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When Sally Wiener made a new year’s resolution to be less of a douche, she didn’t think she’d last a week. Eight months later, the 68-year-old has set a new world record for non-douchebaggery. No one has ever gone this long without being a complete asshole to someone.
“If I’m being honest, I thought I’d last a good four or five days before blurting out a horrible, horrible slur,” said Wiener, who used to take great joy in being a stubborn, arrogant, hate-filled bastard. “I thought for sure I’d anonymously mail my daughter one of her dog’s errant turds or key someone’s car just because they’re richer than me.”
The key to Wiener’s success was learning how much easier life becomes once you stop giving a shit about it. Her job, family, friends, children, pets, country and chosen God used to cause her immeasurable amounts of stress and frustration. She now ceases to give a fat shit about any of them, and she’s never been happier.
“What the hell do I care if I get passed up for a promotion at work? This turd factory and all the morons in it will be something I barely remember ten years from now,” said Wiener. “By the time 100 years pass, everyone on this planet will be getting blowies in a cornfield with Jesus. Everyone we know will be there cheering us on, and I won’t even remember my previous existence as a slave laborer for greedy corporations who treat my health and financial security as some sort of sadistic game where they see who can squeeze their employees the most. All these unfeeling capitalists can eat a dick, because from now on it’s Wiener time.”
Those with a careful eye for details may detect some angst in Wiener Time. This is because her non-douchebag streak was finally broken in rush hour traffic last week when she screamed obscenities at a homeless woman in a wheelchair for briefly blocking her right turn.
“How long does it take to roll that goddamn thing?” shouted Wiener out her car window, shocking onlookers with her cruel rage. “Goddamn you, homeless Professor Xavier, making me late to work. You’d think you’d build up some arm strength just rolling around all day. Hellooooooo. Hello, move faster. Hurry up, stupid.”
Wiener is being honored with the President Medal of Freedom for her courageousness. This is the nation’s highest honor for civilians. An orchestra of hundreds of musicians will play as the award is handed to her. After accepting, she will be carried on a bed of soft pillows back home, where a complimentary Skee-Ball machine has been installed in her house. Since it belongs to her, she will be allowed to chuck the Skee-Balls down the lane overhand whenever she damn well feels like it.
“I wasn’t expecting all this, but I definitely felt something special in the air while dumping all my unrelated emotional baggage onto that defenseless crippled hobo,” said Wiener, a twinge of pride in her voice. “This is the first time I’ve been an asshole in eight months! I’m proud of myself for being a douche only once in a while instead of every waking moment of every day. It’s really hard for me because I hate people so much.”
There are very few people in the world who have even come close to Wiener’s world record, though many have tried over the years. Famous poet Daniel Louden of Superior once went nearly five months without being a douche, but that was because he was in a coma the entire time. Pope John Paul II once went four days without being a dirtbag, but was then forced to because religious doctrine pretty much requires it. Former President Jimmy Carter came the closest in 1982, when he went a startling six months without doucheing, at which point he was examined by doctors and found to be mentally imbalanced. After a few months of heavy medication, Carter was back to doing normal person things like going to the bathroom on his own floor to punish his cleaning lady for arriving late to work.
Passed out on her own front lawn on a Tuesday afternoon, Wiener reflected on her implausible feat and what it meant for her future.
“Nihilism is the best decision I’ve ever made,” said Wiener. “I don’t have to do anything or try hard, yet I can still get drunk and go snowmobiling whenever I feel like it. When I fail, I don’t have to get worked up at all. Fuck caring. What has caring ever done for me? It’s nice knowing I finally have the freedom to fail miserably and embarrass myself without all the pressure of having to feel bad about it. The world has been disappointing me for years. Now I get to return the favor on purpose.”