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Your dog’s urine glistened in the final hours of lingering daylight, having pooled into droplets at the ends of the curved blades of grass. The dog leaned in and licked it with a look of pure joy on his face, as if you being passed over for a promotion yet again last August weren’t consuming every square inch of his psyche. It’s almost as if your dog was simply overjoyed to just lounge around, drinking his own pee all day.
A groundbreaking study by Harvard University has proven with zero percent margin of error that your dog, who recently got yelled at for licking his own pee off the grass during his morning walk, is far happier than you. Over 94 percent happier, to be exact.
Some of the country’s top minds studied both your lives for a year without your knowledge or permission, discovering the secrets to why your dog sucks less than you. The outcome: You’re an uptight asshole and your dog is super nice and doesn’t give a shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit about anything.
“Your dog is happier because he only desires real things he can actually attain, like a mouthful of his own pee,” said Dr. Arlen Wong, a dog psychiatrist hired to figure out why your dog is so much wiser and more fun to hang out with than you.“ A promotion? Your dog, who literally wipes his butt with his own tongue, has no concept of work and doesn’t measure his life based upon such lopsided man-made abuses. Money? Your dog has no use for money. He will consist for the entirety of his life on the worst and cheapest food mankind knows how to make yet he’ll still be a million times happier than you. The only way you could possibly compete is to move to the woods and take drugs until you’re literally dumb enough to have fun.”
The results of the test cannot be disputed, as it was compiled using sciencey things filled with scientific science. The study can only be proven wrong over time by you becoming a more friendly and warm person who waits patiently for things and always gives others the benefit of the doubt, which will never happen.
“Fuck Tanya right in her dumb face,” said you at work yesterday, bitching incessantly about things you won’t remember or care about in a week. “She brought me Megan’s mail the other day. I’m like, helloooo, my name is spelled Meghan with an h. I swear, the only reason she can tell her twat from her own face is because she dyes her hair blond. I hope she gets the clap.”
Politicians plan to solve the problem by requiring all dogs to work a 9-6 job with at least 45 minutes of commute time. By forcing dogs to have a soul sucking career they neither want nor care about except for the fact that it keeps them fed, they can quickly destroy the dogs’ spirit, creativity and will to be happy. It will leave a terrifying hole in their heart they’ll only fill with a mixture of alcohol, cannabis and constantly reliving every mistake they’ve ever made in their life at least four times daily, but human beings have been doing that for decades and we turned out fine.
However, experts are not united on this solution. Many of the Harvard valedictorians amongst the staff worry that your dog - who sometimes eats cockroaches, barfs them up and then excitedly eats the barf - may actually get promoted over you at work.
“Your dog is smarter than you, comes from a breed that’s significantly better behaved than yours, and is also less ugly,” said Dr. Charles Poonley, head researcher. “Considerably less ugly. I would definitely promote the dog over you. Your dog has more friends in the office and doesn’t systematically use every last one of his sick days every year to get high and play video games. I would fire you and keep your dog. He’s a good boy. You’re the opposite of that.”
Poonley then clarified that the opposite of a good boy is “an unbearable piece of shit.”