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The Old Farmer’s Almanac, an institution in the agriculture world for 224 years, has just concluded that you’re going to freeze your balls off this winter. The latest publication hits stores this week, and locals are fuming over its prediction of one of the coldest, snowiest winters in recent history.

As expected, local farmers were the least amused by the predictions.

“I wish the whole lot of them would go eat a bag of dicks,” said Frank Junkers, a farmer from Denham, MN. “Every year they predict an endless winter followed by a dry summer, and every year I tell them to eat dicks. There’s no way to know for sure, but I suspect they haven’t eaten even one. There’s not a lot of integrity over there.”

Other farmers, like Frank Hauer of Effie, MN, eagerly agreed.

“It’s an office full of useless fart stains, that’s what it is,” said Hauer, a lone stalk of wheat hanging from his lips like a briefly forgotten cigarette. “I’ve been busting my ass day in and day out for forty years on this farm, and those jerkoffs never give us a break. It’s always the coldest winter ever with no rain in the summer. It’s like they wake up every morning eager to see how many fists they can fit in my ass.”

The 2016 version of the almanac is as brutal as ever, predicting freezing cold and massive amounts of snowfall. The snowiest periods will be mid-December, early to mid-January and mid-to-late February.

“So it will be snowy from December through February? Jesus, I couldn’t have figured that out myself. Thanks for the $15 heads-up, assholes,” said farmer Blarber Boofen of Mora, MN. “Next year they should do a section predicting how many middle fingers I’m holding up. The answer is two. I’m holding up two middle fingers. So they can go fuck themselves twice.”

Minnesota farmers have become quite bitter toward the annual almanac. The publication has been breaking bad news to rural Americans for over two centuries, promising little else but cold winters and misery.

“Above normal snowfall and below normal temperatures? What a shocker,” said Daniel Danson, another farmer from Rock Creek, MN. “I mean, seriously. Fuck those guys. I’m tired of them controlling the weather from their dick sucking factory on the East Coast.”

The “dick sucking factory” is actually a small office in Dublin, New Hampshire, where a handful of honest, good-hearted employees work tirelessly to give farmers across the nation guidance before planting their crops for the year.

The Almanac’s staff members are used to the negativity. Every year, farmers bitter about the forecast mail them profanity-laced letters, death threats and dead farm animals in protest. Last year, the almanac’s employees received nearly 20 boxes of chicken scrotums. The year before that, they were sent Polaroid photographs of all 30 residents of Antwerp Township, WY mooning them. Back in 1979, the year Mabel Wyeth started at the almanac, she said a man from Iowa mailed her a letter noting that he had farted directly into the envelope and that he hoped it would ruin her day.

“If he did queef in it, it sure wasn’t noticeable when I opened it,” said Wyeth. “But just the thought that someone had done that gave the office an eerie feeling over the next few days. His flatulence had died before it reached us, yet it still haunted us.”

This abuse has been felt by every employee at the almanac. Peter Wieners, who is in charge of dessert recipes, said he’s even been physically attacked in the past.

“One time I was sitting at a coffee shop, and this guy asks the waitress how cold it is outside,” said Wieners. “She told him it was ten below zero, and the guy turned around and punched me in the face. I kinda deserved it because I was sleeping with the guy’s wife at the time, but he didn’t know that. Talk about a real reactionary jerk.”

Despite the hassle and frequent unmerciful beatings, employees say the negative feedback is far better than the positive kind. In years when forecasts called for warm winters and rainy summers, employees were often inundated with hairy-necked farmers stalking them and making unwanted sexual advances.

“It’s been this way for centuries,” said Wieners. “People have been dicks to us for centuries. Both the human race and our planet’s weather are getting perpetually worse with time. I weep daily at my small, uncomfortable desk.”

The Old Farmer’s Almanac is believed to be the oldest continually published periodical in North America. It is 26 years older than its closest competitor, “The Farmers’ Almanac,” published in Maine and due out in a few weeks. Both almanacs are chock full of down-home bullshit, recipes that require six hours of preparation, and human interest articles aimed at people so old that they’re technically a bit dead already. Both publications have virtually identical weather forecasts.

Farmers agree that the newer Farmer’s Almanac is also filled with Communist, pinko propagandists who are also destroying our nation with weather lies.

“We don’t discriminate. Both almanacs are proportionately shitty,” said Junkers. “If I was driving home and the two editors were crossing on opposite sides of the street, I’d try my best to hit them both.”