News & Articles

Wolves adopt new tactics

After reports that wolves attacked a dog at Brighton Beach and a deer in Lester Park, city officials warned residents that wolves were moving even further into Duluth—and that their hunting tactics were growing more sophisticated.
“One young girl in Lincoln Park came home to find a wolf in her living room,” biologist Skeeter O’Doyle told the city council. “It was wearing a long dress and rocking back and forth in an easy chair. At first the girl thought it was her grandmother, but its eyes seemed too big. When she mentioned this, the wolf told the girl that it used its big eyes to see her better—so we know they can speak English, which is rare for a wild animal. The wolf then leaped at the girl, and tragedy was only averted when a Denfeld Hunters football player rushed in and chased the wolf away, having heard the girl’s cries.”
O’Doyle urged citizens to exercise caution. “If you notice that your grandmother is hairier than usual, don’t take any chances. Get an ax, cut her open, and fill her full of stones. It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Following O’Doyle’s comments, three little pigs approached the microphone to ask if the city had any extra bricks they could spare.

Large carnivores weigh in on zoo

In other business, city councilors discussed plans for the Lake Superior Zoo, which consultants have recommended reducing in size. Several of the zoo’s residents were signed up to speak on the issue. The brown bear, snow leopard and African lion gathered together at the lectern to address the council.
“I think we could eliminate quite a few exhibits with no loss of quality,” declared the bear, breathing heavily into the microphone. “I would just like to say that I would be very happy to help. You know those juicy little wallabies that are always hopping around in their enclosure like popcorn? I could help with those.”
“I’ve heard visitors talking about the llamas,” said the lion. “They’re not as popular as you think. Seriously, nobody likes them. You could really improve the zoo’s image by getting rid of them. I could do it in a couple of hours.”
“Think of the savings,” urged the snow leopard. “Moving animals to another zoo would take time, effort and money, whereas if you just left a gate open here or there, you could solve the problem at no cost to Duluth residents. I’ve heard people say they wish the zoo would get rid of the barnyard exhibit altogether—especially the sheep and goats. Let me show you how.”
“Don’t forget the gumdrops,” said the bear.
“The gumdrops?” asked council president Zack Filipovich, looking puzzled.
“He means the prairie dogs,” said the snow leopard. “That’s what we call them.”
“We need to think outside the box,” said the lion, “—or the cage, as it were. You know, sometimes people have pets that they just can’t care for anymore. We could do a promotion where people get half-price admission if they bring in a cat or dog for the lion. It would definitely help out with the zoo’s food bill, and observing Fido interact with the natural world would be very educational for children. It’s a win-win, without a doubt.”
At the mention of children, councilors nodded enthusiastically and approved everything.

Trolls support goat ordinance

Next, the council considered modifying city code to allow people to keep goats inside city limits. Several trolls shambled into council chambers to voice their support.
“This is long overdue,” said Glarg Mwarggh, who lives under a Tischer Creek bridge with his wives and imps. “It’s been decades since we’ve heard the sound of hooves tripping overhead.”
Rralggh Blaargh, resident of a Chester Park footbridge, approached the lectern next. “My children have grown up eating chipmunks and sparrows. Sometimes they eat one another. It’s not right. Biologically, trolls thrive on goats. I’m salivating just thinking about it.”
“I see that,” said president Filipovich. “You’ve produced quite a puddle.”
“Actually,” replied Blaargh, looking down, “that’s not mine. Glarg left that there.”
“It’s not saliva,” Glarg called from the back of the room. “Trolls are very territorial.”

Emerald ash borers protest treatment
 
In other business, the council discussed what to do about invasive emerald ash borer beetles, which were recently discovered on Park Point. Forester
Gibby Haynes explained that the city could cut down ash trees to slow the beetles’ spread, or else they could inject individual trees with an insecticide to kill the beetles. Piled up on benches and window sills around the room, 23,598 emerald ash borers followed the discussion intently, their shiny compound eyes shifting from speaker to speaker; afterwards, several hundred beetles addressed the council with their own concerns.
“I love Duluth,” said Jkkknklia Fzzkkkklxxxkk, perched on the microphone. “My husband loves Duluth. My 173 children were born in Duluth. And yet Duluth has done nothing but persecute us since we arrived—eliminating our food sources, destroying our homes, running media smears against us.”
“Yes, we arrived from another continent and spread across the USA,” said MkkLzzzzkkk Fzzkkkklxxxkk. “Just like most of your ancestors.” He pointed legs at several city councilors and officials. “You think we destroy diversity? Take a look at yourselves. Hanson, Hansen, Larson, Parson, Anderson, Johnson…I daresay this pasty white burg could use a little color—green, for instance.”
“You people bend over backwards for monarch butterflies and bumblebees, but as soon as an emerald ash borer shows up, you want to kill us all,” clicked Mrrrxxglglgxk Pchchkllock, Jr. “Well, excu-u-u-u-se us if we’re not as fluttery and cute as other bugs. This is discrimination, plain and simple.” “What’s your biggest complaint?” demanded Vvvkkkllgqa Kkkkkxxxxkkxx. “Our kids eat, a few trees die. Is a dead tree so awful? What do you think your own houses are made of?  Talk about a double standard. Maybe we should start controlling your numbers.”
This inflammatory statement elicited a cheer from a ball of larvae writhing in the back of the room, prompting president Filipovich to issue a plea for decorum. “Please, people,” he begged, “—I mean coleopterans—if you cannot abide by the rules of civility, I will have the custodial staff clear the room”—several councilors suddenly jumped up and began hopping from foot to foot, giggling weirdly and slapping at their trouser legs—“with their vacuums!”

Spirit Mountain floats new plan

Officials at the Spirit Mountain ski area recently announced a plan to add flavoring and color to their snow to draw visitors.
“Now that we have the new water line, it will be easy,” enthused executive director Brandy Ream. “Imagine snowboarders catching air on a lime-flavored halfpipe—and then eating it!” Ream said that they will start with orange, grape and cherry for the ski runs, and add more flavors based on visitor feedback. She said certain flavors will be avoided. “We could do banana or lemon, and it would taste delicious, but we don’t want to become famous for our yellow snow. I could see some problems marketing that.

”Consultant studies need for consultants

Concerned by what seems to be an increasing reliance on consultants for all aspects of city business, the city council recently hired a consultant to study the issue. Under the $80,000 contract, Shari Green of Municipal
Solutions will analyze city operations and produce a report with a minimum of fifteen bar graphs, nine pie charts, and a narrative that includes the words “drill down,” “metrics” and “ducks in a row.”

School board considers new playground mulch

After hearing from parents who were concerned about the safety of the shredded tire mulch currently in use on playgrounds, the Duluth school board considered a proposal to replace the tire mulch with dollar bills generated by Red Plan savings.
“We have more than enough to cover all the playgrounds,” said superintendent Bill Gronseth. “To tell you the truth, storage is becoming an issue with all our extra money. We’ve tried everything—doubling everyone’s salaries, reducing class sizes to eight students per, offering lobster and caviar for lunch, but the money just keeps pouring in. We’re filling up the clock tower at Old Central now, but that’s only a temporary solution.”
“Who knew, when we embarked on the half-billion-dollar adventure called the Red Plan, that it would give us so much so fast?” squealed board chair Rosie Loeffler-Kemp, clapping her hands. “I doubt we’ll have to raise taxes again for two or three decades.”
“And some people thought we’d see double-digit increases every year!” laughed Annie Harala. “The sillies just didn’t believe the promises that were made.” “Imagine falling into a nice soft pile of cash,” sighed David Kirby. “Using this money for our children’s safety is really the best thing we could do.”
The board will vote on the playground proposal next week, along with a resolution to purchase a fleet of helicopters. Both measures are expected to pass unanimously.

Officials ponder pedestrian bridge problem

The blue pedestrian draw bridge connecting the DECC to the Canal Park business district has long been a headache for city officials. Since its construction in 1991, the bridge has experienced dozens of malfunctions and breakdowns, often getting stuck in the raised position. Last year, it was hoped that new cables would solve the problems, but this year, alas, the bridge broke again.
“F*** that piece-of-s*** bridge,” said DECC director Dan Russell, when asked for comment. “We should blow the son-of-a-b**** up.”
Duluth mayor Emily Larson concurred. “That thing is a f***ing nightmare. Push it into the m*****f***ing lake. People can swim to Canal Park for all I care.”
“I don’t know what to do about the c***s**ker,” said city engineer Biff Snagleforth. “I say we give up. It’s f***ing hopeless.”
The city council is expected to take up the matter next month. “What the f*** do they want US to do?” president Filipovich shouted at reporters. “Wave our wands like f***ing magicians?”