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1) Watch Ernest Saves Christmas for the one thousandth time because you’re stuck in your parents’ house and it’s either this or stare at a blank wall for the next 96 hours. There’s no booze and their dog keeps trying to rub his butt on you and it keeps leaving a mark on your jeans and all there is to do is eat and make small talk with your weird deadbeat uncle who collects Garfield stuffed animals and eat and die a little more inside and then eat.
2) Buy a mediocre joint off your weird uncle and watch the Thanksgiving Day parade on TV. Imagine what each balloon would look like with giant genitalia dragging behind it, crushing anyone who dared enter its path. Thousands would perish under its deadly weight, refusing to believe that a giant dong was about to crush their home. They would be sorry later, when the brutal carnage was far too late to fix.
3) Maybe anarchy is the answer? Four days of living with your parents can drive a person to such things. If you have to endure this, why doesn't everyone? Maybe all those dumb feelings you've had of being left behind over the years were right. The world will feel your wrath! If you have to suffer, so does everyone else! Anarchy! Burn society’s constructs to the ground and start over! From now on everyone stands in line for their weekly loaf of bread and bag of fresh fucks to give! One bag per person, no flipping!
4) Try sitting on the toilet and crying for a bit, quietly reminding yourself that you're only rooming with your parents temporarily. You'll be gone after the new year! Really, you mean it! Maybe just until the end of January to save some money, but that's it! You won't be here in February, that's for sure. Oooh, look at all these cool vintage clothes on eBay. Maybe February is okay.
5) Preheat the oven to 325 degrees fahrenheit. Remove your neck. Dry yourself with paper towels, then season yourself inside and out with salt and pepper. Fill your fat mouth with aromatics like chopped onions, carrots, apples and herbs, then lie down breast-side up in a roasting pan. Tent yourself with foil, brush your skin with melted butter and roast for 12 hours. Remove the foil, baste yourself with more melted butter and crank the oven to 425 degrees fahrenheit. Jab a metal thermometer into your side. Roast for another hour or until your thigh registers 165 degrees fahrenheit. Pick at your skin and eat it while you make the gravy.
6) Bitterly watch other people on Youtube play Star Wars Battlefront 2 while your copy sits dormant and multiple states away at home. Five minutes later, gouge your eyes out with a sharpened stick because it's preferable to watching someone else play a video game.
7) At some point during this long ordeal a moment will arrive when no one else in the room is watching your phone screen and you can look up photos of naked people on Reddit. Don't waste that moment. You'll need it.
8) Try using Tinder in your hometown, swiping right until you find someone who owns a trampoline. You could definitely kill a few hours of time on a trampoline. You don’t care if there’s snow on it. Brush that shit off, lady. I ain’t here to drink your crappy coffee and plan our future together. Let’s cut to the chase and get on that trampoline.
9) How many slices of processed cheese can you eat in one sitting without becoming violently ill? No better time than the present to test out such feats. Think of it like a version of Jenga made especially for your immune system.
10) I guess you could read a book? I mean, it’s 2017. You can barely read the sticker on a banana without getting bored halfway through, but I guess you’re smart enough to read a book? Maybe there’s one about dinosaurs where each chapter is half a page with lots of drawings. Or whatever, just dive straight into Byron and choke on your own ambition, you hideous cretins.