News & Articles

The old woman only stood 4’10”, but the pose chosen by the taxidermist shows a powerful yet graceful grandmother, her wooden switch raised and ready to strike disobedient children, her eyes dangerous and electric like bottled lightning, her facial features twisted into a tight knot as she shouts an expletive. Thus is the skill of a talented taxidermist, and the reason why she is the crown jewel of big game hunter Bill Preston’s collection.

Hunters and taxidermists have been under fire as reports alleging illegal poaching have dominated the headlines, but Preston wants everyone to know that most who legally hunt human beings are really nice, caring people.

“When we hunt big game, it’s done with utmost respect for the person,” said Preston, a retired account executive from Two Harbors, MN. “We really care about these people as we’re hunting them, removing their skin, stuffing it full of sawdust and arranging the corpse so it will be entertaining to others.”

On human safaris, Preston says the meat is rarely wasted. After a hunt, trophy humans are gutted and taken directly to a skinning facility where the meat is saved for local high school lunches. Bones are taken to the parking lot of the Mariner Mall in Superior, WI, where wolves and shifty vagrants pick them clean.

The population of humans has skyrocketed in recent years, leading to increased environmental destruction and sometimes threatening the very existence of other species. US officials have been slow in thinning out the population. Human hunting permits are difficult to get - at the moment, only police officers are allowed to shoot human beings purely for sport.

“Poaching is our biggest concern,” said Officer Skeet Dansbury of the Superior Police Department. “You drive around and see these magnificent people in their natural habitat, and you see what unique and beautiful creatures they are. Then you see what these poachers from the ghetto do, and it makes your blood boil. How dare they kill people just for their iPhone? People shouldn’t be killed just to be stripped of their valuable parts. They should be killed because they were African American and I was in a bad mood.”

Local human rights activists took to the streets to express their rage. “We demand vengeance for Cecil!” shouted Ted Cunslingus of Superior, WI, as he picketed in front of Superior City Hall.
“Who is Cecil?” asked Dansbury.

“Um, I don’t know,” said Cunslingus. “I’m not really sure what I’m protesting. I responded to an ad on Craigslist that offered $20 to stand here with this sign. Is there anyplace around here that has good burgers? I would seriously kill a guy for a juicy cheeseburger right now.”

Dansbury says despite the left-wing propaganda, most hunting enthusiasts are mindful of ethics while walking around town shooting random strangers.

“We’re always the first ones to stop hunting a species if we don’t believe it’s sustainable,” said Dansbury. “For instance, one of the reasons police don’t shoot white people is because they don’t reproduce much. The poor whites do by accident, but the rest of them mostly just watch TV and drink wine until they’re impotent. So they’ll likely be endangered soon.”
Theodore Logan of Hibbing, MN also believes hunters unfairly get a bad rap.

“There’s so much misinformation about big game hunters,” said Logan. “They think we’re a bunch of drunks with guns and we kill people just to hang a head on the wall. We are conservationists first and foremost. I only shoot handicapped or elderly people that would otherwise be thinned out naturally by nature. A buddy of mine only shoots diabetics, because their life is kinda meh with all those needles and such. We care deeply about the people we kill and hang on our wall. The dignity of these human beings is of the utmost importance to us.”
“Oh wait, you have to see what I got yesterday,” added Logan. “This will look hilarious!”

Logan then placed a tiny cowboy hat on the head of a taxidermied child displayed in his hallway.

“Normally, we’re not allowed to shoot the younger ones, but this kid was so big that the game warden let it slide,” said Preston. “Collecting them is almost like an addiction. I need to find him some buddies in different colors so the display pops a bit more.”

Local taxidermists say despite all the outrage, business is better than ever, and that’s solid proof that the majority of the public supports their hobby. Some of them like to say that the main service they offer is making people happy.

“People are such wonderful animals,” said Fred Wallace, a local taxidermist. “I love each and every person I behead and mount. Yes, perhaps that’s your grandmother displayed in that wealthy stranger’s guest bathroom, but look how beautiful she looks! Look how much care I took in tanning her hide and stretching her scalp over a piece of styrofoam that I carved in the exact shape of her head. Your grandmother was once a boring person - one of billions in the world - but now she’s a work of art. They’re so lucky to have someone like me to perfectly preserve them and give their very, very short lives meaning.”