News & Articles

Trump to Build Mar-a-Lago Club on Madeline Island

In an unexpected move, President Donald Trump has purchased much of Madeline Island for an undisclosed sum. Trump plans on revamping the island and it’s golf course into an exclusive high-end Mar-a-Lago style club. The members only club will include the use of the formal and casual dining areas, the Trump Spa and Salon, the pool, the Beach Club, breathtaking guest rooms and exclusive suites, a state-of the-art-fitness center, award winning tennis courts, beautiful croquet lawns and an entertainment series which will host internationally world-renowned talent.

Trump indicated that the island will make a perfect place for him to golf and entertain guests in the summer months. “This club, it’s going to be the best club. No one up here has ever seen a club like this. For those who can afford it, it will be second to none. Florida is too hot in the summer, I can’t wait to feel the cool breeze coming off of Lake Superior as I try out my new golf clubs.” 

Bayfield Mayor, Gordon Ringberg, had mixed feelings about the move. “While Bayfield and Madeline Island already have accommodations that are quite fancy, this area also has a lot of dining and activities that is affordable to many. To make an exclusive club on the island is going to make it nearly impossible for a family or people who are not well off to enjoy the island. If they can’t afford to go to the island, then many might skip Bayfield all together. Of course there will be big spenders going to the club, but if they just use the club and don’t spend around the community, the only person who is going to be making money will be Trump.”

Trump plans on making the island a regular stop during the summer and due to security reasons, a large portion of the island will be closed to the general public. “Melania plans on spending a lot of time on the island,” said Trump. “She looks forward to having a whole beach to herself to take morning walks.” Trump believes that the club will benefit the area, “there are already a lot of people who work on the island during the summer, now they will be working for me. If they do a good job and take care of my guests, then they won’t have to worry about me saying those two words; 

‘you’re fired.’ It’s a great opportunity for employees working at the club to be around some very important people. Also, if they want to enjoy the island, I’ll have one day every summer where employees can have access to the beach.”
Construction will begin in April, the island will be mostly closed throughout the summer for the sprawling club to be built and will officially open the summer of 2018. 

Cat to Enter Race For Superior Mayor

Some may have heard of “Duke” the dog mayor of Cormorant, Minnesota who has won three consecutive terms. Now meet Mr. Winky, a four year old male tabby from Billings Park. “Mr. Winky has been very interested in politics his whole life. He was been especially interested in the last presidential election. He watched all the debates. I think he would have voted for Bernie Sanders. He hissed at the television when Trump would speak and always seemed rather uninterested in Hillary, but he always perked up when Bernie spoke,” said owner Sandra McGillicutty. 

Mr. Winky is loved by his neighbors and patrols the several blocks around his house. “He’s very concerned about his neighborhood and if he used his caring personality for all of Superior, I think he can make a lot of positive change for the city,” Said McGillicutty. 
Mr. Winky entered the race late, but can be written in on the ballot for the election to be held on April 4. 

CHUD Found in Duluth’s Underground Tunnels

In a series of disturbing developments, several reports of Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers (CHUD) have popped up in Duluth. Several dogs have gone missing near the Chester Creek Drain, and on March 29, two utility workers were attacked by creatures in the tunnels that were described as monstrous human like beings with sharp teeth and glowing eyes. 

Two workers went into the tunnels for some routine maintenance with only one to return.  The worker to come back from the alleged assault is Jeffery Jackson. “Clem and I were just doing some work in one of the tunnels. He went to go check on some pipes further down and then I heard him yelling. That was weird because there shouldn’t be anyone else down there except us. I ran down the tunnel and that’s when I heard him start screaming. I turned the corner and these monster creatures were carrying Clem away. They weren’t human, I went to run and get help, but we got back there and there was no sign of Clem except for his flashlight that was still turned on. The police don’t believe me and are calling it a missing persons case, but I know those things ate Clem! I can’t get his screams out of my head!” 

The Duluth Police Department says they are still looking into the worker’s disappearance and urge people to stay away from the tunnels but haven’t confirmed that CHUD are living in the tunnels. 

Chief Tusken Blames Jim Carlson for Shootings in Duluth

After a rash of shootings in Duluth in recent weeks, Police Chief Tusken say he knows who is responsible for the violence. “It’s time that Jim Carlson be stopped once and for all. The community has had too much, I’ve had too much. Carlson and his store The Last Place on Earth are nothing but a menace and the products he sells are the reason we’re seeing things like this,” said Chief Tusken. 

When asked how Carlson was responsible for the shootings since he is in prison and his store has been shut down, Chief Tusken stared blankly and then continued, “Jim Carlson is selling these synthetic drugs and it’s making people go crazy. How many years will the community have to suffer before Carlson kills again? He deserves to be in prison! I will continue the legacy of Gordon Ramsay to stop Carlson and this insanity!” 

We contacted Jim Carlson about Tusken’s statements, “he knows I’m in prison, right? I’ve lost everything and I might die in here. Not everything wrong in Duluth was my fault. I mean maybe there was short period of time where everything was my fault, but not now,” said Carlson
In follow up statements after apparently finding out Carlson is in prison, Chief Tusken stated, “I don’t know how he’s doing it, but Carlson and his synthetic drugs are without a doubt causing these shootings. It wouldn’t doubt that the tunnels below Duluth have something to do with it.”

Belknap Construction Expected to take up to 20 years

If you have a child take a good look at them because by the time the construction on Belknap Street is finished, that sweet young child will be a jaded adult that will make you wonder where you went wrong. The construction on Belknap will likely take up to 20 years. “We’re hoping for it to be done within 15 years, but it’s looking like it might take up to 20. We just want to make sure the community knows that once this project is done, we won’t have to tear up the street again for at least five years,” said City Councilor Dan Olson. 

While the project is going on the city hopes people who live beyond Belknap will drive through Oliver when coming from Duluth. “We don’t know how this is going to work, it will probably involve driving for miles around the construction, and if you’re a tourist, hahaha! Good luck with that. If there’s a train and you’re stuck between the tracks and Belknap, that’s just going to suck. We suggest that people really don’t go anywhere near that area for a fair number of years,” added Olson. 

Creepy Misanthrope Oddly Excited to become an Uber Driver

With the recent decision by the Duluth City Council to allow Uber and Lyft in the area, local psychopath curmudgeon, Daniel Willams, is hopeful to get a side job taking people where they need to go. “I generally hate people, but I think being an Uber driver would allow me to reach out to the community and make a little money on the side. I’ve mostly isolated myself for years, but to share my beliefs on the rise of Cthulu and bringing back human sacrifice, I really think I’ll be able to connect with people,” said Williams. 

Williams who drives a windowless black Dodge B-series van says that he can accommodate several passengers. “Let’s say you’re having a girl’s night out, I can swing by in the ol’ Dan Van and make sure the ladies have a great time. I’ll even stick around and wait for them while they’re in the bar. While I totally hate everyone, including myself, I plan on making customer service a priority. I’ve cleaned up my place of evidence…I mean junk…to have people over for drinks with me. I might even just throw in the ride for free if someone is down to party. As long as they do everything I say, I think they’ll learn to appreciate that I’m a God and they are scum. When their eyes are opened to my powers, that’s where things will get really fun,” said Williams.