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For nearly a year now, the marketers have been whispering in our ears. It will be the greatest film that ever existed. Rey is the new Skywalker. Kylo Ren is the new Vader. Director JJ Abrams is the new Spielberg. We will all whisper the film’s name on our deathbeds!

In reality, Star Wars: The Force Awakens can best be described as a loosely coiled turd of nostalgia fired at the inhabitants of Planet Earth with a ferocious velocity. Like the meteorites with our dinosaur predecessors, this movie may bury us all.

The poor choices begin almost immediately. This new saga opens in a Federation prison, where we see Jar Jar Binks being tortured. Serving fandom is expected, but to see Binks murdered in such a graphic manner - literally torn apart in slow motion for 26 minutes, the audience witnessing each of his 206 bones cracking and snapping as his terrified screams burn the air - may leave fans feeling guilt rather than fulfillment. Perhaps it was planned as such. Director JJ Abrams is a well known krokodil addict.

The remaining 3 hours and 12 minutes of the film is a long ride.

As we all know, the plot of the original Star Wars films revolves around a group of space pirates who are fighting the American government. In this new generation of the storyline, Darth Vader has been replaced by Kylo Ren (Adam Driver), who is basically Vader with a vacuum cleaner attachment on his mask. The vacuum is a subtle nod from the director to how much this movie sucks.

Much like the original films, the space pirates in The Force Awakens are trying to stop the American Federation from building a Death Star, the exact same plot from the original films. Much like Abrams’ Star Trek reboot - which was just a paraphrased version of the script for The Wrath of Khan - Abrams is giving the audience something familiar so they can text with friends or look up porn on their phones in theaters without missing much of the story. Sadly, the script never aspires to move beyond that goal.

The plot follows a predictable path. The family of Rey (Daisy Ridley) is murdered by The American Federation, leading her to join the space pirates. The pirates are a small outfit with little chance of winning, but Rey finds one obscure weakness and saves the day like the young Skywalker she’s mimicking. Everyone gets medals except for Princess Leia and Rey (because they’re girls) and Chewbacca (because he’s a dog), and the credits roll. That’s the entirety of The Force Awakens.

Finn (John Boyega) is also in the film.

There are minor differences between the original film and The Force Awakens, but none of them are positives. The new Storm Trooper helmets are streamlined and modernized, but the addition of a Pepsi logo to them seems tacky. Product placement is everywhere in The Force Awakens, from the Ford Focus that Captain Plasma drives everywhere inside the Death Star to Rey’s subtle Go Daddy webhosting tramp stamp tattoo. The marketing slogan for Pizza Hut is also inserted into the dialogue a whopping 37 times.

Fortunately, a strong cast saves the few salvageable parts of this wreckage. Daisy Ridley is a perfect Rey. Despite the film’s failings, the fans’ love for her character will form a legacy that far outshines the film itself. She is emotional, vulnerable and a force to be reckoned with, bringing true heart and soul to an otherwise cold and lifeless experience. The speech she gives in the final three minutes of the film, right before Captain Plasma cuts off her head and feeds her to a giant space walrus, will put a lump in the throat of every Star Wars fan. Even without a head, she is positively charming and radiant.

John Boyega (playing Finn) has a weird face.

There are other bright spots. Simon Pegg is a magnificent Chewbacca. His masterful, emotional performance is one of the few redeemable aspects of the film. The fact that he chose to do a completely different Chewbacca voice than the one from the classic Star Wars films is a risky move that pays off.

Other actors were less than reliable. I don’t normally like to point something like this out, but it will be so blatant to theatergoers - especially in 3D showings - that it requires mention. I’m fairly certain Kenny Baker, the actor inside the R2-D2 outfit, had an erection the entire second half of the film. Those who dare enter, avert ye gaze.

Cameos for other classic characters are satisfying, if not a bit too frequent. Carrie Fisher still looks great in a metal bikini, even at the age of 59, though many will question the choice of making a boomerang her main weapon. Mark Hamill - widely regarded as the worst actor from the original films - has seven seconds of screen time, which is double the time even the most hardcore fan could tolerate. The gratuitously long love scene between Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Chewbacca was worthwhile but wildly inappropriate for a PG-13 film.

It’s a shame that the world’s first review of The Force Awakens is negative, but most of us will still see the film. The dollars are already in the bank for Lucasfilm on this one. I just hope we all learn something when we come out of the theater disappointed. Especially from the scene where Chewbacca dies from eating chocolate. Wookiees aren’t supposed to have chocolate.