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Ho ho ho! Santa delivers millions of gifts every year, but there are always a few requests Santa needs to deny. Taiwanese hookers, swimming pools filled with nacho cheese, earrings made of cocaine smuggled inside dead cats made of cocaine smuggled inside golden toilets made of cocaine smuggled inside Paul Ryan’s carry-on bag at the airport. Here are more examples of real life items that Santa will not be cramming down your family’s roof hole:

Old Rasputin served out of a woman’s shoe. First, you need to be more specific. What style of woman’s shoe? Should it to be a used shoe, and if so, used by whom? Should the Old Rasputin be served cold or warm? Santa is not a mind reader. Get your shit together.


A replica of Hitler’s third testicle. What is this? Santa doesn’t even know. Is it the name of some weird board game like Cards Against Humanity? Santa hopes so, because otherwise this gift is impossible and a huge waste of his goddamn time. When people request things that don’t actually exist, it’s the equivalent of them squatting and grunting one out right over Santa’s face. The only place where doing that won’t get you on the naughty list is in certain parts of Tijuana, and only when Santa specifically requests it.

Clear the dead raccoons out of your chimney. Is this request from Mable Trenton? She asks for this every year. Santa is not your bitch, Mable. Your list of requested “gifts” also includes removing the leaves from your gutters, cleaning out your garage and painting your damn fence. Are you related to Santa? Because these are chores, not gifts. Chores are what grandchildren are for, Mable. Why do you think elderly folks pressure their kids to settle down and start a family? It’s free slave labor. Use it.

Warmer weather. Much like God, Santa’s not going to waste time fixing problems you can fix yourself. If you’d like warmer weather, move somewhere warm. If you’d like to piss and moan for nine months of every year about things you could change if you really wanted to, stay right where you are in Duluth.

Bananas that won’t turn rotten in two days. Again, see above. This is a “you” problem, not a Santa problem. If you want ripe bananas, move to Ecuador. If “ripe bananas” is a euphemism, then move to the Castro neighborhood in San Francisco. Both locations are warm and full of drama, just the way you like it.

Weed. Do you know how many people want Santa to bring them weed? Pretty much everyone. Yes, I know you “only want a gram” and that Santa “can buy it from Kenny behind the burnt down Pannekoeken restaurant.” But if Santa does it for you, then Santa has to do it for Lloyd in Hermantown, Suzanne in Superior, Mayor Don Ness and thousands of others. That’s going to require well over the eight ounces Santa is legally allowed to carry. As I’m sure you’re well aware, NORAD tracks Santa’s route every year. Santa’s not a narc, but maybe it would be smarter to ask for a hookup from someone who isn’t under government surveillance.

World peace. Santa is not John Lennon. Santa wishes he was John Lennon - minus the parts that involve being dead or servicing Yoko Ono’s nether regions - but he’s not. If you want Santa to spend a week in bed at the Amsterdam Hilton Hotel, you’re going to have to pay for it, and it’s not going to work anyway.

Mature columns from Paul Ryan that don’t use cheap curse words like “dicks”. Santa asked Paul about this, and Paul told him to “go choke on an entire bag of dicks.” Santa will be bringing Paul coal in his stocking, per usual. You’d think he’d want an Xbox or something, but apparently he finds berating and angering the general public to be more fun.

A dad who doesn’t drink. Santa checked with your mom, and it turns out she’s only attracted to men who drink whiskey all day, throw up in the fireplace, and then angrily berate her while she’s cleaning it up. But Santa can bring you a Dance & Move BeatBo if you like.

For Mr. Bingle to come home. Look kid, Santa doesn’t know how to say this, but Mr. Bingle is a fish. He can’t run away from home. Your parents think you’re stupid. They flushed him down the toilet, the same place they send their excrement. The Christmas present you should really ask for is respect and basic dignity, so you don’t end up becoming bitter and orchestrating a mass shooting when you’re older.

Anything from Ikea that requires assembly. Santa sees how mad you get trying to put that cheap Swedish garbage together, and he will no longer be an enabler. If you want to spend Christmas morning cursing and taking the lord’s name in vain, you can play Star Wars: Battlefront multiplayer like a normal person.

The love and support of your family and friends. Is that a serious request? Santa isn’t trying to judge, but you know that shit is free, right? Santa mainly deals in shallow commercial gifts that keep the economy churning. Please stop wasting Santa’s valuable time with your heartfelt garbage.