Nation’s fascination with balls begins anew

Spring has sprung and the liquid fertilizer that is the 2017 Minnesota Twins are kinda sorta ready for a new season! Join us in a magical journey to the turd-colored snowbanks of Minneapolis in April and witness first-hand the bizarre “major league team” where eight of their nine starting players were part-time JC Penney employees over the holidays.

Since few people follow AA minor league baseball, let’s provide a little background info for each of your very, very, very talented 2017 Twins:

Brian Dozier, 2B
Born deep in the forests of Aokigahara, hidden by the shadow of Mt. Fuji, Brian “Suicide Forest” Dozier is the only player on the team who actually belongs in the major leagues. He hit 42 home runs last year, but he’s fast so he’s the leadoff hitter. Yep. 42 home runs. Our #3 hitter hasn’t hit a ball in the air since 2012, but let’s all just trust in the wise judgment of the management who got the team here in the first place.

Jorge Polanco, SS
Just north of Chapultepec Park, glittering Polanco serves as a playground for Mexico City’s rich and famous. Businessmen, politicians and social elites sip, dine and shop along Polanco’s luxury lane and sleep in its colonial mansions. It’s all fun and games, but unless you’re somebody you should prepare for some challenges - valet parking is obligatory, dress code is most definitely enforced and reservations are always required.  (Information courtesy of Airbnb)

Joe Mauer, 1B
Once a Hall of Fame caliber player, Mauer is now known to most Minnesotans as a crippled pile of dusty farts whose outrageous salary keeps the Twins from putting together a real team. Thanks to the owners refusing to surround him in the lineup with anyone even remotely talented, Mauer has spent the last few seasons becoming an expert at hitting junk pitches directly into the ground. He will likely spend his last two years with the Twins not knowing what a fastball looks like before joining free agency and immediately returning to his all-star form for a much better team. 

Miguel Sano, 3B
With the fifth most strikeouts in the league last year, Sano is easily the top pitcher in the Twins rotation. Striking out 178 batters in only his second major league season, Sano is predicted by many to one day have his pitching skills recognized by the Hall of Fame.

Max Kepler, RF
Widely considered to be the Twins most likely candidate for a breakout year in 2017, Kepler will undoubtedly spend the next three seasons almost being good but not really and then being traded to a National League team where he blossoms. The Delmon Young is dead, long live the Delmon Young.

Byron Buxton, CF
One of six Twins starters with a career batting average of .220, Buxton has been physically unable to hit or bunt since birth. Doctors have tried in vain to identity his mysterious illness, which only allows him to run, throw and field. Though dazzling to watch, he is ultimately worthless to fantasy baseball players, and therefore worthless to the sport itself.

Eddie Rosario, LF
Blessed with bizarre facial hair that makes it appear as if he got into a political argument with his barber, Rosario unfortunately bats as well as he shaves. 

Robbie Grossman, DH
Teased his entire childhood for having “gross” in his last name, the resulting angst and a chance accident with plutonium allowed Grossman to develop superpowers. Sadly, not all superpowers are created equal. Unlike Captain America or Spiderman, Grossman’s powers only allow him to hit .280 with 11 home runs as a designated hitter. Before the powers, Grossman could only hit .270 with 9 home runs.

Jason Castro, C
A 57-year-old truck driver from Fulton, MS, Castro met Twins owner Jim Pohlad at a rest area in Iowa, where they discovered a mutual love of Lisa Frank notebooks. Quickly becoming best friends, the two bonded over their sparkle folder collections. After Pohlad learned Castro was only making $37k annually driving trucks, he offered him the catcher position with the Minnesota Twins. That’s why he batted .210 last year. It has to be. If you can think up a better reason why a grown-ass professional baseball player would bat .210, be my guest. Y’know what? Fine. Write your own column, then. I don’t need this crap. They’re gonna suck. We’re not the Royals. We’re not bouncing back anytime soon. Just stop watching them. That’s the only way the Pohlads will learn to spend more than $8 in free agency. Fun fact: most of that $8 budget was spent on Pohlad’s lunch at Wendy’s. He snuck the cost of his meal into the total. Everything you know and love is a bald-faced lie and nothing’s all right. Damned Twins, screwing up my life every summer. There has to be a better sport to get drunk to at this time of year.