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Wed | 9pm | USA
A show paid for by a corporation and aired on a network also run by corporations, all of them collaborating together to fund a TV show about how evil corporations are and how great it would be if they all collapsed and their buildings burnt to the ground with all their employees inside. Late stage capitalism at its finest. Regardless, the show is beautifully shot and every episode is the prettiest conspiracy theory porn you’ll ever watch, so you’ll likely put up with the hypocrisy.
Sunday | 9pm | HBO
Do you like boobs, but in an untraditional way? I mean, the show has colossal fart-tons of naked boobs but it’s android boobs. Almost all the characters in this show are sex robots, so they’re usually naked but also bloody and half sliced open. It’s really hard to jerk off while watching. I had to close my eyes and think about Game of Thrones just to finish. YMMV.
Vikings vs. Ravens
Sunday | noon | FOX
Grown men in purple hats and yellow stripey pants battle other grown men in purple stripey hats and yellow finger gloves for supreme dominance of a game in which cameras from various angles decide if people did a thing or not. Three hours of this makes most viewers understandably angry toward anything not dipped adequately in nacho cheese, ketchup and Natty Light.
Rick & Morty
Sunday | 11pm | Adult Swim
An intergalactic asshole with zero moral conscience, zero flaws with which to humbly identify and zero repercussions for anything he does travels the universe with his whiny grandson giving witty one-liners whilst discovering more in depth information about themselves that usually makes them even less likeable. Roughly 48 percent of people who watch this show will vote for Trump next election, but it’s a really funny show so it’s worth it, at least in the short term.
Friday | 8pm | Animal Planet
Watch the whitest guy you’ve ever seen build $200,000 treehouses for other rich white people who own 10 acres of land in Vermont or New Hampshire or some such rich person nonsense. Despite its privilege, the show is filled with charm, with nearly four times the dad jokes as Pawn Stars. Also, if we’re being honest - and I think we are - a treehouse really plays well into the zombie apocalypse survival plan most of us have been dreaming up in excruciatingly specific detail over the past year. I’m just saying, zombies can’t climb trees. Not yet. This show will teach you how to build an entitled treehouse fortress so you can survive the first wave of the undead’s evolution.
Halt and Catch Fire
Sunday | 9pm | AMC
A show about 1980s tech startups, but instead of wall-to-wall dick jokes like the delightful comedy Silicon Valley, this Emmy-nominated drama only contains endless scenes of people sobbing uncontrollably. Nearly 50 minutes of each 45 minute episode is footage of people crying, and this is a show about computers! Imagine if they made a show about The Holocaust or your last date.
Oct 27 | Netflix
Sinéad O’Connor stars as a 13-year-old telekinetic girl who loves Kellogg’s® Eggo® Buttermilk™ Waffles℠. Winona Ryder stars as herself. Tom Hanks stars as a delightfully charming box of waffles. It’s true! Look it up. Can’t find it? I guess you didn’t look hard enough, because I found it. Hey look, Tom Hanks is in Stranger Things! Soooooo cool. I’m glad I’m not the one missing out on this!
Currently available | CraveTV
I didn’t know countries other than America made their own TV shows. I guess those frosty-nippled bastards in Canada think they’re better than us. Whatevs. Letterkenny is an obscure Canadian comedy that follows the rural antics of hicks, skids (Canadian for gothy meth heads) and hockey players in a small Canadian town. The majority of the show is people punching each other and repeating lewd catch phrases that seem annoying at first but slowly take over your brain. It’s Canadian humor, so please allow 4-5 episodes for the binging addiction to take hold.
Fear the Walking Dead
Sunday | 8pm | AMC
The worst show on television. Terrible characters, terrible casting, mediocre b-level storylines. I know this is supposed to be a “best of” list, but we’re including this shitburger as a public warning. If you have any friends or relatives who are in a coma, please do them a favor and make sure their hospital room TV isn’t set to AMC. The staff may be inadvertently exposing them to hours of mediocrity without realizing it. If I woke up and found myself strapped into a medical bed and forced to watch a marathon of Fear the Walking Dead episodes, I’d pull my own plug.
Feb 23 | Amazon
Shut up, it’s a good show. It’s quirky and perfectly replicates the comedic tone of the comic books and 90s cartoon show. The guy who plays Arthur is fantastically neurotic and … are you even listening to me right now? It seems like you’re busy on your phone. No, it’s fine. Everything’s fine. You just seem really busy with whatever’s happening on your phone right now. Like suuuuuper busy. I’m not pushy and acerbic. YOU’RE pushy and acerbic. I don’t have to listen to this shit anymore, Marlene! I’m a person! I’m a real person with real feels! You know what? Fuck you. I’m going out for some vape cartridges.