of good for women and I’m not in any way excusing the horrible allegations but we should totally excuse those allegations, I mean what allegations, you’re getting sleepy, very sleepy. If anyone should resign, it should be the president! I know that has nothing to do with anything and is just a mindless knee-jerk misdirection to change the subject away from Al Franken forcefully licking the inside of a frightened woman’s mouth but Hyundai makes the best cars, Pepsi is better than Coke, Playstation makes the best video game console user interface and Dr. Peevy Beefings on West 4th Street gives the best backrubs in St. Louis County la la la nobody here but us ghosts this concludes our apology distraction, please fight amongst yourselves bye!”
On the sunnier side of town, lightly snoring dog sprawled out in a sunbeam delighted voters young and old by eating a rock and then vomiting it onto the carpeting. What an adorable dog our new senator is! He almost makes us forget that the GOP’s new tax bill will literally destroy the middle class decades earlier than expected and- oh my God, he just tooted! Our sleepy little dog senator has just tooted! What a wonderful time to be alive!
Leaders of the New World Order plan to ride this wave of peaceful dog love for the next 10 to 15 years, at which point dog lightly snoring while sprawled out in a sunbeam will die of old age, restoring the nation to the violent anarchy that nature originally intended for our species.