Crayola unveils new crayon color, seduces your mom

For the first time in four thousand years, Crayola has added a color to their crayon box. The latest addition is a brilliant pinkish-mauve color affectionately named “pussyflaps”. This new color will be sliding in and out of everyone’s box this fall.

The new hue replaces “Goatse Bluewaffle”, a less popular color that was banned by the Russian government in March. Previous Crayola crayons retired for ethical purposes include “Jizzberry”, “Lemony Dicket”, “Hitler’s Menstruation” and “<====3”. 

The scene at Crayola headquarters in Lehigh Valley, Pennsylvania was vibrant following Friday’s new color announcement, with employees so filled with joy that many could only satisfy their crayon lust by overturning cars and smashing neighborhood storefronts. Nearly 40 vehicles were overturned and lit on fire by lunchtime, and dozens of storefronts have been looted of all non-pussyflaps colored items. The phrase “Pussyflaps 4 LYFE” was also shaved into the butt of 17 different stray cats.

Later that evening, when spirits were high and the wine of the celebration flowed freely, Crayola President Smith Holland was seen leading your mother by the hand to the master bedroom of his lavish grotto. As the two entered, Holland was overheard whispering “Unwrap the Burnt Sienna from my stiff Periwinkle” into her ear.

While fan response to the new color has been almost unanimously positive, some experts weren’t impressed. Accusations ranged from misogyny to blatant racism, but one message was clear and consistent across all communities.

“I feel like there are better names for a crayon,” said Ned Turdson, Palette Confidant for New York MOMA. “I mean, pussyflaps? It sounds like something Kanye West would name his daughter. While it’s certainly a beautiful name for the child of an unhinged celebrity or an automobile, the usability is otherwise lacking. It’s not 1968 anymore. There just aren’t that many people using crayons to draw vaginas these days.”

Gynecologist Hilary Swint added professional expertise to the discussion. She doesn’t think Crayola is doing a very good job of representing worldwide vagina palettes.

“Pinkish-mauve? Kind of a cop-out, don’t you think?” said Swint. “They’re clearly trying to cover multiple races with one crayon, and this laziness isn’t fooling anyone. They need to create a whole box of colors where each crayon is named for a race, with the corresponding color matching their exact Pantone color of labia majora. That’s the only way the world will be able to move on from this vagina crayon holocaust.”

Meanwhile, in the dense opus of President Holland’s personal grotto, fields of beautiful flora in every color of the Crayola rainbow surrounded the pair as they shed their clothing to reveal their thistle-colored #EBB0D7 hexadecimal skin. As he placed his hand on your mother’s waist, she shivered with anticipated ecstasy. “Come with me and you’ll see my Purple Mountains’ Majesty [Pantone 0631C],” said Holland, using clever crayon-themed rhymes as a seduction tool. “Open your mouth and close your eyes, and I promise a Goldenrod [Pantone 135C] surprise.” 

Despite strong backlash from critics, Crayola’s fans have been overjoyed with the new color. Kelsey Dorkmuncher of Raleigh, North Carolina is perhaps the color's biggest fan.

“Sometimes I like to place tracing paper over comic book pages and use crayons to draw the characters naked,” said Dorkmuncher, rubbing her hand along her own thigh throughout the interview. “I’ve got a stack of heavily used Wonder Woman comics just waiting for that new crayon. Do you have a restroom I can use for a few minutes?”

Even Crayola's former employees love the new color. Travis Bernard, a janitor who was fired for drinking on the job, believes he even invented the pussyflaps color.

“While cleaning Crayola's toilets, I always strived to keep my color palettes innovative and on trend,” said Bernard, repeating a series of buzzwords he overheard while walking past a marketing meeting filled with insufferable douchebags. “One day I accidentally dropped a blue urinal cake in a toilet that already included a myriad of naturally occurring colors, and there it was. The previously undiscovered color was absolutely breathtaking.”

Bernard plans to sue Crayola for $783 billion. 

Back at the Crayola Pleasure Grotto, free from the burdens of any court of law, President Holland looked deeply into your mom's eyes. It was his crayon she was here to celebrate, and your mother was a gift he was eager to unwrap. Holland’s butler quietly provided additional towels in the background as the two simultaneously reached their apex. 

“My Raw Umber [Pantone 7553C] is peaking!” shouted Holland, his face as flush and throbbing as English Vermillion [Pantone 703C]. “Close your eyes, reader’s mom! Here comes the Jazzberry Jam [Pantone 215C]!”

Love them or hate them, it's clear that pussyflaps are here to stay.

Crayola has not responded to comment on this article, despite numerous requests.