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Nearly 77.3 million parents are under suspicion this week in the bust of a candy theft ring many are calling a nationwide conspiracy. Children who silently endured these delicious, creamy, nougat-filled lies are finally speaking out.
“This has been going on for years,” said Molly Shawn, age 4. “I thought the so-called Halloween candy ‘tax’ was a law. They told me it was a real law! I’ve been blindly handing over my best loot for years and almost everything these blithering cunts told me has been a bald-faced lie to help them steal my candy!”
Parents impersonated numerous government officials over the years, from made-up “candy inspectors” of various ranks and departments to bogus “quality assurance testers” that seemed to be testing candy that had already passed FDA approval as well as independent testing years prior.
Defense attorney Scott Lars Poon said the extra safety checks are valid because it’s better to be safe than sorry.
“Look, I don’t want my dumb kid to die because he’s a stupid idiot,” said Poon, his mouth covered in melted chocolate. “What’s wrong with checking candy twice? It’s candy given to a child by a stranger. We can’t be extra safe? We need these extra candy inspections to safeguard the top-shelf stuff! Ain’t nobody gonna poison a Tootsie Roll! That landfill fodder will sit around for decades before anyone eats it. These selfish kids need to check their privilege.”
Fathers were especially vocal about the candy testing criticism, wasting no time in playing the terrorism card to justify their actions.
“I’m the target here. I’m the one with all the big money,” said Todd Dinkles, cashier at a local Dairy Queen. “ISIS has computers. They can do research on things I like. I have to eat all the candy I like because that’s what the terrorists will poison first. My kids have no enemies, political views or money. There’s no joy in this for me. I hated every delicious, milky nougat-soaked bite of those dozen or so 3 Musketeers bars I tested yesterday. I hated how the chocolate melted in my mouth, swirling as one with the creamy nougat to provide a perfect blend of texture and flavor. Only when the savory aftertaste, nearly as potent as the original flavor itself, left my lips for the final time did I breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that my children were finally safe. I just couldn’t bear to watch them be killed by the very thing I love most.”
Such claims are falling on deaf ears. The fabricated safety issues may only be the tip of the Klondike bar. Parents are also being accused of candy laundering, in which candy is stolen outright from children’s Halloween buckets while they’re away at school and then funneled through a series of complex business writeoffs aimed at hiding the original source of the candy. Passed off as “workplace candy” or something bought from a store, the stolen candy was often questioned but rarely returned. Yet the “fun size” nature of the candy bars and the fact that they’re not Jolly Ranchers make it impossible for them to be sold individually at retail or given away at mediocre workplaces.
Authorities are also investigating the living conditions of candy victims. The children, who have spent their entire lives locked inside suburban homes, were often found to be completely unaware of current events. Charlie Bancroft, age 5, didn’t even know the names of his current city councilmen or fish and wildlife officers.
“Mommy said candy tastes better when you’re tripping on desomorphine,” said Bancroft, stopping at length to pick his nose and eat it. “Daddy smells different late at night and gets clumsy. Mommy said it’s his oopsies time because he works hard and his boss is a fucktard.”
With medical marijuana legal in 29 states, the candy theft problem is only going to increase. Stoned parents nationwide have been the worst candy hoarders, not even thinking up proper alibis for their thievery.
“Daddy said my candy’s gone because the New World Order is falsely reporting shrinking oil reserves in Iraq, causing fake global shortages that allow The Lizard People who control every aspect of our lives to jack up prices and upset the careful balance of our fragile economy,” said Sally Lai, age 6. “Daddy also said The Lizard People are only keeping us alive so they can devour us butt first”
As criticism of the candy laundering reached a fever pitch, parents nationwide ended the entire discussion for good by adopting a very stern tone.
“I pay your rent and give you food and shelter, all free of charge,” said Dick Purse to his eight-year-old son. “These Snickers bars are your share of the rent. If you don’t agree with this Billy, then kindly go sleep outside in the rain. I have given you a generous cut of this Halloween free candy deal. Pray I don’t alter the deal any further.”