News & Articles

Orchids: To Leonard at Whole Foods for bringing my groceries to my car. His service is above and beyond, as always!

Orchids: To the Beaverton Brown High School Band at this weekend’s horse spooning festival for their excellent rendition of Loretta Lynn’s song “You’re the Reason Our Kids are Ugly”. It was a treat for all of us in attendance!

Onions: To Kenneth Barsley from Owatonna. You don’t nut in someone’s mouth on the first date. That’s third date stuff. You owe me two dinners! No White Castle or sandwich places.

Onions: To President Obama for not responding to my four-year-old daughter’s letter. It shouldn’t matter how many swastikas I drew all over the stationary, or how many times I wrote “HILLARY’S FACE IS SATAN’S SCROTUM” on the envelope. All the children who write him get a form letter back. What is my daughter, chopped liver? Is she merely dingle dangles from Satan’s scrotum? Disappointing.

Orchids: To the city council for not saying anything when I arrived to last week’s meeting not wearing pants. I feel more at ease with the legislative process sans pants. The cool evening breeze on my tattered Fruit of the Looms was invigorating. My apologies for the uncomfortableness during the water conservation panel discussion. I was daydreaming about an old girlfriend from high school and things just popped up.

Onions: To Marcos for mailing me weed via the postal service instead of Fedex. That’s an amateur move, Marcos! You want me to get busted or something? You need to think things through before you do them, Marcos! This was supposed to be on the down-low! (submitted by Larry Cosgrove of International Falls)

Orchids: To myself, for knitting a lovely birthday sweater for my grandson George. He didn’t bother to send a thank you note, so I figured he wanted me to thank myself here in the newspaper, in front of the entire community, WHERE ALL SHALL BE SHAMED. No need to call or write a thank you, George. Your sick old granny is just sitting here dying slowly by herself, imprisoned in a post-retirement life that offers only tired game shows and endless infomercials reminding me how quickly I’m going to die. But don’t hassle yourself or anything, George. Goddamn kids. Anyone born after 1980 should be tossed in a fire. Don’t print that last part, please. Thank you.

Orchids: To Patricia Tootles for showing me how to install Kodi on my Amazon Fire Stick so I can watch pirated TV shows and movies. She’s coming back this weekend to show me how to view German porn on it! Thank the Lord that our community has kind souls like Patricia who care about the things that really matter in life.

Onions: To Maude Chortly of Mountain Glen for claiming the annual pull tabs festival isn’t family friendly. As promised in the newspaper ad, there was one small fenced-in area for children and dogs that need to poop.

Onions: To the liquor stores in St. Louis County. Someone has been selling Strawberry Hill Boone’s Farm to my husband. He’s 47 years old, for God’s sake! He should be drinking whiskey. You will be caught sooner or later, so cut it out!

Orchids: To everyone who supported the Lennox High School girls swim team this weekend with their car wash. They made enough to fund their trip! Onions: To the writer for the Duluth Reader who drove into the car wash drunk with his penis showing. I don’t care if the air conditioning in your car is broken or not. It is not appropriate for you to keep doing this every year, Mr. Ryan.

Orchids: To the police department for not shooting us this week, and to the white folk of the region for not asking us whether we moved here from Chicago to sell drugs. Sincerely, The Seven African Americans Who Live in Northern Minnesota.

Onions: To the bus driver who kicked me out this morning. I’m not a “vape dad”, I’m just a guy carrying a newborn baby who happens to be stoned all the time. Stop making me seem uncool.

Onions: To White Castle, not because they did anything wrong but because I like onions on my burgers.

Onions: The stinkiest ever to Paul Ryan of the Duluth Reader for stealing our “Orchids & Onions” feature. I heard that piece of shit will even steal the drunk off an Irishman if you turn your back long enough. Consider the warning shots fired, deadbeat! (submitted by Mesabi Daily News of Virginia, MN)