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Prom is a special time of year. I mean, not for adults who have real lives, but for kids stuck in a tiny sandbox that better represents incarceration than adulthood, it’s probably special. Here’s a few tips to help you navigate this fruitless and somewhat patronizing event created and planned entirely by old people who don’t have to attend it.
• Prom is not the time to experiment with radical new hairstyles. Instead, go with something classic and sophisticated, like shaving half your head, dyeing the other half neon pink and writing “PEPE NO NAZI” in magic marker on your skull.
• Ladies, if you’re worried your date might get a little handsy, avoid this problem with an early show of dominance. The moment your date opens the car door for you, sucker punch him in the groin as hard as you can. It’s a warning shot his genitalia won’t forget later in the evening when he’s simultaneously drunk, high and thundering through a cocaine-fueled rage.
• Take photos of your friends barfing in a parking lot before the dance and use them for blackmail. They may have been your best friends a week ago, but high school’s over now. There’s only enough jobs for one-fourth of your class, and breaking their spirit is the most efficient way to win.
• Two weeks before prom, ask your date the color of her dress so you’ll know what shade of codpiece to wear. If her eyes are brown, a bronze or coral codpiece will really complement her features.
• When your father told you to “bring protection” to prom, he meant a condom not his hunting rifle. Though to be fair, the rifle is impressive. He keeps it very clean and well-maintained, and a rural gal will appreciate that.
• Is it 9pm? Good! Ladies, it’s once again time to remind your date who’s in charge. Once he’s engaged in a conversation with friends, position yourself behind him and violently thrust the entirety of your fibula into his crotch. If you hear a cracking sound, you’ve performed the maneuver correctly. Again, don’t feel bad about your actions. This is necessary training. He won’t know that what you’re doing is good for him, but seven drinks later when he thinks the cat is a cop, the dog is Indiana Jones and your ladyparts are an amusement park, this workshopping will train him to proceed gingerly.
• Dennis Kempton of Duluth has generously offered to throw a wop party in his backyard for any wayward youths in need of getting liquored up. Private message him on Facebook for details. If he doesn’t reply, he’s asked that you please re-send your message every hour until he responds.
• Make sure to reserve a limo early, otherwise all the ones with machine guns and ejector seats will be gone and you’ll have to settle for a boring limo with a jacuzzi and a bar. Snore.
• Chivalry is not dead, and that’s why it’s important to wash your taint. That’s not really a prom tip, but I’m old and didn’t even go to my high school prom, so I’m not really in the position to be giving advice about this sort of nonsense.
• If you’re fortunate enough to get lucky, make sure to thank them profusely via eight or nine text messages the following day. People love that.
• Is it 11pm? Great! Ladies, it’s time for one final training exercise with your date. Take the hardcover AP trigonometry textbook you stashed under one of the seats in the limo, and just when things are getting hot and heavy, tell him to close his eyes. When he does, retrieve the book and slam it down on his crotch as hard as you can. At this point it’s really just random assault that accomplishes nothing, but it’s still fun.
• If you weren’t able to find a date for the dance, remember that prom is stupid and only stupid, dumb idiots would take part in such a stupid idiot activity. Drinking cans of Molson with your mom is what all the really cool people are doing anyway.
• Keep in mind that prom is the most important night that will ever exist in your entire life and everything must be absolutely perfect and if even one hair is out of place or it’s too windy or the waiter is ugly or your corsage smells like the dog or the dance songs are edited for radio play or your outfit doesn’t match perfectly then it’s all ruined and your life will be worthless for the rest of eternity and you might as well lock yourself in your room forever until you die old and alone and filled with spiteful regret and bitterness and covered by fire ants. So don’t screw this up.