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Perennial loser, frequent inebriate, occasional douchebag and non-active Wikipedian Paul Ryan expressed dismay this week that he simply can’t find another human being on the planet who has seen the new Star Trek TV show. CBS opted to make the episodes only available through their own streaming service that costs as much as Netflix yet only contains the mind-numbing mediocrity of CBS shows.
When given the choice to either pay $72 annually just to watch Star Trek or tell CBS to go fuck itself, the entirety of humanity currently alive on this planet unified in choosing the latter option. All of humanity except Ryan.
“Hey guys, I’m really interested in talking about the new Star Trek show,” wrote Ryan in a desperate post repeated urgently across all his social media accounts. “What did you think about the Klingons? Don’t they look like the Uruk-hai in Lord of the Rings? Ha! Trust me, you would have found that statement both accurate and charmingly amusing had you been stupid enough to pay $6 to watch a single fucking TV show.”
Nielsen has confirmed in its weekly television ratings that Ryan of 411 West First Street was the sole pathetic viewer of last week’s Star Trek episodes. CBS has made it clear that they’ll do whatever it takes to hold onto the sole customer they have.
“Shit. He wants the weird alien guy on the bridge to have a penis coming out of his forehead,” said an exasperated Bryan Fuller, series co-creator and head writer. “And he wants it to glow blue and wiggle whenever klingons are nearby. He also wants to see … Lt. Nyota Uhura naked? What the hell is he even talking about? The actress from the original 1966 series? She’s 85 years old now. I’m not going to ask her that. I’ll put a very small, very flaccid penis on Saru’s forehead, but that’s it. That dick is not going to wiggle! I’m not going to be pushed around!”
Ryan noted that current technology allows filmmakers to reanimate dead actors to deliver lines in Star Wars films, so it should be no problem to emulate what Lt. Uhura would have looked like taking a shower under a garden hose nude in her backyard in the 1960s. He also noted that ‘the floppy penis better glow blue as all hell.’
Despite only having one unattractive looking customer, CBS held its ground on charging actual money for a streaming service that doesn’t even include softcore pornography. I mean, HBO has all sorts of naked people shows. All of them are useless compared to the absolute filth that can be found on the internet, but still, they made an effort. CBS Chairman Les Moonves defended his decisions.
“People keep telling me we’re using a paywall to exploit the fan bases of our most fragile cult franchises, greedily bleeding loyal customers dry in a desperate attempt to segregate all online media into separate paid streaming services with studios collectively charging viewers more than the price of cable each month for a collection of content that used to be completely free,” said Moonves. “Yet they won’t tell me why that’s a problem.”
Meanwhile, Ryan turned to empty threats to convince friends and family to watch yet another goddamn Star Trek show with him.
“Someone needs to volunteer or I’m going to make everyone’s lives miserable,” said Ryan. “Do I have to come over to your house unannounced with a USB flash drive loaded with the first two episodes? I’ll do it. I’ll fucking do it.”
At deadline, Ryan’s kin were planning to just leave and come back in a day or two if he invites himself over to watch paywalled network television again. Ryan has made idle threats like this at least 17 times over the past year, sometimes for shows that aren’t even on the air anymore, like sexy 1980s smash hit “Mr. Belvedere” or all 7,563 episodes of “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman”.
“People better like the TV shows I like or I’ll literally kill them,” said Ryan, pointing to a gun in his belt that clearly had the orange tip found on toy guns. “Star Trek: Discovery is a great show. I hope I don’t have to bust a literal cap in someone, because this cap gun is super loud.”