News & Articles

For as long as anyone can remember, people have made fun of millennials. You don’t have jobs. You live with your parents. You love wearing really unattractive eyeglasses. You work eight hours per day as a Lyft driver and then spend an additional four hours streaming professionally on Twitch, and neither of those things are real goddamn jobs you lazy, worthless bastards. 

Long story short, old people don’t understand you. They think you watch actual TV channels and use your phone to call people. To help us understand your generation better, please fill out the following condescending survey. Did I say us? I meant them. I’m really cool. Seriously.

1) Historians often describe millennials as listless, sexless drifters who spend all day getting high and playing video games while their dog sleeps in their lap. Sometimes millennials subsist for months at a time only on bowls of hummus. Are these accusations true? If not, then why the hell not? Feel free to use as many expletives as necessary in your answer.

2) Assuming the description in question 1 is correct, is there any way the rest of us could “get in” on this “action”? I work every day and can confirm that it’s a vastly overrated experience.

3) Why do you say “bro” all the time? If James Franco is forcing you to at gunpoint, blink hard twice. I knew it! That fucker!
4) Capitalism requires citizens to “get ours” even if it means punching fools in the face, drunkenly shouting baseless threats at waiters who make $3 per hour, or throwing a children’s bicycle at our mail carrier to teach him a lesson. This struggle for basic survival is further complicated by an unending corporate army of automated robots built by the rich that are ever so casually threatening the lower class’ very way of life. At this point, shouldn’t we all move back in with our parents and just say “fuck it”?

5) I’ve just eaten a toasted peanut butter and marshmallow creme sandwich. It was really good. Should I refer to this sandwich as “lit” or “fire”? Both sound weird when I say them. This marshmallow sandwich is exceptionally lit! Ugh. I hate 2017.

6) We’re halfway done! Take a breather while I post a rhetorical question: If hundreds of protesters block a highway but only explain the complicated symbolism of the act on social media accounts viewed by other millennials, will the protest make a sound?

7) Why don’t you millennials want to get married? Just take the tax break. That’s the only reason anyone does it. It’s free money, stupid! You don’t have to like the person. A lot of folks just marry ugly people so they can buy more things. You can’t afford a PS4 Pro on your salary. I’m telling you, it’s a damned gold mine.

8) Please choose the show you would be most likely to watch: [1] The Eleventh Hour with Brian Williams, [2] Steve Harvey’s Funderdome, [3] A YouTube trailer for a video game that won’t come out for at least two years, [4] A 45-second animated gif image of a guy lighting a cigarette in the back of his friend’s car immediately after huffing butane, thus igniting him and all his friends on fire.

9) Is Savannah really a widespread name amongst millennials? C’mon. I know it was some flannel hippie from my generation who chose it, but you don’t have to blindly go along with it. Stand up for yourself. 

10) Does the social media phrase “YT” mean “whitey”? If so, it’s about time. The slur for Caucasians hasn’t been updated in years. A little kid referred to me as “Casper” once, which I initially took to mean that I was friendly. It was confusing to say the least, so pretty much anything would be a generous improvement at this point.

11) I’ve noticed that cheaper vapes look like Bob Barker’s microphone on The Price is Right, while fancier ones look like a weird, girthy robot penis. Is one type less douchey than the other, and if so, will I still look like I drive a Fiat and own an anime body pillow every time I inhale?

12) If I paid you fourteen dollars, could you just tell me what’s cool? It’s all I have. Don’t give me that look, like your dad just asked you to “download him on the 411”. Just tell me what’s cool. You’ve already read through ten questions of this survey, so you’re invested in it whether you like it or not. Just tell me what the cool kids are into. I won’t tell anybody who isn’t lit. Is it the fidgey spooners that were on the news?

13) Seriously though, eat as many of those toasted peanut butter and marshmallow creme sandwiches as you can. I mean, what are you, like 24? Jesus. Just start shoveling them into your mouth. You don’t have much time left. Trust me, the crap hits the fan pretty suddenly on that perk.