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Bernie Sanders isn’t giving up on his fight for the Democratic nomination, but eyebrows are raising this week as he also announced a 90 percent off sale on apparel. Sanders tried to downplay the significance.
“There are a lot of people out there who say I should drop out of the race,” said Sanders. “Well, let me be as clear as I can be. I’m in it until the last ballot is cast, but these 2016 Bernie t-shirts need to go. We produced a lot of them, our overhead is not looking good. I’m still in the race, and I still plan to win, but these t-shirts are done. Not me. Just the shirts. Ninety percent off. Everybody wears t-shirts. That’s what they told me. I didn’t ask a lot of questions. I may have been misled. Ninety percent off. Tell your Bernie Buddies.”
While a 90 percent off sale is usually a universal sign of being completely screwed, Sanders claims he just has a great eye for deals and overbought.
 “We believe we are in a very strong position to sell these remaining Bernie baby bibs and we have an excellent chance to sell in California, the state with far and away the most number of delegates,” said Sanders. “Ninety percent off. Just the bibs. Not me, I’m still 100 percent not for sale and 140 percent running for president. If winning the Democratic nomination weren’t mathematically possible, then why would I still have all these baby bibs? It would have been silly to order this many 2016 Bernie Sanders for President high quality 100% cotton baby bibs if I were out of the running.”
Skeptics aren’t convinced, pointing out that even premium sexytime Bernie apparel like lingerie and cameltoe-friendly pants are discounted, which wouldn’t happen if the campaign weren’t in trouble.
“Selling these Bernie Sanders 2016 hot pants is a tough road to climb, but not an impossible road to climb,” said Sanders. “We intend to fight for every pair of hot pants in front of us and every remaining tuchas that may be covered by them. Ninety percent off. Pretty decent deal for hot pants. I tried to give some to my wife, she only wanted one pair. That was enough for her. I told her to stock up, maybe put six or seven pairs in the drawer and not think about them for a few years, get a few more moved out of inventory. She shut that down pretty quick. No luck for your old friend Bernie. Not a lot of hot pants in my future. But maybe other people’s lady or man friends like hot pants. I told Speaker Paul Ryan he could buy a few dozen, maybe use his car keys to scrape my name off or wear them inside out. He’s a young guy, he can still fit into those. Ninety percent off. Again, not too bad of a price if you’re looking to get into hot pants or start a business reselling them.”
Some felt the deal seemed a little too good. Sanders still has a slim chance to beat Clinton, but he’d not only need superdelegates in the states he won to vote for him, but also superdelegates in states Hillary Clinton won. Sanders ignored the criticism.
“I would hope very much that the superdelegates from those states where we have won with big margins respect the wishes of the people in those states by buying some of these Bernie 2016 golf towels,” said Sanders. “There are not as many golfers amongst us as I thought. I’ve heard the game isn’t as popular as it used to be, but I heard that information too late. The order had already been placed. I tried to cancel, but the man at the factory didn’t answer my calls until a few days later when they had already printed them. I feel like he may have done that on purpose. He has an order, it’s a lot of golf towels, there aren’t a lot of people ordering golf towels anymore. I felt like the calls I made went to voicemail much faster than usual, as if he maybe sent my calls there after one or two rings instead of the usual five to six rings that come with a missed call. I don’t want to make it a thing, but . . . well, it’s not important. The golf towels are here, they say my name on them, they’re yours if you want them. Ninety percent off. Let me reiterate, I’m still in the race for the presidency, but these golf towels are also brave underdogs that are in need of your assistance.”
Current estimates show Sanders losing by a slim margin at July’s Democratic Convention. Sanders supporters plan to push for a contested nomination and may even attempt to disrupt the process, potentially dividing the Democratic party further. Sanders dismissed any discussion about Trump gaining leverage, saying there are more important things for superdelegates to consider at the moment.
“It is incumbent on every superdelegate to take a hard and objective look at these 2016 Bernie Sanders Fleshlights,” said Sanders. “I bought seven of them myself, and I don’t even know what they are. They seem neat. Fun for kids. Stick your finger in there, see if you can get it out. The packaging says they’re shaped like Asa Akira. I don’t know what that is, but it sounds aerodynamic. Space age squishy fun, I’ve been told. They have my name on the side, listing the current year. I don’t take donations from corporations, so it’s going to be very hard to get rid of these. Secretary Clinton can just hand out her Fleshlights to all the executives at the corporations that fund her. They can take two or three each and bring some home to their spouse and kids. I can’t do that. I’m asking for everyone to give a helping hand. Ninety percent off. Please tell your friends. I’m a wonderful man, but I’m really grasping at straws here.”