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Once every 10,000 years, the lizard people at Merriam-Webster announce a list of new words they’re adding to the dictionary. Words are added based on various factors: Cash bribes, sexual bribes, highly sexual cash bribes, hip hoppityness, and the general attractiveness of the letters used.

One thing’s for certain: These are NOT just randomly selected slang terms that they forced one of their college interns to compile. That’s certainly not why the word “jeggings” is now in the dictionary while tremendously useful phrases like “banana hammock” and “jenkum” remain woefully underused by most Americans. By the way, don’t look that last one up. Just die of old age without knowing. Trust me on this.

Here are some actual words they added that you CAN look up:

WTF
This acronym stands for Will Totally Follow-up. Be sure to use this one as much as possible in work emails. If you want to get ahead, you have to trick people into thinking you’re young and cool. That’s why I write this column. Everyone who reads this column thinks I’m really cool. Follow my advice, and soon people at your work will have the same opinion about you that people in Duluth have about me!

Hsaing-waing
I think this is what I order at Panda Express when I’m completely wasted and slurring my words. It’s utter gibberish and just alerts the employee to throw their blandest white person quasi-Chinese food into a bag and charge me $8. “He will be happy,” they say. “He will be happy with ANYTHING we give him.” I’d correct them if they were wrong.

Vocal fry
This one seems pretty self-explanatory. It’s french fries that can talk. You’d think it would make them harder to eat, but it’s quite the opposite.

Emoji
Emojis are the little cartoon smiley faces people add to messages. Emoticons, on the other hand, are text-based smiley faces created using letters and punctuation. Confused? Yeah, so is everybody else. Regardless, both are stupid and ruining the world’s youths, who would otherwise be reading Shakespearean plays and scientific research papers instead of jacking off to hobo fights online. Oh, the world that could have been!

Clickbait
I assume this is yet another redundant slang term for masturbating to the sound of mouse clicks? Snore. Is this 1996? Is Jennifer Aniston’s butthole on the cover of Rolling Stone? Damn it, dictionary folk! Stay current with the trends!

Gaydozer
This word doesn’t mean anything yet. It’s just a cool word the dictionary people thought up that someone will someday invent. Rights to define the term have a starting bid of $450,000. Profits go to a local charity that helps gay bulldozers.

Dark money
Money earned by the Disney corporation, and subsequently used to produce disappointing Star Wars sequels.

Colossal Squid
It’s a squid that’s larger than normal. What. You want a joke? Too bad. Once per year I stop the jokes and force my readers to learn something. That was it. Now you know that Colossal Squids are larger than regular ones. You’re welcome. Please mail Merriam Webster a check for $4.

Net neutrality
When someone who likes iPhones and someone who likes Android phones actually agree on something, rather than just being obnoxious contrarians who exist only to feed off one another’s crap like a human centipede. As you might expect, net neutrality is a fictional term that will never occur in real life.

Chilaquiles
I don’t speak Spanish, so I’m going to assume this is a chinchilla themed amusement park. I’m pretty excited about it.

Photobomb
When you take a super cute photo of you and your friends without realizing there’s a homeless man pleasuring himself onto the sidewalk in the background.
Slendro
This is both a horrifically dangerous diarrhea-based weight loss supplement I invented in 2004 and also a fictional internet boogeyman I made up in 1997 to trick children into murdering their friends. What the dictionary people think it means, I have no idea.

Jeggings
This is when a gentleman jizzes inside a lady’s leggings. I’m not sure why the Merriam-Webster people are adding so many disgusting words this year. A little goes a long way, guys. Maybe grow up and act a little more mature? Sheesh. You’d think a few billion years of evolution would give these Reptilian Dictionary Illuminati a little more maturity.