News & Articles

Wendell Groldensmorf, age 38, removes a handful of sand from his fanny pack, letting the granules slip through his fingers. After hours of trekking deep into the darkened recesses of the comic book convention, he has found his prized artifact: a Vinyl Cape Jawa, one of the rarest Star Wars figures ever released, sitting loose in a pile of common figures. The vendor knows not what they have. He must move quickly. 

With a steady hand and calm nerves, Groldensmorf pays the vendor, hiding his glee. He turns to leave, but another collector recognizes the figure in his hand and attempts to make the vendor a far more lucrative offer. The Raiders March theme plays as Groldensmorf whips the fanny pack full of sand from his belt and bashes his competition in the face, the dense sand packing a brutal blow. He sprints for the exit with hordes of butthurt collectors, vendors and security guards in close pursuit. Security attempts to shut the outer doors but Groldensmorf slides through in the nick of time, reaching back at the last moment to save his worn brown fedora. He waves the hat to the mob of angry locals out the window as his shuttle bus carries him and the precious figure to safety.

It’s just another day of collecting for Groldensmorf. While toy collecting and sexual prowess aren’t usually directly connected, drastic shifts in idolization of nerd culture have made toy collectors the hottest bachelors of the season. Gorgeous ladies of all shapes, sizes and Jar Jar Binks opinions are now trendily lusting for old school nerds.

“He’s not handsome at all and he’s very, very poor, but he’s the only person I know who owns an original radio controlled Jawa Sandcrawler,” said Candie Jenkins, a former lingerie model and one of Groldensmorf’s unreasonably attractive groupies. “He also has a Darth Vader with double telescoping lightsaber. I mean, the guy’s pulling in a massive list of rarities. He attains these figures through years of patiently stalking Ebay auctions and sniping great deals on holiday weekends when his biggest competitors are away from their computers. How could I not rip my pants off in a fiery explosion of sexual desire?”

Toy collectors are some of nature’s most bold and daring treasure hunters, willing to go places no sane person would, like Kmart. Groldensmorf says the first rarity ladies are moistened by upon entering his suave bachelor pad is a framed 1977 Star Wars trading card misprint in which C-3PO appears to have a robot penis. The rare error card, with fewer than 50 in circulation, sells at auction for nearly $23. He viciously battled sixteen hardened rarities dealers online for the score.

“He makes Indiana Jones look like a huge pussy,” said Jasmine Felline, who used to date professional athletes and Silicon Valley billionaires before dumping them all for Groldensmorf. “Bro has a rocket firing Boba Fett prototype only found through a 1979 mail order offer. The rocket was a choking hazard to children and they removed it from circulation, yet against all odds it still exists in this brave man’s collection. Yak Face was a character never released within the United States at all, yet here the figure stands in his collection, within the very borders where it was forbidden to exist by both government and god. If you don’t have a raging lady boner right now, then I don’t know how to fix you.”

Moving further into Groldensmorf’s den of Lucasfilm-based seduction, his guests are introduced to multiple high-end glass display cases filled with classic Star Wars toys meticulously arranged by color. Seas of minutely different black Darth Vader figures slowly fade into the subtle greys of various Boba Fetts, eventually dissolving into an ocean of white stormtroopers and figures from every known color of the rainbow. This is Groldensmorf’s mid-level collectibles. Impressive looking, but easy to find. It isn’t until the ladies enter the splendor of his mood lit bedroom that they see the true apex of his climax.

“Holy cat shit, he’s got two Blue Snaggletooths in here!” screeched Amber Loshon, a Harvard graduate and 2009 Poet Laureate for the nation of France. “Two! Two of these gorgeously rare things just tossed carelessly into a corner like he doesn’t even give the slightest damn about them. That is so hot. Is there a utility closet somewhere I can drag him off to by his hair like a cavewoman who’s chosen her mate?”

It seems the OG nerd’s time has come. For years, celebrities and other attractive hangers-on have shamelessly declared themselves “nerdy” for watching mainstream superhero movies, enjoying casual mobile games on their phone or reading a comic book one time because a director required it. True nerds have always wondered when the trickle down economics of this superhero trend would deliver hordes of poon to their doorsteps, and it seems that time is now.

Oddly, Groldensmorf has now become a rarity himself, a legitimate nerd who is popular with the ladies despite never having more than $70 in his bank account at one time since 1997.
“I work a real job and spend every penny I earn on Star Wars collectibles,” said Groldensmorf. “Seriously, I make like $33k per year. So I’m sorry ladies, but you’ll have to cover my tab for the entire convention as well as the seven beers I drank at dinner.”
“Don’t worry about it, we’ll take care of you!” said the ladies in unison, sighing and releasing hours of pent-up flatulence as Groldensmorf walked off into the sunset in search of more panty dropping jewels of Western culture.