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The streets of suburbia ran red with blood Monday as the latest Game of Thrones spoiler tore the nation a very figurative second butthole. Rioting and raging through every major city nationwide, the violent backlash to a mere subplot spoiler, not even relevant to the main storyline, left 239 fans dead and millions more deeply wounded.
The spoiler, a leaked clip which showed beloved Princess Sansa Stark passionately making love to a polar bear, left many fans like 83-year-old widower Mary Bloomfield distraught, listless and unable to find polar bears adorable anymore.
“Fifteen dollars a month!” said Bloomfield, aggressively spitting her dentures onto the table to show dominance. “I pay fifteen goddamn dollars to those clowns at HBO and that poor girl gets borked by a polar bear?! What kind of writing is that? Medical marijuana ain’t legal everywhere, you California hacks!”
Violent hobos congealed in the streets as armchair perverts nationwide mourned the sexual misfortunes of their favorite redhead who’s still alive. Riots and looting swarmed the nation like a frigid Westeros winter, bringing mayhem caused by nothing more than my a CGI polar bear green screen humping an actress’ 21-year-old body double.
“You ate Queen Cersei. That was hot,” said Sansa, caressing the confused polar bear’s mane. “I especially loved that you kept her alive as long as possible whilst devouring her head. As such, you have earned enough Sansa Points to bury thine wiener within me. I am yours, polar bear. Ravage me like one of your arctic whores!”
Normally found in the Arctic Circle, polar bears have been known to wander into fictional places like Westeros when winter is coming. As is to be expected with princesses who have extreme daddy issues, the sight of this new and unnatural bear, dangerous yet ruggedly handsome, lit a fire in Sansa that could only be quenched by some polar strange.
“Remove my corset, you stupid fucking bear,” said Sansa to the carnivorous marine mammal, who was listed in the credits as being named ‘Skippy’. “Now slowly remove the 300 other items that make up my medieval outfit. Wake me when you’re finished removing all seven winter coats that I wear at one time and the multiple layers of armor plating underneath them. I’ll then have a few cups of coffee while you’re removing the 280 layers of undergarments that were trendy in this time period. Then we’ll ride a bicycle backwards to Bonertown together.”
While the FCC has regulations regarding human nudity and sexuality, there are currently no such limitations for polar bear dicks. A television channel could technically show non-stop polar bear coitus 24 hours per day without any consequences, if they were into that sort of thing.
Mark Tuttle, competitive kale eater, was so shocked by the down and out ball slapping polar bear action that he accidentally lost his wedding ring inside a woman’s vagina.
“I was watching The Thones at a bar and that scene with the polar bear shook me so bad that I flailed my arms, as men often do, and my wedding ring flew right off my finger,” said Tuttle, frantically wiping sweat from his brow. “I guess that lady across the room must have had her legs way open or something, because it flew right in there. We had to go to the emergency room and have x-rays done. I let them use my insurance and they mistakenly listed her as my wife and sent the bill to my home, where my actual wife saw the words ‘removed wedding ring from cervix’ and jumped to all sorts of wild conclusions. To make a long story short, this is some bullshit and Game of Thrones sucks.”
PETA initially protested the filming, but went home once they saw how much fun the CGI bear seemed to be having.
“Ugfffffppppptttttthhhhhhhhh!” snarled the bear, giving forth a spirited effort of clumsy yet powerful thrusting. “Huhhuhhuh blllaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!”
This graphic scene lasted nearly 27 minutes, after which there was an additional five minute scene of Sansa and the bear sharing a cigarette while lightly arguing over where to get breakfast.
Director Turd Bergson explained the show's new creative direction in the most logical manner possible.
“It’s the last two seasons of Game of Thrones. Why wouldn’t Sansa Stark smash a polar bear?” said Bergson, wearing 11 Emmy statuettes around his neck like gold chains. “Trust me. I’m pretty sure I know how to make a TV show. I have so many Emmys that sometimes I just throw them away! I know it's a first world problem, but these dumb things the academy keeps throwing at me take up a lot of space. Goodwill has literally banned me from dumping them in their donation bins, so sometimes I just throw them away or chuck them into random people’s yards in my neighborhood. Honestly, fuck these Emmys. They never stop coming. It's a real fucking hassle.”