News & Articles
Browse all content by date.
Planning a stress-free day for himself after months of turmoil, President Donald Trump tried to calm himself Sunday with a quiet day of Netflix. Staffers made him popcorn and cued up Okja, an award winning film about a little girl and her adorable super pig.
It didn’t take long for the film to go sour. Around the 30 minute mark, the heartwarming story of a carefree girl and her pig turned surprisingly dark.
“Jesus Christ, they took the little girl’s pig?” said President Trump, visibly angered. “They’re taking the pig to a slaughterhouse? Goddamn liberal vegan propaganda! I don’t wanna see this shit. I don’t wanna learn anything. Just cook the pulled pork and put it in my sandwich, you assholes. Jesus, I hate this fucking movie. It’s so good, though. It’s really good. Fuck, I hate it.”
Like many, the president felt misled by the trailer for the film, in which a small Korean girl and her gigantic derpy pet pig travel the forest in search of delicious fruit and exciting adventures. The actual film, a devastatingly depressing story full of slaughterhouses and corporate-sanctioned hardcore bareback pig rape, is slightly different than the more family friendly film that was advertised.
“They’re gonna chop off his goddamn head! Who the fuck wrote this? I didn’t sign up for this shit!” said President Trump, sobbing uncontrollably. “It’s not Okja’s fault she’s delicious. That’s just something that happens naturally when you’re a happy, carefree sorta pig. I love that damn super pig! She doesn’t even do anything the entire movie. She’s just fat and falls into things. But I’ll ruin any son of a bitch who messes with her. I’m gonna find that dick scientist from the movie and destroy him in front of everyone!”
A few minutes later, Trump began angrily tweeting at actor Jake Gyllenhaal.
“That pig saved her life, you Swedish fuck hose!” tweeted Trump. “She was gonna fall off a cliff and he saved her! Fuck you, Jake Gyllenhaal! Greedy corporate liberals like you are ruining this planet!”
This strange new viewpoint greatly conflicts with President Trump’s statements in the past. Take this quote from a 2010 interview he did with Entertainment Tonight:
“I’ll be honest. I jerked off to The Cove,” said Trump in the 2010 video. “Seeing all those dolphins being made into tuna, it really got me going. There’s a lotta pink folds of meat. I like things weird. Really weird. You should see the subreddits I’m subscribed to. Absolutely disgusting.”
White House aides said the president’s rage only subsided when the film was turned off. Having completely forgotten where he was for an hour, and also having eaten his own hairpiece during the climax of the film, the president thought it best to retire to bed.
Once in bed, aides say the president simply would not shut up about the film, rambling on and on about pigs, what they like to eat and various facts he looked up about them on the internet. He then instructed aides to create numerous Wikipedia pages for pig-related trivia. White House staffers say they’ve had enough.
“It’s a fake pig, for shit’s sake,” said Mark Ryan, a White House aide. “It’s CGI. It doesn’t exist. I understand that he desperately wishes he weren’t president and were instead a small Asian girl riding a super pig through the forests of South Korea, but join the damn club. There’s actual work that needs doing around here. But hey, what do I know? I’m only paid to listen to inane facts about pigs for three hours every night.”
The film did bring about one moment of personal reflection for President Trump.
“Am I Tilda Swinton?” asked Trump in a rare moment of self reflection. “No, that’s not me. I’m much better looking than her character. Also, I don’t own super pigs. Not yet. I just own people and all their things. If there was a fair price for an Okja, I would consider it. I’m a businessman. I have to go where the opportunities are, so I’d definitely buy in. I love Okja with all my heart. The mere thought of her being harmed made me sob uncontrollably, but she’s a whole lotta food and the movie made a great point about how delicious she is. You know what? Let’s do this. Let’s make it happen. Get it done. Don’t call me again until things are delicious.”