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Fred Dewey, local father of two, was a bit disappointed after watching Finding Dory, the summer’s latest blockbuster film. While the plot, musical accompaniment and directing were excellent, he felt it lacked the adult appeal that so many parents and Pixar fans have raved about.

“Everybody claims Pixar movies are as enjoyable for adults as they are for kids, so where are the tits?” said Dewey, bringing up a very legitimate and groundbreaking question that may shake our very nation at its core. “I’m tired of these movies where people say it will entertain adults but then there’s no cursing, violence or nudity. I didn’t see the fish drinking coffee or doing their taxes. What’s so damned adult about it? I might as well watch the aquarium at the pet store for two hours.”

Like most dads, Dewey believes every excellent film could be improved by adding enormous jiggling boobs. Examples given include Casino Royale, which was PG-13 but showed ample cleavage from its bosomy female characters, and Philadelphia, the 1993 film about AIDS that won Tom Hanks an Academy Award.

“Casino Royale, now there was a PG-13 movie with some action,” said Dewey, positioning his hands as if he were holding two juicy watermelons against his chest. “That lady with the huge boobs! I don’t know her name, but she’s my favorite actress. Why wasn’t she in Finding Dory? And that Philadelphia movie would have been a real bummer if they hadn’t spiced it up a bit by showing Tom Hanks’ balls. The Academy really should have presented the Oscar to his balls.”

Dewey also believes last summer’s Jurassic World - which made $1.67 billion worldwide - could have made twice that amount simply by adding some sleek, subtle nudity.

“Everybody’s running in that movie all the time,” said Dewey. “They run away from dinosaurs, they run away from birds, thousands of panicking people flee the theme park all at the same time. With all that running and falling over, you’re telling me not one boob’s gonna pop out by accident? Not even a nip slip? It’s unrealistic. I’m tired of Hollywood taking creative liberties with their movies.”

According to Dewey, Finding Dory would have been much more interesting if Dory had been a sexy but clumsy pizza delivery driver who showed up at an equally sexy lady stranger’s door. When Dory drops the customer’s pizza, other arrangements would have to be made to cover the loss. Sexy arrangements. A well-timed fade out would obscure all the hardcore undersea butt slapping action.

Disney actually has a long history of adding adult imagery to their animated films. The Little Mermaid had a secretive penis drawn into the castle on the VHS box art, Hercules had a few frames of animation where a princess wasn’t wearing underwear, Who Framed Roger Rabbit had a split second shot of Jessica Rabbit’s vajay, and The Rescuers had a topless woman in a window that could only be seen if the film was paused at the right time. It’s only fair for Dewey - and all Americans - to demand to know why Finding Dory has abandoned the surging pervert market.

“Why is this Dory broad such a prude?” said Dewey, discussing an animated fish designed to represent a brain damaged 6-year-old girl. “I’ve got Blu-Ray. What am I supposed to watch after the kids go to bed? These damn discs are like $30. I’ve been going through that first Nemo movie frame by frame, and there are no fish vaginas whatsoever.”

Dewey argues that Disney’s hiring practices are to blame. It’s a well-known scientific fact that the world’s most talented and creative animators are all hideous perverts, and drawing is the only way to control the release of their deviant thoughts. Without animation jobs, the majority of Disney artists would spend their time installing hidden cameras in truck stop restrooms or sexually violating produce at their local supermarket.

Experts agree that there’s a direct correlation between recent increases in domestic terrorism and the lack of intimidatingly erect penises hidden inside Disney films. Professionals in the industry estimate Guantanamo Bay prison may hold at least two or three classic children’s films worth of creative perversion in a single wing of the facility.

Dewey is even a bit antsy himself. He worries that if the drought of creepy animation continues, he may have to start feeding his demons by robbing liquor stores or micturating into tupperware and mailing it to the president.

“Mainstream internet porn is boring and lame,” said Dewey. “I only bop to the mouse. What fun is nudity if you don’t have to work for seven hours to see it, excruciatingly moving a DVD frame by frame? How do people not get this? It’s time to get those jiggly bits back where they belong: In cartoons aimed at children.”